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I Kan't Spell



Friday, April 01, 2005

 
Mitch Hedberg Dead at 37

    I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
The first live comedy show I ever went to was Mitch Hedberg. I remember not really having a modern day comic to like, as I was really into George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, and Richard Prior acts but, when I saw Mitch on Comedy Central for the first time I remember laughing so hard and just staring with disbelief at the screen.
    This shirt is dry clean only, which means, it's dirty
I remember going to watch him at the Improv in Baltimore and sitting 4th table back and a little to the right. I didn't see his eyes once the whole night. I laughed at almost everything that came out of his mouth and remember thinking to myself that this was something really special to watch. This was a comedian that was so good that his stage presence didn't need to invoke any sort of gimmick to support long drawn out jokes or poorly structured satire.
    I got a rental car, an accidentally left the emergency parking brake on for ten minutes. That doesn't say much for me, but it says even less for the "Emergency Parking Brake." It should be called the "Emergency Make The Car Smell Funny Lever."
I remember after the show, my friend Big Mike let us go "back stage", and back stage at the Improv is a red room with an ice chest and a couch.
    had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine.
So we went back stage and Mitch wasn't there. He actually just went straight to the bar inside the Improv. There were a ton of people around him, and he didn't have a manager or anything shielding him from the barrage of fan support. He was just chill and laughing.
    I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.'
When he sort of got done and needed to get his stuff we were standing in the dressing room doorway area and he walked by and looked over at me and said, "Was I funny?" I looked back and said, "Man, you are going to be a legend." He looked at me and winked and just smiled. It was the first time all night I had seen his eyes. They were dancing. He looked excited.
    That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
I also remember riding with Doug or Blake and doing all the Mitch lines. I remember playing the CD for Oliver back when he was in Baltimore and how much we all used to light up at his one liners. Mitch died last night. He was a great comedian and brought me a lot of laughter.
    In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world.
Why am I giving such a long eulogy over someone I didn't know? Why? Because, for some reason I don't feel as though Mitch was at his time. Laugh if you want, but this seems like a tragic death, in the same vein as other famous people that left here before they really got to taste the fruits of their labor. Before they really got to develop their craft.
    You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...


The Mitch Hedberg Wiki has more jokes - these were my favorites - Peace be with you Mitch.
    When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes

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