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I Kan't Spell



Wednesday, July 02, 2003

 
Murphy was an Optimist

So my card game last night sucked balls! Me and my Irish partner Brendan who had "claimed" to know how to play spades properly, got swept by Rat Man Keith and his evil bug eyed brother Carl The Avenger. I hate losing in spades. Anyway, that's not really why I'm writing this. There were a bunch of things that happened last night which were extremely vivid. These things are all microcosms (sp?) in and of themselves but they were so monumental at the time that it would hurt not to remember them in this form.

1. Apache Chief called about 5 times but I just ignored the ringing and refused to pick up. There were a few reasons I did this. One - It gave me instant celebrity amongst other men to be able to shrug off a girl so easily. Two - I was playing cards and the last thing I wanted to do was have one of the those really awkward strange Konglish convoes. Three - For some unexcusable reason I was disgusted with her at that moment. Pity disgust. What does this mean? Well it means that I am still a boy in so many ways. It also could mean that I have been possibly and completely scarred and bittered towards all women. Why not talk to her? Those three reasons are why, and those three reasons sucked!

2. At one point I was accused of cheating and changing the rules to make them more convenient for myself. Firstly, I am a lot of thing but not a cheater. Thief, liar, general bad person, all these things yes. But cheater, never. I don't even like the idea of it in any realm, I love the eutopian life that exists within rules of games, and I strictly follow them because organized activities and sports are my life and thus cheating would defile my church. Secondly, I argued with Keith over the allegation for a good bit of time and completely ruined the mood of the game. But, somewhere in the arguing I felt really sorry for him. I just looked at him and wanted to cry for his energy and life. He had none. He was wrong. He was the kind of wrong that only in your heart you can really know someone is wrong and unfortunately I argued with him. Murphy once said, "Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference." That's what I felt like.

3. I took all the blame for our teams mistakes. What does this mean to me? Well despite my "I'm still a boy" comment from earlier this means that I have learned some of the traits of being a leader. Oddly enough I owe this to my college baseball coach. Never in my life had anybody thought of making me a captain of one of their teams. I have been integral to many teams throughout my existance as an athlete but never once was I bestowed the honor of captain. My conviction and character must not have resonated with them. But, for some reason it resonated with this man and he trusted me with his team. Although, many times I probably let both him and them down I learned to take responsibility and to love for others that were supposedly "under" me. And on this night and under these circumstance Brendan was definately "under" me in his abilities. But, I took the brunt of all criticism and deflected it upon myself at to protect him from becomming discouraged. My ability to take blame is important to me. I always had problems with accepting penalties and the unfairness of life. I don't really have those issues anymore, I think a man can account for what he does and take his punishment or the punishment of those whom he can protect.

4. After the card game Keith and I had a long talk about each other. I started the conversation by explaining to him that I considered him a good friend and what I respected about him. I explained that he had taught me to be more positive about my life and to live properly and fully with those around me. While, I may have overestimated this statement, it was still heartfelt and even a little difficult to say. It wasn't completely true, as I think the way Keith lives, is not something I wish to emmulate. But his life, in many ways, which I wanted to learn from, was better than mine. And then he said the nicest thing anybody but my mother has said to me in a long time. He said he wished he could be like me. No one has ever said that to me. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that no one ever really complemented me at all. Maybe it was because I was always a fisher for compliments (no on really likes that do they?) or maybe because I never gave them and therefore would never receive them. After his statement he explained that they way I live my life is good. That I don't let anybody or anything deter me from doing anything. He said that my ebergy towards life was amazing and that the things I have accomplished and outlined in my life are truly the start of something incredible. It was a very nice and wonderful thing for someone to say to me.

5.After Keith and I had our strange homosexual love letting the Apache arrived and through me to the bed. As we laid there in the morning she turned over hugged me and said, (now keep in mind I need ot use idioms and backward writing here because I am being watched...so we are going in reverse on this one...) "!ouy evol I" What could I say to this? I knew there was no possible way it was true. How could she? How could you feel that way without the other feeling that way and you both know it? How can you get that emotion from a dry well. Fortunately, I was relatively strong, and despite the long gaze into my eyes that she held after saying it, I did not relinquish the equal senitment. Instead I just hugged her and we went to sleep. I wonder how she feels today? Anyway, what did I learn from this. Nothing. I don't try to analyze women. You just sound really stupid if you do.

Well that's all for now...I'm kinda curios to see if anyone reads these or has any thoughts. If you do throw me a dap in the guestbook or shoot me a mail to tell me how rediculous I really am...

Cheers

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