That Guy You Just Want to Hit in the Throat
The man next to me is on the phone - I can only hear one side of the conversation -
"Hello"
"Hi"
"Yeah"
"Hi"
- This time he says it as though he were talking to a 5 year old he doesn't want to speak to. It comes off with an undulating cleft at the end. -
"Hi"
"Hi baby"
"Aww I miss you too."
- 9:15 a.m.
"Yeah I knoooooowwwwwww. He is soooooooo funnnnyyyy"
"Uh huh."
"Aww baby you should go back to bed."
- A slight chuckle sounds from his neandrotholic type jaw and his wide spread eyes making him seem as though he were the lowest end of the gene pool had it not been for his height of 6'4". Like newly weds they giggle on for 20 minutes -
"I'm sorry" -
"I was worried about you"
- no more than 5 minutes earlier they were talking about burnable DVD's. What could he be worried about? This man talks with a normal voice to me. His partner gets on the line and all of the sudden he becomes a father of a two year old.
"That would be keeewwweeelll"
"Yes, of course I love...."
"Oh you are the keeewwweeellleesssttt"
- Oh god. I want to punch this man in the dick. -
"I'm sure it will be baby."
"Don't worry. Everything will be fine"
- 30 seconds later -
"Yes, TRUST ME, don't worry. I'll rent that movie later."
These are the kind of people that should kill themselves. They should go straight out and get neutered. There should be lines and lines of people lined up in front of a window that has a sign that reads:
PUBLIC NEUTERING. WE ARE THE HYGENE OF THE WORLD
And at that window they would ask you things such as:
"Do you use baby talk on the phone while you are at work to soothe your partners apprehension?"
"Do you talk differently to your partner then you talk to others?"
"Are you often told that you are pathetic and do you notice eye rolls when you are out with or talking to your partner?"
"Do you feel as though you live in a dream land with your partner and thus are allowed to act in a totally inappropriate manner revolving around sappy talk to mask your obvious boring self and your constant contempt for your partner?"
And then they would usher you inside where a chair awaits with a huge rubber band hanging from the middle of the seat. The male sits in the seat and drops his pants. The rubber band is then wrapped around his testacles until they fall off. They are then shuffled to a table where they can have their fill of cookies and soda.
