Jas and I decided to take a break for a while. Why am I writing this on here? Well there are two reasons I guess. One, I know she'll read it and I know she'll believe what she reads more than what comes out of my mouth. Two, since I don't ever answer phones or make an attempt to really talk to anyone anymore I guess this is my only means of giving people updates.
Jas and I started real strong with our relationship. I immediately fell in love with everything that was in front of me. I saw this beautiful, energetic, vivacious, strong woman pulling at my heartstrings. She fascinated me and fueled me in every way. My days had bounce in them and my nights had dreams. Unfortunately, there was a good deal of baggage accompanying our budding relationship.
She was just coming out of a relationship she felt very strongly about and I couldn't stop talking about the only one I had ever really had. These two variables lead to feelings of mistrust, anger, and doubt. I can't speak for what they felt like for her but for me I felt like number two trying to sadly stand next to so many of her number ones. This was not her fault. She never lied to me about anything and she had full disclosure about her prior/current relationship. It was my own greed and insecurity that manifested those facts into such horrible feelings.
I didn't treat Jas as well as I could have. I was rather rude sometimes with her and didn't really give her the respect that you give someone you love. Just because you buy them things and take them out doesn't mean that you hold their heart in your hands. She would have rather had me laugh at one of her jokes or paid attention during a whole conversation rather than going out to eat or having me buy her a tiny bauble. But, alas I am an asshole and asshole's only care about one thing; themselves. She deserved more from me. She deserved my entire self to be involved and infatuated with her entire self. I couldn't do that. I saw things in her that I didn't enjoy seeing and that compiled with her prior relationship and my own desire to be comforted before comforting caused us to argue.
For the past few weeks we have argued and argued to the point where it doesn't make sense to say "I love you". It doesn't make sense to see each other because we don't make each other feel good. I have issues and she has issues. We aren't easygoing people; at least I'm not. She's a drama queen that likes being loud and I'm a cynic that is very judgmental and pessimistic. She and I are wonderful in so many ways; just not in the same ways.
From Jasika I got a great gift. I got a gift that I needed to have again. I found that I could love someone. I found that even for a brief time I could look at someone and be totally enammered by their presence and want to do everything in my power to make them smile or ease their pain. I learned that it's ok to be vulnerable around women again. It's ok to tell people things and it's nice to actually lay next to a woman and watch her sleep and dream. Jasika tried to make this work. I failed her. I failed me and in doing so lost a little piece of me. (Jesus I'm starting to get really sad). I lost faith in myself to be a good person. I thought, "If I could only find the right woman then I will be a good person." Well, I found the right woman and I wasn't any better of a person because I'm pretty sure I'm just permanently rotten at this point.
She's a wonderful woman. I will miss her. I hope that in a little while things may work themselves out to us possibly having another opportunity to be around each other, but I think that would be giving myself false hope. If she were writing this, she would be writing maybe the same thing but in her own tone. She knows this is the way it has to be because she said "Goodbye" just as amicably as I did.
Goodbye baby. I wish you nothing but happiness and love in your life.