9:24
I seriously can't stop thinking about her and what I should do. And what makes this all the stranger is that I know she will eventually read this. I know she will see all these things that I write. Oddly, it fuels rather than deters. It inspires rather than extinguishes. I find her presence in thought makes my day easy. You can say you can wait, and you can say that it won't hurt. But, deep down you have a feeling that it won't be that easy at all. No matter how determined you are not to show anything. No matter how respectful you want to be of someone's life and how much you want things to unravel in natural succession, sometimes, it doesn't happen that way and you may be forced to tip a hand.
I've stayed up night talking on the phone. I never talk on the phone. I find myself being protective and overly thoughtful again. Even, if nothing happens, and I've said this before in a previous post, I at least know what makes me feel better. It's never the booze, or the trollops. It's never the cheap laughs over sporting events or hanging out with fringe friends. Life, at this point, and at this level of happiness is about making yourself proud. It's not about making anyone else proud or collecting things or anything like that. It's about stepping outside of you, looking back and realizing what it is you could be doing. If anything I got that. I got semi-restored. I can now believe again, not in anyone else per se, but I can believe again in me.
