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I Kan't Spell



Tuesday, November 16, 2004

 
The Hatred that is RUNTS!

What's your least favorite candy? Mine would have to be Tootsie rolls. Tootsie rolls just seem like a cheap Three Musketeers bar. They always looked like the runoff fudge that happened to be scraped off the floor at the Hershey plant. But even worse than that debauchery of a candy comes the reckless imagination candy makers have taken with fruity candies.

Grape and Banana I would say have to be the worst tasting of the fruit candy flavors. Oh and apple is a distant fucked up cousin. Now my palette may be different then yours as I enjoy more lemon lime citruses tastes to my candy but above all there is no denying the hatred for banana-flavored runts.

You remember Runts. Candy shapes like fruit only minature sizes that makes it easier for you to be a candy snob. You remember kids digging through the box handing out all the apples and bananas because they sucked so much ass.

"Hey can I have some runts."
"You can have some of the bananas."
"Fuck you! Nevermind!"

Banana flavored Runts are the last bastion of bad candy. When the segregation of flavors and the ability to choose your favorite fruit product taste came onto the scene with life-savers, Gummy-bears, Jolly Ranchers, and even...yes even the hated and much needed to die Jelly bean, you never saw any of these archaic outdated candies reach into the rat turd basket to stretch for the taste of banana. Well runts took care of that for us.

RUNTS! The lovely candy that decided to place a phallic jagged miniature banana inside of it's boxes so that we might one day not only know the feeling of choking on what could be a baby robins penis but in addition to our choking we have to ingest the putrid aroma that is banana flavored candy.

No where on earth are there more boxes half-filled with a certain candy after a child proclaims that they are finished then with the boomerang looking yellow darts of pain that adorn movie theatre walkways and day care bathrooms across America and belong to this most hated bitterly sweet candy known as RUNTS!

Not since sour patch kids and whistle pops have I grown so detested at a food. Not since seaweed flavored potato chips and rice cakes filled with sugar have a seen a more pointless expression of culinary efforts. Down with runts!

Hope that made you smile baby.

    Ya know what I want to know?????? I want to know who actually, truly and honestly enjoys eating banana runts! They are awful...they're the absolute worst! ugh! I'm spitting right now! Wiping my tongue off...yuck.


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