Chocolate and Dreams
I don't know what it is about eating chocolate before I go to bed but every time I eat it I seem to have the most vivid dreams. Last night I ate chocolate. Last night I had one of those dreams.
The dream was rather strange but so calming. It was Mirel and I. And it was all the conversation I've ever had about her with other girls and with my friends. Her face looked different but I knew it was her. Her face was some sort of conglomeration of different faces. It was very slender but still nurturing. I told her everything I had ever though and how I had reached bottom when it comes to understanding myself. I told her that the only thing that ever calmed me was her. And that I have never been better in my entire life than the time I have spent with her. I explained that I wouldn't pressure into anything romantic or intimate. All I wanted was her around. All I wanted was my mirror back.
You see, in her I see me. I'd say other than my mother/father, no other person has shaped me the way she has. She has affected the way I treat other women and she made me stronger than I ever planned to be. Just the though of having dinner with her over the past few weeks made me not want to drink/smoke/ and I cleaned my home just in anticipation that she might walk in. Sounds psycho huh? Well, too bad. It's honest. I respect what she thinks about me more than anyone I have ever known, mostly because she knew me better than anyone ever did, and more importantly because I love her.
The questions are, have I changed that much to not be allowed into her life? Have I become that corrupted and bankrupt that there is no room for me near her? Has she changed in the same ways? Can the very presence of her make me stronger?
I'll find out.
The dream was all about these things. I write them on here because I said them in the dream and I plan on saying them to her in the near future. I have no shame or curtain to hide behind with her. The dream also showed me stopping at so many house all with names of girls on them and I would knock and no one would answer. And then the slender faced Mirel would grab me under my arm and simply say, "Next one sweety. Next one."
You may ask why I write things like this knowing that she will read them. One, I have nothing to hide from her. Two, sometimes I don't always say what I mean or what I want to when she is there. Sometimes I get lost in her or create theories about where she stands and have cowardice towards my convictions. This was a nice little open field/air test for me.
I'm very nervous about seeing her.
