Bretholmes.com - Bret Holmes Baltimore Md

    Investment News   |    DON'T   |    WORK   |    STOP   |    CRYING!   |    GUESTBOOK   |

I Kan't Spell



Wednesday, June 02, 2004

 
At the Airport...talkin' 'bout the airport...

At the airport I noticed something absolutely horrific. Well I guess I noticed two things but that one man perpetrated them leads me to remember them as one.

I was sitting reading a Herman Hesse book trying to find the inner-me when this fat pimple of a human being started to blather on to his fellow cohorts about his job, his wife, his money, his kids, his ass hair and other various items that he could not possibly keep to himself. This man talked to the two skinny Irish gentleman so much that it became appallingly evident that he was everything I feared about my life.

Herman Hesse once said, and I'm paraphrasing, "The things we hate about other people are the things that we hate about ourselves." I somehow saw myself in this man. I saw myself blathering away time after time making people around me feel uncomfortable and agitated. I saw myself acting as though I had something to say but instead simply mouthing the words that no one wanted to hear.

This wretched waste of a human being and his fat equally obnoxious wife had gotten to me. I wanted to punch him in his throat. I wanted to take a potato pancake and shove it up his nose until it took the place of his fucking eyes. I hated this human being more than anything in my entire life. But, the sad truth still remained that what I hated about him was actually in my life. The phoniness was there. The on stage mentality that this man so eagerly let drip from his fat hairy chest was also, at time, evident in me.

I became so enraged that I went to the bathroom to wash my face. Upon entering the bathroom I noticed that my shirt was on inside out. I laughed at myself. Thought about keeping it like that all day. Thought about the things people must have thought this morning as they watched me walk through security. I laughed and turned my shirt right side in.

As I walked back out the plane was boarding for San Antonio. The fat cow assed people and the beauty queens that live in the south never cease to amaze me. They waddle or they strut. Their breed is odd as it allows for total racism yet country charm to boot. It's a strange lot. On the plane however a new and somewhat disturbing trend has superceded anyone's cultural make-up. The plane culture immediately takes into effect. The culture that is deemed appropriate in the epic battle of, what I like to call, "Don't sit next to me Motherfucker!"

First off, people begin lining up for the plane an hour (that's right an hour) before the boarding begins. It's usually the business men who fly all the time and would have their entire lives ruined if they don't get the first row aisle seat. They stand at the front of the line looking more and more agitated every second. The next thing you will notice are the cell phone yellers that always have to make one last call to the office about a conference call or package to be delivered. It must be imperative that they make this call because they speak loud enough and repeat everything so many times that everyone in the terminal could do the job of the lackey they are calling on the other end. This call also usually ends with their new customized voicemail being set -
    "Hi, this is Helen Hoolihan, I won't be in the office for the next three days so you can reach my lackey at extension 1234gofuckyourself. Have a great week!"

As the loading of the plane starts the real scariness of the plane culture takes over. You see the plane culture overwriting everyones culture. You could be a goat herder from Bangladesh or a Wall Street executive, it makes no difference because if you board the plane before everyone else, your job is to immediately stake our territory.
    Hurry, place your bag on the seat next to you just in case all 100 people waiting in line in back of you decide to nicely fill in the remaining seats like water into a glass and somehow forget that there are two seats next to you. Be careful not to make eye contact for that is the first step to an invitation for someone else to possibly sit down in the magic row. You also want to look important...so look at that watch 40 times and guff repeatedly. If travleing with a friend of colleague be sure to talk REALLY FUCKING LOUD ABOUT TEXTILES IN THE MIDWEST!


It's a sick world on an airplane...a sick world...not to mention the plastic stewardesses, horribly drunk sounding pilot, and 2 square feet of room you have to try and sleep inside of....

What shocked me was the embodiement of two horrible atmospeheres (pre, and plane ride) embodied in this man. I hope he learns to look at someone like people look at him. Well..then again he probably already does.
I'll have more on my return...

