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I Kan't Spell



Friday, December 17, 2004

 
Step Into My Cube Baby

The saddest fucking desk in the world has to be mine. Actually, I don't know. I mean what kind of desk would I rather have? Would I want one with troll dolls and pictures of my kids and fat wife? Would I want one that looks like I sleep there, with papers everywhere and old coffee cups and coke cans littered around? Would I want a desk that makes people think I'm a "super worker"? These "super worker" desks as I call them are plastered with awards from the office such as; "ROI GUY of the YEAR!", "TOP **ACME** ACHIEVER", "Project Complete and We Salute You!"

Anyway, on my desk I have the following:

1) Manuals - We have more manuals and white papers on how to do shit than anywhere I have ever seen. If you need to take a shit here, there's a goddamn manual for it. I guess that's what you get when you do enterprise solutions but these manuals don't do a goddamn thing. They never come in handy when you hit an issue.

2. Phone - If anyone has ever called here you know that the sound of my name in the company directory sounds like someone who has just euthanized his dog. It's a cool VoIP though. Which makes me feel guilt free about calling Korea during the day.

3. Styrofoam cups - Some people have stationary that they pick up from Office Depot. I have stationary that I get from the kitchen. Need a pen holder? Styrofoam cup is your answer. Need a place to put those paperclips? Go pick up the amazing styrofoam cup. Hey, you can even fill it up with water and then use it after you done.

4. Code on white boards - Now, I know a good few people out there that leave this shit up so that when the sales and marketing people come to hassle you then you can just turn towards your white board of logic problems and X's and Y's and .cfm's and XML and all this other shit and give a loud huff. In actuality, nothing really gets solved on the white board. It's just there to make you look fucking cool.

5. A clock - In front of me right now, without turning my head, I can see the time in 4, count them 4 places. Clocks are useless. They are tasteful but useless. In this world of digital computer crap plastic no-more fucking without a plastic bag of your body the last thing I need is some archaic tic tocker making noise all day.

6. Push board with code and business cards - The awful thing about business cards is that you keep them. I can't once think to myself that I needed to look for someone's contact info on a business card. Not once. I'll tell you the worst thing about the push board, and this also goes for the white board, is that if you don't change them from time to time then people start to think you aren't doing anything. So, what you need to do is jumble shit up every so often. The people will think you are busy as hell.

7. Stapler and tape - umm office supplies.

8. Mountain Dew - You see this is why I love working here. They have all the free food and beverages you can suck down. I must crush 30 mountain dews a week working here. I mean I absolutely smoke them one after the other in the morning. Some people drink coffee I drink yellow caffeine crusher that comes out of a green can and is as famous in North Carolina as the Ku Klux Klan (oh boy I'm getting googled on that one - doesn't matter).

9. Corporate Doo Hickey's - You know what I mean. They have the ball bearing magnet platforms with your company logo on it. They have bendable twisting things with your logo. They have slinkies with your logo and towels and jackets and condoms and mouse pads and toothpicks and mouthwash and mints. Oh fuck they do have mints. I have them...lol...


That's my desk. Let's all cry together.

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Reading
Revolutionary Wealth - Tofflers
Brian Jones

Things Making Me Smile
The City
Newness
Listening - [out of 5]
Benjy Ferree - 4.8
The Thermals 3.1
David Gray 3.8

Quote(S)
Like the guy with the beard? YES - like the guy with the beers. What? Yep

Bands That I Check Schedules For
Badly Drawn Boy
Belle and Sebastian
Benjy Ferree
The Black Keys
Deerhoof
Drive By Truckers
The Eels
Enon
Kimya Dawson
Mark Hopkins Band
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Ween

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Hull Street
Joun Gak
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No Way Jose
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Turner's
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My Greatest Hits (that's so lame)

The time I almost killed a child
July 4th in Korea
Excerpts from Demian
Why I screen phone calls
Bret's Death Metal Report
A conversation at a cocktail party
A conversation at breakfast
So you think you are a Baltimorian
A conversation about a girl singer
Observations from a bar
Observations of strippers
Tech Language
Why I love Oasis
I would go to war
"You Son of a Bitch" An Open Letter to Tom Friend
Dance to Your Ocean
Dream Ranch
When men become pussies
Jason Whitlock is a racist propaganda promoter
Pitchfork takes music snobbery to new level
The Cosmic Clash of the Red Sox and Cubs
The Hatred that is Runts Candy
Starting corporate line-up
Google Bio
Do you know me? List 1 / List 2 / List 3
The Night I Burned Philly Down
So You Want to be a Booze Hound
She Said it was Free
Funniest Corporate Story Ever
Striped Shirts and the Fucks that Wear Them
Death Peddle
NEW!!!
Pieces of Morning
Oasis Album Revew
The Art of Tipping
Starting Fires With Grass Stains
Bret's Federal Hill Food Review
Sexcapades and your Picture on the Internet
Stupid Secrets
Stupid Secrets the Return


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Stuff I Swing By From Time to Time

- MUSIC
Donewaiting.com
hive3.com
Indie Video Archive
Large Hearted Boy
Important Records
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Pitch Fork Media
Reptilian Records
Scenestars MP3 Blogs
Sound Garden Baltimore

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Aloud.com
Pre-Shrunk
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