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I Kan't Spell



Tuesday, January 18, 2005

 
The Most Homosexual Moment In My Life

My friend Craig and I love Oasis. It's like 4th of July and Christmas and a Birthday when Oasis come to America and we get tickets. It is especially spectacular when we go to the show in NYC. Why? Because we know where they hang out after the show. It's no real secret at this point, that the place we frequent is the place that Oasis go to after a show. I've seen the paparazzi a couple times. Last time in the bar it was rather crowded and it's not as though Craig and I are that cool to have an 'in' to private rock star party. Oddly enough the bar that we found on one freezing night in NY and the one bar we always go to while in NY, "The Irish Pub" (no really that's it's name - of course there are about 20 of those in the city good luck fidning it suckers - because I notice I get googled like a mother fucker for "Oasis in NYC after show party" and stuff like that) is the place where Oasis like to party after a show. The story of my most homosexual experience took place in this bar.

We had seen Liam there a bunch of times from previous tours but never Noel. Liam is fun and all and we talked to him a couple times but he's a fucking weirdo and considered by myself as "King of the Lads" but Noel is "King of the Kings" (I actually met Liam a while ago '00 at a concert that Mirel was working at as a runner. She got to drive Liam to his hotel (probably slept with him) and then drive him back. Liam loved her and when we were at the show she let us in early and allowed us to sit in the stands while she went and fucking fetched Liam to come and see us...seriously it was like watching a monkey tamer call her chimp 'come on Liam...come on...be a good boy' anyway...) Seeing Noel is both rare and extremely special. He's not as public as his brother and since his quotes, interviews, and song writing are what I love, seeing him that night was unreal.

Craig elbowed me and said, "Dude, don't drop your drink when you turn around." I looked and instinctively knew what he was saying, "No shit man. Really? Fuckin Noel is here." He replied "Not only is Noel here, but Gem, Andy and Alan are here and the fucking dudes from the lighting crew that we met last night. So hold on to your tits. It's gonna be a good night." We toasted and ordered a car bomb.


Craig and I that night  

We giggled and looked around like two school girls who were at the cool people's party and were trying not to be noticed but in fact could not help ourselves when the star quarterback walked in. I felt this feeling and checked myself and tried to check Craig, "I'm not going over there man. I mean, I'll buy him a drink or whatever and say thank you but that's it. If you think I'm asking for an autograph or a picture you are out of your fuckin gord. I'm not anyone's bitch. He's a man just like me." Inside my heart fluttered and I watched him move throughout the bar.

10 minutes later I asked for a picture.

Noel turned me down for the picture. I bought Liam a pint of something and gave a thumbs up to Craig. (as you are reading this you are picturing how much of a dork I really am). Then I saw Gem Archer sitting by himself at a table that I was standing in front of having a conversation with some English people about Rugby vs. Football or some horseshit. I turned around and there's Gem looking at me and he motioned with his fingers for me to come down to his speaking level, "Mate, football is for pansies." I agreed, because well, he's Gem and I'm me and I wanted a damn picture. I asked him, "Mr. Archer do you think I could trouble you for a picture?" He said, "Absolutely mate." And so I had this big ridiculous smile on my face like Zeus himself had just given me a foot massage.


Gem and I - notice that smile - NO WAIT! Look at that fuckin hair! Yeah!

I thanked Gem for the picture and bought him a drink. I then saw Noel holding court, and as if the story wasn't already gay enough. It's about to get WAY MORE GAY! So he's sitting there and there is a lobby around him. People getting him this and slapping him on the shoulder for that and what have you. All I wanted to do, and seriously, this is what I told Craig, is to ask him one question. I wanted to ask him:

"Why in your cover of Neil Young's Hey Hey My My do you leave out the Johnny Rotten verse?"

So I moseyed over and nudged this girl aside and shook the Chief's hand and said (and I was smoked at this point), "Thank you so very much for bringing music that brought my friends and I closer together. We owe you so much." He actually looked at me like I wasn't from Mars and said, "That's what it's all about mate. Cheers. Buy more copies of Be Here Now will ya (the 3rd album that flopped like a hot bag of shit)" So he heard me. He heard my question, digested it and then spit back something that concluded that he had thought about for any number of nanoseconds. But then I got greedy and asked my question, "Why in your cover of Neil Young's Hey Hey My My do you leave out the Johnny Rotten verse?" He looked me in the eye and said, "Because the fuckers still alive and he's a cunt." I laughed, but it wasn't funny.

I was taken back. It was exactly what I expected and I thought for a second that Noel and I were developing a repoir. I thought for a second that I may be able to pull up a stool and hang out. I thought for a hot moment that I had reached him like no other fan. I was naive enough to think that I mattered to this universe of his right there and then. Then a girl walked over.

Noel looked at her and then at me. She was gorgeous. I mean she was a British man's dream I assume. She was about 5'9" blond hair and legs that went to her ears. She was wearing black leather boots that zipped up her thigh. She sat down on Noel's lap and looked at me. I looked back at her and mouthed the words, "Slut". She shrugged her shoulders and said, "That's the name of the game honey. Better luck next time." She was my competition for Noel's affection. She stole my man! I was defeated for Noel's attention and went back to Gem and Andy Bell to be consoled.

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