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I Kan't Spell



Friday, December 17, 2004

 
And the Starting Corporate Lineup Is...

These are my stereotypes for computer people around the industry. Welcome to my world. Jump in. The water is...linuxy.

Moron Manager

"Moron Manager" has no idea what you do all day. She reads charts and schedules meetings. She does not have an advanced degree but has been with the company for so damn long that they can't fire her and she is too inept to give her a real job. So they put her in charge of what they already can't control; the tech team.

Apple Guy

"Apple Guy" loves to ride mountain bikes and always ALWAYS has a girlfriend. I'm not saying the girlfriend is cool but he's always talking about shit like scuba diving and fuckin...orange picking in Florida. Apple Guy sucks.

Never Get Laid Dude

"Never Get Laid Dude" - Well the title says it all. He has acne. He's young and he makes no money because his skill sets are C++ and D+D online games. He doesn't go out for happy hour and lives with 3 other computer follies in an apartment in a cheap suburban neighborhood. Almost certainly drives a Saturn.

The Suit

"The Suit" has some sort of upper level degree and always looks nice because he's either meeting with clients or the mistress. The suit will take you out boozing but make you feel bad about him picking up the tab. The Suit has no idea what you do all day but as long as the bottom line is ok he'll leave you alone. The Suit knows more about your job than you do. Never cross The Suit, learn from him.

Tech Marketing Grease Ball

The "Tech Marketing Grease Ball" is not in all companies. His role is to explain the viability of either your job to upper management or the product you are making to customers. He couldn't cut it in sales but more than likely he's someone's nephew. He always has "product" in his hair and more than certainly drives a BMW and dates a blonde.

Little Miss Pass the Buck

"Little Miss Pass the Buck" sucks at her job. She just graduated school with a pointless BIS degree and her main skill sets are typing, cruising the Internet, and HTML. She is worthless and when something goes wrong she is the first one to explain why it isn't her fault. Little Miss Pass the Buck sucks hardcore.

Amazin' Asian

This is stereotypical but I'm here to share that every company has the "Amazin Asian". He's a whirlwind of a programmer and more than likely drives a motorcycle or some suped out whip and loves doing something crazy like airplane hopping. He's not much for conversation or favors but get on his good side and your job is that much easier. He always has a hot girlfriend because he makes more dough than everyone else except executives. Also substitutable there is "Intelligent Indian".

The IT Crew

"The IT Crew" can't be broken into parts because they themselves are pointless without one another. They have inside jokes and are extremely high strung. They are more than likely all married, and happily at that. They seem bitter and are extremely awkward to talk to.


The Motherfuckin Master

He doesn't look like much but "The Motherfuckin Master" will show you some shit that you never thought possible. You'll be sitting there with your dick in your hand whilst "The Motherfuckin Master" clangs on your keyboard like he's giving a massage to a thousand miniature men. And the shit will work and "The Motherfuckin Master" will disappear back into his cave only to be seen again when the signal goes up.


The Life Changer

He user to sell dope to kids. He went to a technical trade school. Found out plumbing sucked. He really likes video games and so he went to TESTT institute or Phoenix University and got himself a certificate that says he is entitled to make 45 grand a year. Say hello to "The Life Changer". The man who turned it all around as soon as he stopped smoking pot and working on his car.


Hipster Fuck Nose

"Hipster Fuck Nose" listens to a lot of techno music in his oversized headphones. He likes his job because he thinks he is really cool at it. Little does he know that his arrogance pisses off "The Suit" and "Moron Manager". You can find him at clubs or in his favorite online gaming room talking about the Reebok Classics he just purchased.

I'm Smarter Than You Are Guy

"I'm Smarter Than You Are Guy" is a fucking cock smoker. He doesn't help with problems and when he does you have to give him ten minutes or allow him "room to think". He never lets you forget how smart he is or how good he is at foosball or some other inane trick like juggling.



Weird Baldy Pony Tail Computer Person

There's always one stereotypical computer nerd. This is the guy that honestly admits to understanding and speaking Klingon. He loves to play Everquest in his time off and has a thing for anime porn. He has seen the Matrix 40 times and used the aliases Morpheus openly on corporate message boards.


Frumpy

Ole' Frumpy doesn't like anything very much since she left her second-rate local area college to study computers. She wears a ton of sweaters with collared shirts and Birkenstocks. Some people in the office think she's gay but you know that one night she's going to get rip roaring drunk and be all over the first guy that comes near her. You can usually find her eating by herself in the corporate cafeteria.




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