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I Kan't Spell



Monday, July 26, 2004

 
"You Son of a Bitch" An Open Letter to Tom Friend

Oh my blood boils. Some Ass Clown named Tom Friend who writes for ESPN Magazine has published an article bashing Baltimore as an unfit sports town. I don't oppose this statement. As of late the prawn sandwiches have been flying around rather heavily in this town. Camden Yards is more of an auto mechanic meet and greet than either an affluent place to enjoy a game or a down and dirty place to slug a beer and yell at an opposing player. Most season ticket holders are rather uninformed, bored, laid back, don't know how to act, suburbanites who would choose to stay home rather thene see the Orioles play the rubber match with the Blue Jays. I don't refute the claim that we stopped being a baseball town years ago. I refute the allegations that we never were and then ceased to be a sports town. I refute the idea that DC is a sportstown. I refute this fuck from breathing.

No town is a true fucking sports town anymore. I dare you to show me one city that regularly sells out games in support of a losing team. Where was Mr. Friend in the mid-late 90's when Orioles tix would only come down on high from your Dad's boss like pennies from heaven. It was a rare treat to go to a game back then, a treat I might add that was both affordable and affluent. Now the good seats are rediculously priced and other than the 5$ game nights where you get to sit in the upper deck nothing around that place is inexpensive. Wild Bill would not be on a dugout in this half assed posh Middle River rich stadium.

And for those of you in the back of your head who are preaching to me about the Yankees selling out every game, I have been to a few yankees games and couldn't imagine it being very difficult to get tix. And on top of that you live in a city with the population of half of fucking Britain. Hopefully you guys can park 50 thousand of your fat bandwagon asses in that place a night.

By the way you'll notice in the article that Mr. Friend's only allegations to us not being a sports town are his own childhood stories from the mid 70's. Well that's just fucking facttastic work there Sherlock. Going by your system of rationalization if I had only seen two movies at the start of my life and both happened to be bad well then I'll just stand out side and picket movie theatres forever. Fucking dip. Try looking up the attendance stats for the o's from 93'-2002. Look at those numbers and compare them with the sellout % of your oh so succesful Wizards and Capitals.

Mr. Friend thinks our beloved Nation's Capital deserves a baseball team. And while I wish he dies of an ingrown Squirell popping out of his cock I tend to agree that he has a point. But, unfortunately this will cause a major dent into not only the Oriole franchise revenues but to the blossoming downtown area. I was in fact shocked to see our own Mayor give his good graces to the idea of a competing team less than 40 miles away.

The Inner Harbor isn't visited by Baltimoreans, and the Inner Harbor is, besides what most locals think, the only nice attraction about this town. (look every town has quirky local bars and good people..but our only true commodity is that puddle of piss called the Chesapeake). Locals stay away from the Harbor like the plague. It's a pool of Asians with cameras and people talking in Germanic slurs wanting to wait in line at the ESPN zone. When the Oriole games cobine with the harbor to take a 15% redux in foot traffic during the summer because Southern Marylanders and DC people decide to spend one of their 3 weekends a summer in their own or another town, that will somehwat cripple our fledging efforts. You will see some stalls and changes in what was starting to become a decent little pearl on the East Coast of the United States.

Oh and as for football. Baltimore is now, because of the Super Bowl championship, Ray Lewis, and important but underrated is the tradition of the old Baltimore Colts and the legacy players staying around to live in Baltimore and support the new franhcise. Johnny Unitas being on the field at Ravens games was like the Godfather being at your wedding. Somehow you knew you were going to be ok. And Mr. Friend we have sold out every game since 98' and have not been blacked out in 6 years. While I know your beloved Redskins are well ahead of this curve, don't be so hasty to denounce the city you claimed to have held your nose closed while passing on your way to NYC.

And as far as your analogy of "We didn't complain when Baltimore got a football team." Football succeeds no matter where it goes in the North East. It will never die again in this town and you should know that because it's companies like the one that signs your checks that keep us all doped up waiting for the next play. If it weren't for the likes of ESPN bringing us sports highlights as if we watching a fucking moonlanding then we would watch a lot less football, probably learn how to read a little more, and more than likely not be such fat fucks.

Look I don't like your city either. The evil people live there. Your roads are fucking stupid. Your food and night life are probably some of the most overrated things I have ever partaken in and your FUCKING MAYOR SMOKED CRACK. I was born in Baltimore. I like my town. I'm sure you like yours. Yeah Baltimore is a little dangerous. Sure it smells in the summer. Yes, our Baseball owner Mr. Angelos is a tad overzealous and money grubby. But I wouldn't trade my city for any other rat's nest. And all cities are fucking rat's nests. Just look at Florida Ave. or that sess pool you call Dupont Circle.

We are sports fans here. We love our teams. We support them when they lose. It is difficult for you to understand that we are a sports town because you are coveting what we currently have and what you have longed for.

Anyway..I fucking hate you. You suck dick. I hope you get a fucking team and it sucks and you lose it just like you did the other two...whoops...did I say that...oh that's right the other two Baseball teams you lost. Not to mention the incredible job that the Caps and Wizards are doing with their attendance. Fucking Joke.

Choke on a dick...Love,
Bret Holmes

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