The Farce that is Poetry.com
I received this email today.
Dear Bret,
Over the past several months, we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us...After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The International Library of Poetry is pleased to inform you that you have been nominated for inclusion in ...
The International Who's Who in Poetry
Congratulations on your accomplishment, Bret. We look forward to publishing your biographical information on a page dedicated entirely to you. Along with your biographical information, we plan to also include in depth information about your poetry, including your motivations, the meaning poetry has in your life, and your personal philosophical point of view. In addition to dedicating a page entirely to you and your personal background, we have also reserved a second complete page that will be used to showcase a new, unpublished poem that you will provide. This means that ...
The International Who's Who in Poetry will feature two full pages dedicated exclusively to Bret Holmes!
(I know you can't see me being facetious but believe me it's in here)
How about that? I'm so awesome! I'm going to go out and buy this book. Oh wait I have to buy the book...damn I thought I was special. You'd think if you were in the Intergalactic best poet ever book you would get a free copy. I really really thought that the poem my mother submitted in my name about 3 years ago was that good enough to be considered amongst one of the greatest works in the world. If I remember correctly, and I'm not lying here, it had a spelling error (I know you can't believe it right?). I really thought that
one of these horrible attempts at poetry would be published in a book. I weep...Sincerely...
I really hope to see someone some day with this book on their coffee table and the bookmark hanging out of the page where their poem is staring me in the face, taunting me to open the book, and read aloud the vast depth that they have encapsulated. Oh and it shall read something like this
Oh rain of my youth
Where have you gone
Why have you returned
The length of life is only matched
By the breadth of dreams
And to you I raise me hands
Hoping to catch your life
And cleanse my body
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just want to see someone buy this thing. Oh shit you know what I remember now. Poetry.com is located in Owings Mills. When I used to work for Mom.com, I remember we had the office space right next to them. Oh the days....
