Piano Bar and Realizations
Last night I went back to the famed Piano Bar. Famed now because of the new pop icon status of David Cross and the legendary post New Years Wilco show that went on there. We walked through the lower east side or the upper west north or mid town or wherever the fuck it is and I was walking with an Engineer from where I work. And it hit me - It al hit me like a ton of bricks. This is where I want to be. This city is where I belong right now. I have outgrown Baltimore in a lot of ways and need to be humbled. I am becoming too reckless in Charm City. My weekends are becoming longer. My antics are becoming braver and my will to improve is fading. I haven't read a book, played chess, seen art, written, developed, or made any effort to improve myself in a very long time.
I also realized that I don't like my job too much. It's not that it's awful. I mean the money is good, the travel is nice (with no girlfriend the travel is fucking fantastic - I mean 4 star hotels and a corporate budget - you can show some people a good time) - but it's the idea that I am, despite what some people think of me, somewhat of an artist. I'm not saying I can write or I can paint or do anything amazing that consists of just my own brain power going to town. I am saying that I like to create and be challenged to do so. I enjoy being on the spot. I enjoy pressure. But I enjoy pressure that would force me to smile at myself and not at following someone else's directions.
I guess the barometer is that I look around my office and I don't see anyone I want to be. I want to be a filth socialite. I want to sit in circles with people who care to think about weird shit and talk about it and have dreams of changing the world and not just dreams of expanding their mediocre portfolio with T Rowe Price. I don't know. It's all very confusing and very hard. But when I look around now, I see that I have no string. I have nothing stopping me from moving on. I mean the last artistic thing I did in my job was a 9 page memo on "How to use XML to Diversify Architecture for Middle Tier COM components." Doesn't that just sound fucking riveting?
Another note is that I did get to see Blake last night. I got to see Blake and my girl (his girlfriend - and soon to be my girlfriend) Lauren - la - lalu - If T would have been there I would have exploded. They have changed since moving here. At least La has. She has become a strange social finite. She is becoming rather refined and pushy. It's extremely suiting to her. We sat around told stories and drank booze at the Piano Bar and another bar that fucking Be Here Now on the jukebox. Blake seems to have coped nicely to the city. He isn't at La's level yet but he'll get there.
Anyway...I'll be coming home this evening to drop kick Farrah Assare in the teeth and enjoy Prime Rib night at Hull St. Sack up Fest and Babs - it's time for shuffle board and a realignment of our priorities. Well at least a realignment of mine. Anyone else wanting to give advice is welcome to come by and tell me nothing other than "Leave Baltimore Now!" ....lol