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I Kan't Spell



Tuesday, January 18, 2005

 
Story with Picture: The Night I Burned Philly Down

I (Scharf, Licious, Sponge Bob Square Head, Stump, Smoketastic, Bart, Bert, Treb...ahhh!) just found a way to upload all these pics again and I started noticing that my collection of pics have stories around them so I figured I would show the pics and tell the story.

Before I left for Korea in August of '03 we all decided to take a jaunt to Philly to see Michael. Michael (jenkfest, Mr. wonderful, festivus, mako, fat kid, hedgehog..)


Mr Wonderful. - Remember what shirt I'm wearing.

On the way up to Philly to hang out at the Bishop's Collar, or as I like to call it "O'shea's North", we stopped at a gas station. At the gas station I got out of Eric's (Wazz, Wazzle Wazz, Groves, Wicked Paws) new Land Rover and lit a cigarette. In the car were Blake (Corn, Flake, Mr. Miller), Ryan (Keeno Deano, 'the original' Smoke Tastic', Deano, Hokes) and Nick (Niles, Grease man, Shark, Mr. MBNA). When I got out of the car to light I heard a high pitched squeal.

Dean: "What the fuck are you doing?"
Me: "I'm splitting atoms. What the fuck does it like I'm doing. I'm having a smoke."
Nick: "You can't smoke at a gas station."
Me: "A cigarette cannot ignite gasoline. It's not hot enough."
** laughter inside the car ensued.

I was dumbfounded because I knew that a cigarette could not ignite gasoline. And I figured that was common knowledge.

The rest of the car ride up I had my balls busted:
"Hey Bret it's kind of hot in here. Why don't you light a cigarette and cool us down."
"Bret the air conditioner is broken. Why don't you smoke another one and freeze the car with that unhot cigarette."

To which I replied to each of them in a calm tone, "Go fuck yourself."

So we get to Philly and we are having a good time. I mean laughing fall over the place ordering shots and beer and Jamesons. We partied. Then a couple girls came over and I was pretty drunk at this point and I had learned a new trick a week before. You can light your finger on fire using (i think) 80 proof or more booze. So I ordered a shot of Grand Mangier and continued with my theatre. The waitress took notice and asked me to stop lighting myself on fire. Then the ribbing came back in, "Bret man you should put your finger out with a cigarette." "Whew it's hot in here. Light up a heater to cool us down."

So I got pissed.

I walked up the street to the gas station and bought a coke and poured it into the trash can. I then proceeded to pay for 30 cents worth of gas on pump #2. I filled up the coke bottle with gasoline and walked back down the street.

I walked into the bar and said, "Alright fuckos. Everyone outside. I'm gonna prove to you that a cigarette does not light gasoline. Let's go"

So I huddled everyone outside and poured the gasoline onto the sidewalk. I lit a cigarette and stood in the middle of the gasoline. I then dropped the lit cigarette into the puddle while standing in the middle and proceeded to watch it go out. I looked around and said, "See.." (got a little cocky) "...a match won't even light it."

WWHWHWHHHWHHHHROOOOOMOMMOMMOMROMOMOMMMM! FLAMES SOUND!!!!

I was engulfed in flames. I took off of my shirt and attempted to beat the flames out. My shoes were sticking to the ground as I moved and all the hair on my legs and arms were gone. I had my shirt off and I was beating the flames. From inside, Dean (who stayed in to talk to girls) said he could see the flames cover all the windows on that side of the bar and just saw me jumping around like a moron on fire. The waitress quickly threw him the tab and said "Get Out!!"


Keeno Deano in normal mode.

He came outside and I had run up the street as the owner's of houses and the bar across the street ran out yelling "Call 911! Call 911!" I had taken off shirtless, hairless, and melty shoed up the street. Wazzle ran after me and gave me his shirt and said that they would meet me up the street at another bar. On the way there Lauren (Blake's girlfriend) snapped a picture saying, "For the front page tomorrow"


I got a little jumpy.


I then wanted the shirt as a memento. So I went back and got it and posed with my fire retardant shirt.



The Night Bret Burned Philly Down


We then proceeded to the "Firehouse bar" (I shit you not.) to finish off our evening in style. It was a solid night and that story will never die.


Look at these Morons at the Firehouse: Wicked Paws in the back with his hand out. Blake standing in the white looking like he's posing for an LL Bean catalog. I am looking exceptionally short in the middle. 'The Original' Smoketastic is in the front trying to stand, Fest is on my right and yet to add 50 pounds, Niles is in back of him looking greasier than ever. Kudos to Lauren for snapping pictures that night. That's the night I taught her how to drink scotch. My girl....


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