Bretholmes.com - Bret Holmes Baltimore Md

    Investment News   |    DON'T   |    WORK   |    STOP   |    CRYING!   |    GUESTBOOK   |

I Kan't Spell



Friday, May 06, 2005

 
Death Peddle

Ok I have to say this - and this isn't in direct correlation to anything - but I have to openly admit my hatred for middle-aged men and young women who cycle.

First off - anyone who openly competes in athletics in a sport which takes 0 athletic ability bother me. This includes morons that lift weights, run, swim, anything that takes time over skill. Second off - watching old men and young women participate together in a a sport (fuck that a - - - umm - - - hobby) makes me puke. And that's what cycling is people. Don't let the Michelob Ultra adds fool you - - it's 40 year old professional men buying 1000$ Cannondales for gold digging 25 year olds.

I was walking to work today and noticed a bike rally. Sorry, I should say a fucking cycling rally, a cycling club, a fucking cycling get together. Whatever the fuck it's called. It looked like a Smith Barney commercial. AHHH!

It was a sea of bald, dumpy, men in spandex padded pants with sunglasses on. They had their little clip-in shoes and their fuckin grandpa beards or slicked back hair underneath their protective pointless aerodynamically shaped helmet.


Captain Awesome!



It was a sea of young women with their over developed brains wanting to ride behind sugar daddy while he climbed the arduous "hill"/"Mountain"/ fucking street that is Charles street. "Go Bob! You are really feeling the burn!" They'll say as he hits the intimidation that is North Avenue. They have their little padded ass pants on with the US postal service uniform and fucking live strong bands and breast cancer ribbons and support our troops earring and give money to Bill Swaggert pins on their tits. AHHH!

Look at meeee! I'm cycling daddy - I mean boyfriend.


If I was riding up a fucking street I have no need for this kind of gear. It's overcast today and these people have on sunglasses. Oh how I loathe them. I LOATHE THEM more than anything. It's the stench of them that gets to me. It's their flamboyant and flippant aristocracy that gets thrown in my face by saying "Hey it's 8:30! I have a US Postal jersey on, just like lance, and I don't have to be at work. I closed down my dental practice for the day and decided to ride my little bike and wear a t-shirt that says 'One less car'"

Oh how I loathe you. How I want to put a hockey stick in the spokes of your tire and watch your old decrepit ass fly over the handle bars only to be greeted by the boot of my heel coming down to realign your jaw and that scruffy old man beard.


Loathe you - I loooooaaathe all of you.


I've got a new hand single that you peddlers of pestilent life can give each other. You take your whole hand and move it in a thrusting motion when you are going down a hill. You do this to emulate the fisting job you are performing on your soul's vagina.


401K's!!!


You smell of awfulness. You reek of everything that I hate about getting old and losing my innocence.

I battle your shambled sacks of death on a daily basis. Other people want you. They want to be you. They want to ride their little bikes and throw a finger to the world. They want to be 55 and fuck 25 year olds. I on the other hand want to buy a semi-automatic weapon and go to those parks where you fucks mountain bike on the weekends and I want to shoot up your entire parking lot of SUV's with your green peace stickers and support our troop magnets. You are fucking hypocrites. You sick fucking people. You are the reason behind my snarl. You are the pointless. I hope they bury you with that stupid fucking bike. Sorry, that stupid fucking cycle.

So remember when you pick up that Mr. Thirsty on Monday, or that scalpel, or that law book, or maybe even sit down to type at a computer, that there are people out here in the world who hate you. And I'm not bitter about my life. I love me. I hate you. You are my opposite but with a sickly glow. They have a sick pedophile glow. You are the liberals that fight your battles with flaccid penises. You are death to me. If you want to know why I detest them so much, it's because I associate them with death. I associate them with wretched disgusting death. The same characteristic they would no doubt give to me.

Comments: Post a Comment



Favorites List
Pandora Song List
Amazon Wish List
Reading
Revolutionary Wealth - Tofflers
Brian Jones

Things Making Me Smile
The City
Newness
Listening - [out of 5]
Benjy Ferree - 4.8
The Thermals 3.1
David Gray 3.8

Quote(S)
Like the guy with the beard? YES - like the guy with the beers. What? Yep

Bands That I Check Schedules For
Badly Drawn Boy
Belle and Sebastian
Benjy Ferree
The Black Keys
Deerhoof
Drive By Truckers
The Eels
Enon
Kimya Dawson
Mark Hopkins Band
Oasis
Iron and Wine
Mates of State
Ted Leo
Travis
Two if By Sea
Ween

Places I Rock in the Flesh
9:30 Club
Black Cat
Electric Factory
Fletcher's
8x10
The Knitting Factory
The Otto Bar
Recher Theatre
Sonar

Places I Eat/Drink in the Flesh
Aldo's
Bishop's Collar
Boccacio's
Cross Street Market
Hull Street
Joun Gak
Mick O'Shea's
No Way Jose
Porter's
The Irish Pub
Turner's
The Waterfront Hotel

My Greatest Hits (that's so lame)

