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I Kan't Spell



Saturday, August 09, 2003

 
Coming Clean

The best way I deal with things is to talk about them. I rarely keep things bottled up and I can't stand keeping secrets. So, here is what has happened to me in the last 3 weeks. I'm sorry if this seems tacky, but it's not tacky to me. To me it's honest and it's dealing with my problems in the open where I can receive help or guidance. Well here is the response to my Uncle, who is looking in on my Father as he is recovering in a hospital.

    Uncle David,

    Thank you so much for the updates. I find it very difficult to be away right now with everything going on and hearing (reading) your words helps more than you know. I am happy that you are there for my father in whatever capacity you can provide. I knew it would only be a matter of time before his psychosis finally went off the deep end. You just don't blow up like that every week for 20 years without some sort of serious deformity of the brain, and I think as he was getting older his mental state really started to slip. Now the burden has come to bear. Anyway, that shit he said (apparently my father is semi-dillsuional and has no idea where he is and his past is very clouded) was damn funny and I would love to get that on tape just in case he does recover he can watch it and laugh or something. But, I'm not too optimistic about anything when it comes to his future so I guess I'll just do what I can for him. It sucks to know that my life is just now really starting and my best friend and father might not be around to see it. It is a shame that I can't be there with him during any of this. I don't sit around and cry about it because I can always think of all the evil things he has done to our family (both sides) and the time and energy that has been sacrificed to support his own. But, I do break down sometimes knowing that he is my father and I can still see myself sitting with him when I was little and how good he always tried to be to me when he wasn't severly depressed or intoxicated. I have never really prayed in my life, but I think the night I received an email from my Mom's friend about what had happened I prayed. I prayed because I was helpless and it seemed like the only real thing to do. I had no idea who I was praying to or what I would say but it felt ok to do it. Anyway, I'll be home in 23 days. It's difficult to think that my life will be in no way the same as the way I have left it. In many ways it will be more liberating and therefore possibly fulfilling, but for the most part I'm damn scared and at this point and am almost willing to admit that I may need help from the support systems that have always been there. But, as my mother would act, that will always be a last resort. I thank you for everything you have done and for being a caring Uncle to me while I have been away, and a good brother to my father. It will be wonderful to finally rekindle the relationship which in my youth meant so much to me, I have always loved my Uncle David immensely.

    Your nephew,
    Bret Matthew Scharf Holmes




Anyway...that letter leaves a little to the imagination about what really happened but that's the way it will have to stay. I am much more embarrased than hurt by anything and to share real details is a little too painful at this point. The optimal goal would be to one day laugh about all this, as is the case with any tragedy or pain, but this may not come to fruition. So yeah...I came clean...I feel good about it...I'm happy here and am in good spirits...I just think I needed to sort of be around people and this is really my only outlet...it's strange being somewhere and having friends but no ne here you can really rely on to solve anything for you (im not looking for any solutions...oh this sad shit is getting out of hand) Anyway I am happy and wanting to come home, else I wouldnt be writing you weirdos...but it feels good to finally just let go of what I've been holding in...yeah yeah be good....p.s. you know that stuff he said was kind of funny...

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