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I Kan't Spell



Thursday, January 20, 2005

 
Best of Bret Volume 1

Since most of my stuff on here isn't research related like Tim. Most of it, besides the whiney girl crap, is sarcastic and kinda funny, and if not - you can kiss my ass. I figured for my latest tuned in viewers (umm both of them) I would bring some of the Best of Bret that you may not have had a chance to see. I'll do about one a week -

Issue 1 - Bret's Death Metal Report November 11th 2003

Here is a brand of music I have never listened to. My main vein of music is usually Brit Pop with some Indie stuff. So we'll see how it goes.


1. Ok So we are listening to Anal Cunt's - "I sent Concentration Camp Footage to America's Funniest Home Videos". And Play:
Wow that sure is a ton of energy. He seems to really be yelling loud into the mike. I didn't understand one word. The title was obviously backed up by the pain in his lyrics. I mean he must be a pretty lonely guy, with good access to Hollywood to procure Holocaust tapes, and then to know Bob Sagat personally well that's just cool. I give that song a score of...umm...no stars...

2. Next we go to Autopsy Torment's - "Only Pleasure in Life...Death". And Play:
Nice baseline. They must have practiced that while grading cheese at a local Pizza Hut. An interesting voice. He may want to lay off the smokes. It seems to be really affecting his ability to hit those high notes. I can't really understand the lyrics. Let's see what we got - "No it's not for the final day. Then we want to hear you say, "Fuck You". ", "Forward your pain and regrets...hgfjkasdhdjlkfhjd hfjkdhsjkfsdj hfjkls". So yeah it was deep stuff. I was really expecting angrier emotion. This is kind of weak. This must be one of those sissy death metal bands.

3. Ok next on tap is Dimmu Borgir's "Burn in Hell" - And Play:
Wow they sound like queen. If Freddie had his voice ripped out and replaced with a chainsaw. Well the opening was very queeny. Oh and they use synthesizers. Yet another angry band. At least I can understand their lyrics though. Here are some "WELCOME TO THE ABANDONED LAND. COME ON IN, CHILD; TAKE MY HAND HERE THERE'S NO WORK OR PLAY ONLY ONE BILL TO PAY AND FIVE WORDS TO DAY"...and those words would be "You're gonna burn in Hell". "Evil evil evil evil". Well you get the gist. Wow the back up singer is a real nancy boy. These guys aren't death metal. They could barely open for Danzig. I'm very disappointed. Actually now that I think about it this may be a Christian death metal band. They talk about "don't you think no evil. You're gonna burn in hell". That church is smart. They try to reach all demographics.

4. Ok so next we have another delightful group names Cannibal Corpse and they will be performing "Disposal of the body" And Play:
Wow these guys really need vocal lessons. I think I could play this music. Thrash baby thrash. Oh that's it. He's probably a premature ejaculator given the propensity for 2 minute tunes. I can't understand any of the lyrics. But I grow curious about the disposal process. So I will go to lyricdepot and find some stuff. "Carve the corpse - Dissect him in the tub Smash the teeth, slice off scars, crush the bones With a crowbar - scrape off all tattoos If you don't cut open the stomach The corpse will rise and float." Well thanks for the tips man. Ooh they have another song called "Fucked by a Knife" How lovely. This seems like a scene I may wanna check out sometimes soon.

5. Back to our friends Anal Cunt and "311 Sucks!" - And Play:
It seems as though they are the popular band these days that kids really like. What a nice album to have in the collection. Oh this is innovative. They are playing 311 and slurring the lyrics and they follow it up at the end with "You fuckin suck!". Original and poignant. They must consider themselves in the same genre to be attacking 311. I guess it's a good branding effort. What's next? Are they going to attack Dio?

6. Oh Wait I have heard of these guys. Pantera with "Death Trap" - And Play:
Well now this is metal. High pitched guitars and a womanly voice. It doesnt get any better than this right here. Now I know what inspires the t-shirts. I can totally see the reason why high school kids cut from JV hockey support this group. They really let you get the aggression out. This is a masterpiece to say the least. "Death Trap Death Trap Death Trap Death Trap" in unison with the drums. Original...what trend setters

7. Next up the band everyone used to know as Smiley Rainbows is now Amon Armoth with "Ride for Vengeance" - And Play:
Man after they lost their Barney gig they really took a revolutionary turn. Is there a book out there called Death Metal for Dummies because I'm not getting it? Do they all have the same producer and lyricist. They really aren't separating themselves enough from the scene for me to attribute their name to the music. What a shame, because in between the 3 minute guitar solos and Satan singing they really seem to have something to say.

8. Next we have Mortician with their version of Bob Dylan's unreleased track "Bone Crusher" - And Play:
Ok yet another unrecognizable voice pattern. Do they do that on purpose? I mean they seem to really be angry and have some stuff to say. Just don't not say it. Let me hear loud and clear so I can then laugh hysterically. So it's back to lyricdepot.com. Hold on here we go - "Sledgehammer, bash your skull. Head explodes, brains and bone. Swinging mace, cracks your face. Nose smashed in, teeth kicked in. Baseball bat, breaks your back. Cracked rib cage, shattered legs." I can see why Bob left that one on the shelf.

9. Next up we have At the Gates with their "Into the Dead Sky" - And Play:
A nice little acoustic guitar to open. This can't be death metal. He's playing Doe Ray Mi. Now this may be my kinda death metal band. Oh wait...wait...wait...the snake mouth singer just came out. He's getting ready to spit. Here it comes. He's holding me in suspense. Come on guy mumble really loud, apparently not. They seem to be an instrumental death metal band. I have to say it's the best I have heard so far. That must have been their ladies music.

10. Napalm Death is next with their classic hit "Necessary Evil" - And Play:
Chocj a jib chich a booy choga job booky a get hem EVIL EVIL EVIL herth beds greout truhg chewq frajk" Interesting lyrics. Deciphered that seems to be "A necessary evil ? Bargaining pleas. held at ransom ? our souls diseased. A necessary evil ? The dominant role. There's no escape ? You crossed the solitary line." Well another child who didn't really get the full McGruff the crime dog message.


And that's about all I can take for one night. Woo...that was intense...ill give them that. I feel like I need to take a bath and then go beat someone up.

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