Only in Dreams
I've had dreams the past couple nights. I keep having awful dreams again. Dreams that make me wretch where I sleep. I sit there when I wake up and I light a cigarette and shake while holding my knees. I usually end up walking around and punching walls and not wanting to go back to sleep because I would rather be tired then fucked in the head.
I'm not a big fan of my dreams and I never have been. I guess they aren't dreams then - I guess they are sort of like nightmares only they aren't violent or scary they are just annoying flashbacks of things that I have messed up.
My dreams are always sort of in the past. It's as though everything I want to happen comes to present and then I fail at it. It's my brain telling me to let go. It's my brain just saying move on because I'm wrong and the things I want to happen aren't supposed to happen and to keep torturing myself is fucked up beyond belief.
I'm not sad.
I'm telling you about my dreams.
I had about 5 last night. The worst dream was that I was sent back in time. God granted a wish and sent me back in time to meet Mirel. I knew everything about her but she didn't know me at all. It was that first day of class when she walked in late and sat down next to me. I came clean with her and told her everything I knew about her. She got freaked and ran away and assumed I was a stalker. The weird part is that I didn't chase after her. I just sort of gave up and said, "We can be rich. I know who will every football game for the next 7 years." There was more to it but I don't quite remember it all. There was another dream about Jas and another one about my Uncle and I fishing and using my Dad as bait.
Anyway - I don't really like my dreams too much. I wish I would just go back to my standard dream of drowning while fighting alligators. I never woke up and smoked a cigarette to those.
BTW - it's very likely I'll be snowed in here.
