Staying Positive
My father told me my whole life that I was a negative person. Coming from a negative person it was hard to contrast myself and learn how to be positive. I find that most people think I am unbearable when I am in a negative mood and unfortunately this is way too often my mood of choice. Take the last couple of days for example. I sat down here and started reading all this crazy intelligent stuff that other people were writing and I got all frustrated and just decided to throw in the towel on my own writing because I knew I didn't posess the capacity to think as well as what I was reading. It really bothers me when someone outshines me in anyway and this leads to much of my negativity. Fortunately, it does have a positive mutated growth spinoff because luckily I was shown the wonderful light of lifetime learning, and can now simply supress most of those negative envious feelings and take from these smart outshinign people and enjoy them. It only becomes more complicated when I have nothing to give back. I am also highly anti-social and highly pro-social. I think this has something to do with my slight bi-polar disorder but I'm dealing with it as best I can. Anyway, know that I am working on it and am happy but it's a lifetime process like being an alcoholic. It's a struggle everyday to deal with negativity or depression. It's a struggle that I am fighting hard against, and with the lack of good people around me, and my family life falling apart I find it becomes more difficult. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can sometimes be a screwed up person but I guess for the people that know me, they have stood by me and sheltered me through many storms. I think this is what keeps me positive. I feel if I can live right by the people who live right by me I can be happy, it's only when I betray, lie, cheat, covet, or become envious that I become negative. Again, it's a process and I'm improving but I'm by no means perfect.