Comments: Post a Comment



Favorites List
Pandora Song List
Amazon Wish List
Reading
Revolutionary Wealth - Tofflers
Brian Jones

Things Making Me Smile
The City
Newness
Listening - [out of 5]
Benjy Ferree - 4.8
The Thermals 3.1
David Gray 3.8

Quote(S)
Like the guy with the beard? YES - like the guy with the beers. What? Yep

Bands That I Check Schedules For
Badly Drawn Boy
Belle and Sebastian
Benjy Ferree
The Black Keys
Deerhoof
Drive By Truckers
The Eels
Enon
Kimya Dawson
Mark Hopkins Band
Oasis
Iron and Wine
Mates of State
Ted Leo
Travis
Two if By Sea
Ween

Places I Rock in the Flesh
9:30 Club
Black Cat
Electric Factory
Fletcher's
8x10
The Knitting Factory
The Otto Bar
Recher Theatre
Sonar

Places I Eat/Drink in the Flesh
Aldo's
Bishop's Collar
Boccacio's
Cross Street Market
Hull Street
Joun Gak
Mick O'Shea's
No Way Jose
Porter's
The Irish Pub
Turner's
The Waterfront Hotel

My Greatest Hits (that's so lame)

The time I almost killed a child
July 4th in Korea
Excerpts from Demian
Why I screen phone calls
Bret's Death Metal Report
A conversation at a cocktail party
A conversation at breakfast
So you think you are a Baltimorian
A conversation about a girl singer
Observations from a bar
Observations of strippers
Tech Language
Why I love Oasis
I would go to war
"You Son of a Bitch" An Open Letter to Tom Friend
Dance to Your Ocean
Dream Ranch
When men become pussies
Jason Whitlock is a racist propaganda promoter
Pitchfork takes music snobbery to new level
The Cosmic Clash of the Red Sox and Cubs
The Hatred that is Runts Candy
Starting corporate line-up
Google Bio
Do you know me? List 1 / List 2 / List 3
The Night I Burned Philly Down
So You Want to be a Booze Hound
She Said it was Free
Funniest Corporate Story Ever
Striped Shirts and the Fucks that Wear Them
Death Peddle
NEW!!!
Pieces of Morning
Oasis Album Revew
The Art of Tipping
Starting Fires With Grass Stains
Bret's Federal Hill Food Review
Sexcapades and your Picture on the Internet
Stupid Secrets
Stupid Secrets the Return


Contact Me

Stuff I Swing By From Time to Time

- MUSIC
Donewaiting.com
hive3.com
Indie Video Archive
Large Hearted Boy
Important Records
Oasis News
Pitch Fork Media
Reptilian Records
Scenestars MP3 Blogs
Sound Garden Baltimore

- BUY
Aloud.com
Pre-Shrunk
Shotgun Apparel
Warrior Clothing

- HUMOR
Angry Little Girls
Atom Films
Eye Envision
Homestar Runner
Kill Frog
Junior Varsity Meat Market

- PERSONAL
Baltimore City Paper
The Baltimore Sun
Calvert Hall
Degroen's Brewers
ESL Cafe
Fantasy Sports
Korean Herald
Villa Julie College Baseball
W3 Schools



Archives
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009
01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009
02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009
03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009
04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009
06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010
02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010
03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010
04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010
05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010
06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010
07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010
08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010
09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010
10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010
11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011
12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012
01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012
07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012
08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012
09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012
10/01/2012 - 11/01/2012
11/01/2012 - 12/01/2012
01/01/2013 - 02/01/2013
04/01/2013 - 05/01/2013
06/01/2013 - 07/01/2013
07/01/2013 - 08/01/2013
08/01/2013 - 09/01/2013
09/01/2013 - 10/01/2013
10/01/2013 - 11/01/2013
11/01/2013 - 12/01/2013
12/01/2013 - 01/01/2014
01/01/2014 - 02/01/2014
02/01/2014 - 03/01/2014
03/01/2014 - 04/01/2014
04/01/2014 - 05/01/2014
05/01/2014 - 06/01/2014
06/01/2014 - 07/01/2014
07/01/2014 - 08/01/2014
08/01/2014 - 09/01/2014
10/01/2014 - 11/01/2014
11/01/2014 - 12/01/2014
12/01/2014 - 01/01/2015
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015
02/01/2015 - 03/01/2015
03/01/2015 - 04/01/2015
04/01/2015 - 05/01/2015
05/01/2015 - 06/01/2015
06/01/2015 - 07/01/2015
07/01/2015 - 08/01/2015
08/01/2015 - 09/01/2015
10/01/2015 - 11/01/2015
11/01/2015 - 12/01/2015
12/01/2015 - 01/01/2016
01/01/2016 - 02/01/2016
03/01/2016 - 04/01/2016
06/01/2016 - 07/01/2016
07/01/2016 - 08/01/2016
08/01/2016 - 09/01/2016
10/01/2016 - 11/01/2016
11/01/2016 - 12/01/2016
02/01/2017 - 03/01/2017
03/01/2017 - 04/01/2017
04/01/2017 - 05/01/2017
05/01/2017 - 06/01/2017
07/01/2017 - 08/01/2017
08/01/2017 - 09/01/2017