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I Kan't Spell



Monday, February 28, 2005

 
Chapter 1 (small taste): Booze - It's What's for Breakfast.

~~~Now before we proceed I want to clarify that being a smoke is not about being homeless or broke or some sort of pedophile with an open shirt and too many gold chains. Being a smoke is about living life outside your means and knowing it. Being a smoke is about being outwardly aggressive to a box of kittens because they have been meowing too much. Being a smoke isn't about being fake either. It's about seeing your ship going down and wanting to jump up and down on the bow to make it go down faster. It's about pushing the envelope and trying to mail that fucker without a stamp. It's about not just going down but going down in fucking flames. It's stepping beyond bounds and not caring about the average man. It's seeing the average man, hating him like you hate the fucking Yankees and then obliterating him with your over the top behavior and violent mood swings. It's about being the guy you never wanted to be and wanted to be at the same time. It's about being him, lighting him on fire, and pushing him through a bar and watching everyone get out of the way.~~~


If you truly aspire to be a Smoke First Class level type of person you have to have a vice that is only rivaled by David Lee Roth's Mid 80's meltdown. Booze is my vice of choice. Booze makes the world right. And when I say booze I don't mean some half a fag ordering Coors Light after Coors Light. I mean fucking booze. Jameson, Jack, Maker's, anything with some sort of "oolihan" or "oszky" in it, just as long as it's clear, or brown and you can light it on fire.

Booze is a doorway to another world. The beer drinker will never understand this world. He only gets glimpses of it at certain moments when he cringes at the horseshit Jaeger shot he forces to endure. He is only shown the ways of the 'hound' during bachelor parties and girlfriend meltdowns. Booze is beautiful. Booze is sexy. Booze gives an air of aristocracy and refinement.

Take these two orders for instance:

"I'll have a Bud Light"
"I'll have a double dickle on the rocks, in a low ball if you have one."

I mean shit doesn't that make your cock hard or panties wet just thinking about that order? I know it does for me. I know that despite being a smoke what turned me on to booze in the first place was hearing someone order a drink with conviction. Someone who wanted to kill their brain cells and they wanted to do it in style. They were not going to slowly kill themselves with the mundane bullshit utterance of "Miller Lite" please. They were going to announce to the world that "Hey I can light my finger on fire if I dipped it into this drink. And yes, I'm gonna drink the fucker." People do double takes. Everyone asks, "What are you drinking?" And you can slyly and wryly stand there and offer it to them to watch them smell it and cringe like the pansies they are, "Eww oh my god. How do you drink that?" And you can honestly look back and reply, "Because I'm a smoke baby. Welcome to my world."

Booze. Just that word alone - Boooooooozzzze. It sounds like it should be a carnival ride. "Step right up and ride the booze. You there young lad, How'd you like to step aboard the Boooooooooooooooozzze train for a ride you've never seen.".

Booze. It makes us think that we are choosing death and pain as opposed to anything else. You don't start drinking booze because it tastes good, and everyone knows that. You drink it because you want to be fucking cool. If all we wanted was something that tasted good there would just be Bubble Gum flavored Schnapps on tap at every bar. But there isn't. There is refinement in our choice or drunkenness. There is a masochistic desire to wince when we drink and jiggle our heavy bottomed little glass and slowly peruse the selection of labels behind the bar. "Hmmmm ...ohh they have Delwhinney. Well... Oh wow they have Glenlivet 15. But I think I'll try the Red Breast - it's a little drier than those others." Man - smokes we are.

You need this if you are a smoke. You need this sort of desire to want to be noticed and appreciated for your vice. You want someone to think twice before they order for you. You want to be the guy that is in your circle of friends that turns his nose at the mass Miller Lite order going into the bar. You want to be the guy that cringes when he sees his drink in a pint glass. You want to be the smoke. You want to be responsible for the elevation of everyone else's boozing.

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