Step Into My Cube Baby
The saddest fucking desk in the world has to be mine. Actually, I don't know. I mean what kind of desk would I rather have? Would I want one with troll dolls and pictures of my kids and fat wife? Would I want one that looks like I sleep there, with papers everywhere and old coffee cups and coke cans littered around? Would I want a desk that makes people think I'm a "super worker"? These "super worker" desks as I call them are plastered with awards from the office such as; "ROI GUY of the YEAR!", "TOP **ACME** ACHIEVER", "Project Complete and We Salute You!"
Anyway, on my desk I have the following:
1) Manuals - We have more manuals and white papers on how to do shit than anywhere I have ever seen. If you need to take a shit here, there's a goddamn manual for it. I guess that's what you get when you do enterprise solutions but these manuals don't do a goddamn thing. They never come in handy when you hit an issue.
2. Phone - If anyone has ever called here you know that the sound of my name in the company directory sounds like someone who has just euthanized his dog. It's a cool VoIP though. Which makes me feel guilt free about calling Korea during the day.
3. Styrofoam cups - Some people have stationary that they pick up from Office Depot. I have stationary that I get from the kitchen. Need a pen holder? Styrofoam cup is your answer. Need a place to put those paperclips? Go pick up the amazing styrofoam cup. Hey, you can even fill it up with water and then use it after you done.
4. Code on white boards - Now, I know a good few people out there that leave this shit up so that when the sales and marketing people come to hassle you then you can just turn towards your white board of logic problems and X's and Y's and .cfm's and XML and all this other shit and give a loud huff. In actuality, nothing really gets solved on the white board. It's just there to make you look fucking cool.
5. A clock - In front of me right now, without turning my head, I can see the time in 4, count them 4 places. Clocks are useless. They are tasteful but useless. In this world of digital computer crap plastic no-more fucking without a plastic bag of your body the last thing I need is some archaic tic tocker making noise all day.
6. Push board with code and business cards - The awful thing about business cards is that you keep them. I can't once think to myself that I needed to look for someone's contact info on a business card. Not once. I'll tell you the worst thing about the push board, and this also goes for the white board, is that if you don't change them from time to time then people start to think you aren't doing anything. So, what you need to do is jumble shit up every so often. The people will think you are busy as hell.
7. Stapler and tape - umm office supplies.
8. Mountain Dew - You see this is why I love working here. They have all the free food and beverages you can suck down. I must crush 30 mountain dews a week working here. I mean I absolutely smoke them one after the other in the morning. Some people drink coffee I drink yellow caffeine crusher that comes out of a green can and is as famous in North Carolina as the Ku Klux Klan (oh boy I'm getting googled on that one - doesn't matter).
9. Corporate Doo Hickey's - You know what I mean. They have the ball bearing magnet platforms with your company logo on it. They have bendable twisting things with your logo. They have slinkies with your logo and towels and jackets and condoms and mouse pads and toothpicks and mouthwash and mints. Oh fuck they do have mints. I have them...lol...
That's my desk. Let's all cry together.