Gray Stables
Words that slide off of mouths covered in grease make no sense to me. I have seen and rolled in your same mud and I have kicked at the same dirt that has found your tears for so long. I can only fake what I know and I only know what is fake. Real kisses come with eyes open. When the sun comes down to find your mouth covered in oil you will feel my hand under your blouse. I'll be looking for your heart. I won't find anything. I never knew where to look anyway.
There was a moment after my tongue let go of the taste of neverland that I wanted to die. I wanted to just evaporate. I didn't want go on breathing air that didn't taste like that. I let go of the feeling inside of me and watched it drop into the ground. I found myself alone doubting and wondering what life would be like if I had just tried. I walked around in a haze of pain not knowing if it was real or if I was just fantasizing about what life should be. Life should be that. Life should be what we dream it already is.
I walked home from a place where I was welcomed and side glanced. I don't like to be looked at as though I'm going to explode. I don't like the fact that I can't hide my emotions. I can't fake being happy or well or not embarrassed. "Yes yes yes I broke a window. Yes I was drunk. Yes yes yes I know. Yes I ate something and no I don't want any blow." I can't walk around in the same cloud that everyone walks in. I walk home and I walk away because I can't stand to see the way some people look at me. It's like I can feel their eyes feeling sorry for me and I can see their hearts not caring enough to even find out why. As long as I stay happy and insane everything is ok, but as soon as my life erupts into a moment of stupidity I find myself chained to the pole in the backyard. I'm out there just shivering hoping someone will throw me a warm bone.
I wanted to see anything to make me stay. I saw everything that made me not like life. I saw anger and hesitation and all I wanted was a friend. All I wanted was a finger on my neck from a warm lover. There are sayings that slip out of my mouth that I'll never get back. There are moments of downward eyes and drooped shoulders that speak more volumes of love and hate than any fist or tit. I take hold of all that you drop and show it to you when you wonder why.
Hey Jezebel, where do you think you are running to? Why do you love your name so much and what's wrong with your shoes that you walk like no one can see you? You were born to be my window to the world. You are a tight rope in the wind that hangs the laundry of those living the life you want. You can scream "wait" until the sun comes circle 10 times. You can pound your fist on the door wanting me to come down. All I want is for you to find a way. Who's seen Jezebel? She's not to blame. Her name made her gone before I had a chance to say that she is the only shape I pray to. She was waving on that wire. She was last seen chasing the scarf of a lover that she wanted. She was last seen chasing the sun. I hope when she catches it that she burns it.
