A Personal Journal Entry - Feel Free to Please Not Comment
Another decent little day of living and not living. I really got sort of tired of thinking towards the end. I just sort of wanted it to be over. I didn't really do anything this weekend. I sort of took it light in hopes of simplifying my thought patterns. I think it will take a few days to really settle. I was thinking today that my days of original thought and complex passionate ideas are coming to an end. Of course I denied that and wanted to fight that as hard as possible. Somehow though it felt like a more natural place for me to be. I had such good energy until I went to NYC. Then I just got zapped with a weird feeling. I didn't like the feelings I got there and it has stuck with me for a while. There is no way to really describe it other than the feeling that you just want to quit and smile instead of attempting something that seems ridiculous given your inability to crutch on youth or personal achievements anymore. It's as though everything and everybody caught up with me this past week.
It feels like I have no real place anymore. My house is gone in 14 days. I have no job and no money. My options seem few and humbling. Humility hasn't really been a tool I have grown too accustomed to. But at this point I am faced with two choices, leave and run or stay and struggle. Obviously stay and struggle is the correct answer. This somehow feels really wrong. I have no drive to find a place to live. I have no want to ever impose on anyone. When forced into a corner I may choose to scramble. Everyone has the answers but not the action. Everyone has this veiled extended hand of smoke to lend me. It's like looking at a rope that's all but one thread and expecting to climb up the mountain. I know no one can help me with my decision. One, I don't really believe a lot of what people say(Not that they are lies...but I think most of it is just half-assed canned comments), and two I don't really want to be any of those people. This journey is for me to figure out. The first step is to let go of everyone around that I feel ashamed to not be successful in front of. That's the real tree shaking I want to institute. I don't mean financially successful. I mean mentally successful. If I'm anyone other than me and I feel awkward, well then... fuck that. That hasn't been the way I have been living for a long time now. Some people won't believe that considering I'm so loud and odd. But to be honest, yes, I do feel awkward around some people (and everyone does). It's that insecure want to always be popular and accepted. Now that I think about it, there are a ton of people that are going to fall from that tree.
Man that's some hateful stuff. But that's the way it has to be. These are my demons. To face them with people that I constantly feel uncomfortable around feels horrible. To hear them give me advice and actually considering heeding it, is my own ignorance and weakness. I guess I'll just keep throwing the dice until they take them away from me though. That's all I can do. I know I have the will and conviction to withstand almost anything, so the thought of destituion or poverty doesn't bother me. What bothers me is looking in people's faces when they know I have failed. I would rather run then do that. Running is so wrong in that I know as soon as I take off there will be no track for me to run on and the feeling of failure will catch me on the rough terrain. Failure is my worst nightmare. Not winning terrifies me in every sense that is room 101. If I was in 1984, I would be in there simply losing at cards or rock, scissors, paper over and over again. And to read this personal post tomorrow, I will be angry. But to write this now makes me feel, well it isn't helping me at all. It's making me more stupid. It's making me weak. It's helping me say, "It's ok to quit and lose." So I'm going to stop.
