So I just watched 8-mile and I feel really sharp. I don't know why. It wasn't the movie. It was the moment of watching it. It was this weird identifying moment that I had with (oh god save me here from any ill-thing I may be doing) Eminem (there I said it...no lightning, no earthquake, no magic bullet...woo...). I got the sharp razor feeling because I think I was feeling the way his character was feeling about 6 months ago when I was stirring myself in my own filth. Unfortunately, I was doing this for the past two days as well, well that's all stopped, those waves of agony are getting shorter and that's so awesome!. But, I remember sitting down(6 months ago) after making the decision to drink 10 shots of soju (30% so don't go all crazy on me like Bret OMG you drink too much...piss off!) in ten minutes to see how it would effect me and before I dizzilly went to bed I wrote this in my journal...at least I think this is what I wrote because it's really slurred and big over about 4 pages...you should see it. It's real funny...
Maybe that's why I can't write anything of true meaning. I was never poor but I was never rich. I was never stranded and I created a web of comfort around me that weakend me more than supported me. It trapped me more than it could have held me. It made me soft. I am torn between fantasies, lies, hopes, and mirages. There has to be a point when you choose the greatest you could become or the mediocraty you would be willing to accept. I lie to myself. You need to lose so much that you've already realized before you can truly write of the pain. You need to live the moment in the moment, not in the previous thought of the moment but the actual moment , not in the afterglow of the moment but there breathing it in. You have to take the surroundings and make them real. Make them sorrowful before you can love them. Make them vibrant before you can hate them. Twist them all around so that they don't make sense and they do, all at the same time. Make them all holy God singing to you. MAKE THEM YOUR LIFE! Find the true artsist. Now don't break down Bret. Don't sit here and pity yourself over not being a "true artist". Find it, not the Oxford boy, or the middle calss whino, not the spike haired fake kid from the inner-city, and not the zuit suit guy who's too cool for all that; not anybody, just find your art! Find what you respect. Find the rogue! Embrace the life that has chosen you and put that seed in your heart to grow. THE ROGUE! Go find the torment and the tragedy of not knowing it was all bullshit and then realizing that it is. Find that and you will find your art. Realize that now you can see all those lies you told yourself and you can change your mindset. The main problem is that you have trained your brain (and everyone has) to make a make-believe life. To make it seem all so tragic if it all wasn't there. When in actuality that's your prison you are building brick by brick. It would all be so tragic if the house you built with all thsoe little false mirrored images wasn't true. So if you start seeing those lies it will all fall to shambles. And a shamble can be freedom. Quite a paradox.
Don't glorify the bad parts of your life anymore. Don't talk about your father in front of people. I know it seems well adjusted sometimes to do so, but it makes you look like a fucking odd kid. Deal with your shit within you. I mean come on, people don't want to hear about that shit. So stop it! Don't talk about yourself anymore in daily conversation. You know you see it, and hate it, so don't do it. Learn to listen for God's sake. That's what you wanted to do so do it. Look people in the eye and engage them. Don't leave places anymore. Don't leave because you aren't the star. Embrace and be embraced back. Engage, don't cover and lie. But engage like a man of intelligence and grace. Do it with an air of patience and thought, not with haste and passion. There are places and there are times, but you're time has to be earned. That passion comes with the clarity, and the clarity is earned via time and understanding. Know that!
Well all that wasn't reminded me by (here goes again) Eminem. But, I do remember sitting there and seeing all the bullshit and thinking that being a rogue is so pleasurable and wonderful sometimes. And to think that my web is coming under attack makes it seem all the more weaker. Just some strands though. I felt really sharp after seeing that movie. Actually all day I felt sharp. I felt real knife sharp. Like everything was going to be good with the world sharp. I could see all of it for what it was and then put it back together for what it wasn't and then wipe my nose with it. It was a good day!