I Kan't Spell

Timing the time

To the point

When sand runs

To earth 

Again 

To sky 

To newborn 

Wrapped in

All the possibility 

Her nature

Allows 

I don’t like large gatherings of people where I am being introduced to everyone - not as an authority - because that I like when I speak at a conference I’m ok. But weddings, birthday parties, or get togethers I feel awkward.

I never cultivated the art of social conversation and I’m well aware of it. I have a hard time being genuinely interested in what we’re talking about and I often try to one up everyone “oh yeah! Well I’ve done this” or “I know this person” - it makes me sound like a complete douchebag but it’s what I’ve always done to compensate for my anxiety… that or I drink. And that just makes it worse. 

I usually find myself standing away from everyone looking for a cigarette or going for a walk. I used to do this even when I was little at Xmas party’s and birthday party’s I was invited to. Unless I was holding court playing video games or playing a sport I find it very very hard NOT being the center of attention sometimes.

The other feeling that makes me sad is when someone is angry with me or we’ve lost touch with one another. I always feel like I’m easy to cast aside. I’ve always felt disposable to everyone. I was never invited anywhere as a kid - not really. Kids went on ski trips or beach trips or to dinner w other families … I was never invited. And when you’re young and never invited you then start to hate those things as protection and assurance of your own worth - and then your harm friendships. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever really had a friend or a best friend. I think I have great friends but no one calls me… or cares about me much. And I don’t call people or see people or have someone that I just see everyday. I think some people feel sorry for me and their way of feeling better is to reach out to me.  I don’t play golf w the boys or have guys night or a poker night. And I don’t think I’d want to. 

But I know I am lonely. And I’m hard to get along with sometimes. But i definitely screwed up my life with the two things above.

I’d like to change them. Here are some things to do:

Be proactive - reach out to old friends

Be positive about social situations - go in with a plan to listen and ask questions instead of talking. Be interested in others - don’t try to impress them… you won’t. Ask yourself when someone brags “do they impress you?” No

Be more open to other people and experiences. 

Be kind and patient. Don’t be so big and loud. People will know you’re big and loud anyway. 

Don’t sulk in the corner. Be bright and open / even if you’re alone be confident and positive. Don’t be angry and judgmental or cynical. Thats your default and there’s a time and place for that … but be happier not sadder or angrier. 

The moment 

When a smile 

Is returned 

Not to control

But to reinforce

The comfort

That comes from

All the doubts

Fears 

And anxiety 

That wash right

Away when

You get a warm

Smile that

Lives in the 

Sun of love 

 All dem 

Observations today

Hurts my soul

To the point 

I didn’t want to have one

Anymore 

Today sucked