A Dedication to the Greatest Movie Ever:: Rad!
Excuse me ladies and gentlemen; may I have you attention please? Thank you. Thank you. I would like to expose you to the greatest movie ever made. It's a story of strength, perseverance, love, and of course bike dance offs. It's an epic cinematic experience only known as Rad!.
The story of Rad cannot be summed in only words. You have to really feel, see, and even smell the movie. You have to know what Uncle Becky's seat smells like. You have to feel Cru taking it to the limit while singing "Moving like lightening..."
A quintessential think piece for the mid 80's generation 'coke'. A real testament to the fine art that came out of postmodern meth addict 70's and delivered us into a time surrounded by halter tops, bangs the size of a squirrel sitting on your head, and bike's with little foot holders so you can dance on them.
The cast is second to none and the acting is unparalleled among any other 1986 gem movie. Including Top Gun, Karate Kid Part 2, and Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield. Rad truly compliments and shines just as bright amongst such illustrious star movies.
I digress though about my love for Rad. Allow me to give you a plot over view and story timeline.
Leading the cast is legendary actor
Bill "Billy the Kid" Allen. A loner rebel that loves his bike more than his soul and goes by the name Cru Jones.
The movie starts out as all-great movies do, a song montage ala Caddy Shack and the aforementioned Top Gun. Cru Jones and his buddies Alfie and Jack delivering papers and performing amazing spinning and peddling and going fast tricks as they zoom down hills and over trash trucks. There is a moment when you feel as though Cru is really racing towards his eternal flame. He's chasing his dream as he delivers papers.
At the time of Cru's bike tour you see the entry of Mr. Timmer played by
Ray Walston, of Mr. Hand fame in Fast Time at Ridgemont High.
"Aloha Mr. Hand. Aloha Spicoli". He knocks over Mr. Timmers beverage and proceeds to not apologize. He's such a rebellious lad. He arrives home after his paper route and a quick run from a motorcycle cop through the largest Lumber yard ever made.
He arrives home greeted by his mother played by the one time promising actress Talia Shire. Talia of course made her fame as being Adrian in the Rocky quintupuly. "You can't win Rocky!" Well apparently she was wrong all those times and also wrong with Cru. Her tough love of wanting Cru to study geometry and take the difficult and taxing SATs was reminiscent of meek diseased moth ball jacket wearing character of Adrian. If only uncle Pauly would have been there to "blast her teeth out" maybe Cru wouldn't have such an arduous rode ahead of him. If he could only somehow find a way to do BMX racing and take the SATs his life would be complete. But as we know, once you ride a bike for money or competition you are no longer eligible for the SATs.
You can't win Cru. He's gonna kill you!
Cru will defy her though and follow his dream. That afternoon a parade is thrown for the world's best BMX riders. They have come to the small town of Shirebrookwoodsureeve to descend on a track built not for mortals. A track that could only been ridden by the undead; HELLTRACK!
The track itself was built in hell. Actually it was built in space hell. It defies gravity and offers fresh coffee and other tasty treats from America's favorite chain food 24 hour a day service store; 7-11. As the parade comes through town Cru is in awe. And with this awe comes a chance meeting with the love of his life, Aunt Becky. And by Aunt Beck I of course mean the famous and lovely well known world renowned Lifetime channel actor known as
Lori Loughlin.
He also encounters his nemesis Bart Taylor, the greatest BMX rider ever. Bart is played by
Bart Conner, who oddly enough would not work in the 80's unless his first name was allow to be the same. It has been said he would not respond to any name other than Bart and thus was forced to always have his character named Bart. This limited his roles to western bad guys, bad boy friends, and dubious arrogant BMX riders. He also found himself on an episode of Different Strokes and Highway to Heaven. He was an accomplished actor who obviously gave Cru the right support.
"What you talkin about Bart?" This is where the movie uses it's God given power of transcending plot to throw us into a strange timespin. Apparently, all the BMX riders get invited to the local highschool dance and decide to do choreographed dances in the costumes that the Sleestack used to wear.
Despite the lapse of tangible reality that this scene lacks there is the saving grace of the movie. Aunt Beck and Cru decide to Bike Dance. I'll let the image speak for itself.
The rest of the movie is inconsequential compared to the bike dancing. Cru wins the race, gets the girl, kills his mom, has sex with Bart and finally rises from HELLTRACK in a Jesusesque hover move that takes him to the stars.
Post Rad lives faired poorly for most of the actors involved. Cru turned to porn wrestling:
and all other characters committed ritual suicide after realizing they could never again make such a stellar movie.
In closing I would like for all of you to sign the
RAD to DVD petition. Thank you and I hope you enjoyed.
