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I Kan't Spell



Monday, March 14, 2005

 
Work Lingo that Makes Me Cringe

"I am not so lost in lexicography as to forget that words are the daughters of earth, and that things are the sons of heaven." -- Samuel Johnson

Word >>> Implied Meaning >>> Bret Meaning

1. Action Item >>> A traceable task that can be tracked directly to ROI and has a proven/set time limit >>> I mean what the fuck? Why not just say, "Do this" or "This is your next task." Nooooo...it has to be an "action item" because that sounds important. Well you can action MY item if you say that again.

2. Hot Site >>> A customer application that is faltering or has no apparent fix. This site is in a production status and is currently being used and currently breaking. >>> THE SKY IS FALLING! WE'RE FUCKED! OH GOD! This is not the assignment any consultant wants to get. This means someone fucked up and you have to swoop in and eat shit and tell jokes about how bad your product is for a week. Always fun to take it in the ass.

3. Coaching >>> An advisor that supports a team effort via his experience and knowledge >>> A way to make a living whereby you don't have to know anything about anything as long as you can rephrase what the client has said into a question.

4. Perform quick review/assessment >>> The issues were studied quickly in hopes of bringing more information into the fold for a wider breadth of people. >>> We took a longer lunch than expected and had to lie to you about what we did for 4 hours today. This sounds like a good way to kill half of a day.

5. currently has a requirement for separate/distinct approval processes for different business units >>> In this specific company business logic is tied closely to security so that work flow can be tracked and restricted. >>> WE DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON SO WE MADE THIS SHIT UP! We thought we were just, you know, going to work. But now we are marred in business units. Business units...that sounds hilarious.

6. Team >>> A group of people working together to solve problems and achieve goals. >>> A bunch of saps who work weekends to keep someone else on a fucking golf course. Team! Hah! That's hilarious.

7. data repository >>> A bank of information that allows people to more quickly solve issues and answer their own questions. >>> A fucking message board. Data repository my ass. Who comes up with this shit? From now on I'm going to call my shoes "car liberators". Fucking nonsense.

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