The time I almost killed a child
July 4th in Korea
Excerpts from Demian
Why I screen phone calls
Bret's Death Metal Report
A conversation at a cocktail party
A conversation at breakfast
So you think you are a Baltimorian
A conversation about a girl singer
Observations from a bar
Observations of strippers
Tech Language
Why I love Oasis
I would go to war
"You Son of a Bitch" An Open Letter to Tom Friend
Dance to Your Ocean
Dream Ranch
When men become pussies
Jason Whitlock is a racist propaganda promoter
Pitchfork takes music snobbery to new level
The Cosmic Clash of the Red Sox and Cubs
The Hatred that is Runts Candy
Starting corporate line-up
Google Bio
Do you know me? List 1 / List 2 / List 3
The Night I Burned Philly Down
So You Want to be a Booze Hound
She Said it was Free
Funniest Corporate Story Ever
Striped Shirts and the Fucks that Wear Them
Death Peddle
NEW!!!
Pieces of Morning
Oasis Album Revew
The Art of Tipping
Starting Fires With Grass Stains
Bret's Federal Hill Food Review
Sexcapades and your Picture on the Internet
Stupid Secrets
Stupid Secrets the Return


Contact Me

Stuff I Swing By From Time to Time

- MUSIC
Donewaiting.com
hive3.com
Indie Video Archive
Large Hearted Boy
Important Records
Oasis News
Pitch Fork Media
Reptilian Records
Scenestars MP3 Blogs
Sound Garden Baltimore

- BUY
Aloud.com
Pre-Shrunk
Shotgun Apparel
Warrior Clothing

- HUMOR
Angry Little Girls
Atom Films
Eye Envision
Homestar Runner
Kill Frog
Junior Varsity Meat Market

- PERSONAL
Baltimore City Paper
The Baltimore Sun
Calvert Hall
Degroen's Brewers
ESL Cafe
Fantasy Sports
Korean Herald
Villa Julie College Baseball
W3 Schools



Archives
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009
01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009
02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009
03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009
04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009
06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010
02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010
03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010
04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010
05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010
06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010
07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010
08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010
09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010
10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010
11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011
12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012
01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012
07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012
08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012
09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012
10/01/2012 - 11/01/2012
11/01/2012 - 12/01/2012
01/01/2013 - 02/01/2013
04/01/2013 - 05/01/2013
06/01/2013 - 07/01/2013
07/01/2013 - 08/01/2013
08/01/2013 - 09/01/2013
09/01/2013 - 10/01/2013
10/01/2013 - 11/01/2013
11/01/2013 - 12/01/2013
12/01/2013 - 01/01/2014
01/01/2014 - 02/01/2014
02/01/2014 - 03/01/2014
03/01/2014 - 04/01/2014
04/01/2014 - 05/01/2014
05/01/2014 - 06/01/2014
06/01/2014 - 07/01/2014
07/01/2014 - 08/01/2014
08/01/2014 - 09/01/2014
10/01/2014 - 11/01/2014
11/01/2014 - 12/01/2014
12/01/2014 - 01/01/2015
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015
02/01/2015 - 03/01/2015
03/01/2015 - 04/01/2015
04/01/2015 - 05/01/2015
05/01/2015 - 06/01/2015
06/01/2015 - 07/01/2015
07/01/2015 - 08/01/2015
08/01/2015 - 09/01/2015
10/01/2015 - 11/01/2015
11/01/2015 - 12/01/2015
12/01/2015 - 01/01/2016
01/01/2016 - 02/01/2016
03/01/2016 - 04/01/2016
06/01/2016 - 07/01/2016
07/01/2016 - 08/01/2016
08/01/2016 - 09/01/2016
10/01/2016 - 11/01/2016
11/01/2016 - 12/01/2016
02/01/2017 - 03/01/2017
03/01/2017 - 04/01/2017
04/01/2017 - 05/01/2017
05/01/2017 - 06/01/2017
07/01/2017 - 08/01/2017
08/01/2017 - 09/01/2017
10/01/2017 - 11/01/2017
01/01/2018 - 02/01/2018
05/01/2018 - 06/01/2018
07/01/2018 - 08/01/2018
08/01/2018 - 09/01/2018
10/01/2018 - 11/01/2018
11/01/2018 - 12/01/2018
12/01/2018 - 01/01/2019
01/01/2019 - 02/01/2019
02/01/2019 - 03/01/2019
03/01/2019 - 04/01/2019
07/01/2019 - 08/01/2019
08/01/2019 - 09/01/2019
03/01/2020 - 04/01/2020
05/01/2020 - 06/01/2020
09/01/2020 - 10/01/2020
10/01/2020 - 11/01/2020
11/01/2020 - 12/01/2020
12/01/2020 - 01/01/2021
01/01/2021 - 02/01/2021
03/01/2021 - 04/01/2021
04/01/2021 - 05/01/2021
05/01/2021 - 06/01/2021
06/01/2021 - 07/01/2021
07/01/2021 - 08/01/2021
08/01/2021 - 09/01/2021
09/01/2021 - 10/01/2021
10/01/2021 - 11/01/2021
11/01/2021 - 12/01/2021
01/01/2022 - 02/01/2022
03/01/2022 - 04/01/2022
05/01/2022 - 06/01/2022
06/01/2022 - 07/01/2022
07/01/2022 - 08/01/2022
08/01/2022 - 09/01/2022
09/01/2022 - 10/01/2022
11/01/2022 - 12/01/2022
09/01/2023 - 10/01/2023
10/01/2023 - 11/01/2023
11/01/2023 - 12/01/2023
12/01/2023 - 01/01/2024
01/01/2024 - 02/01/2024
02/01/2024 - 03/01/2024
03/01/2024 - 04/01/2024