Happy Rainbow Sprinkles
Wanna write something that is meaningful and thought out.
Brain may not work that way anymore
Brain may have never worked that way
Starting to painfully sleep 14 hours a day
Not drinking
Not thinking
Not living
Bad envirnoment this month.
Empty house
Father in a nut house just got home. He's sick
I'm sick
Looking for a job. Found a job. Don't want the job. No desire to really program unless it's the right company. I'll take anything inspiring. But,I'm sorry. Refirgerators filled with coke and kids in Fubu jeans aren't gonna turn me on right now. I can go play quake and listen to DJ Shadow on my own time. INSPIRE ME! OR AT LEAST LET ME INSPIRE SOMEONE! I'm NEEDY!
Want to go back overseas. Leave dad desolate and dying.
Money problems.
Serious health problems. Fingers crossed but not likely that it's gonna be good news.
No insurance.
Mom gone
Dad real gone
Fuckless witless crap that this is
FUCK
Bad month. Gonna get better. If not better Bret leaves, may not come back to America for a much longer period of time. Bret is sorry about that. But Bret needs to smile. Bret thought things would be better. Bret was wrong. Things here are bad.
Bret doesn't like October.
Bret doesn't like American girls.
Bret doesn't like American ideals.
Americans seem lazy and full of a lot of nothing. They like golf trips and premium gasoline. If i'm not gonna be happy I at least want to struggle and live in a way that I can artisiticly express the struggle. I choose poverty over comfort. Obviouosly I choose ideal fulfillment and inspiration over both. But given the choice, I choose strife over numbness.
This is numb.
This is all too numb with no consequences.
I want drawn out consequences. I take jail over nothing. I will take a deep habit over nothing. Can't do those. So cash it in and jump. What else have you been more proud of? What else do you really have to say to somebody about anything? It is the only thing you have done that anyone has ever respected you for and even that doesn't say a whole lot. But damnit boy, and I do mean boy, it says at least something.
I don't feel pushed.
Alone here with no furniture and my things in storage.
Let it all go to storage.
Feeling better now
Got rage out in a stupid form
But it was either this or a bender of whiskey and Golden Tee followed by this later on
Feel better
Feel kinda good
Feel optimistic
Feel like tomorrow I will have good news
Tomorrow will be better.
Everyday has to improve
Find energy and make life an art
Wake up by 8
Choose a topic and do something with it. Do something local, Do something Internet related. Do something people related. Find a topic and do something with it. Don't idley sit and beat you self up. Then come back and find a way out.
You have to find a way out.
Maybe 20 days.
Maybe 15 and then what? Someone's couch? Someone's spare bed in the basement? Nope. Would rather die then ask for favors from people. Nothing lower than using people for something that they don't want to give.
Find a way out.
Not out...find a way into the life that makes you smile
Feeling better.
Feeling optimistic.
Feeling like tomorrow will be a good day
