I Kan't Spell

 
Random Comment People

Random comment people freak me the fuck out. My friends and I have personal blogs that were honestly written for each other so that we can keep up to date on each other's lives. From that came our other friends who don't write. They would come ina nd drop a line saying something was funny or they would in town. Then there is the rare friend of a friend reader. But, what freaks me out is when someone that I don't know, comes on to give me some sort of fucked personal advice based on his or her own crazy life.

I can see someone coming to a site once via a link or google search and reading about what they find. I can almost see someone leaving a relevant comment if you run an information blog that supplies perspective on a certain topic. But, this site is just my own loud breathing and I don't need your advice on my Mom's visit to town.

Their comments are always along the lines of:

I went through the same thing 7 years ago when my second wife left me and gave me genital warts. She took my life but I came out stronger and knew that there were Angels around me watching over me. I feel your pain and can only say that it will pass when you find that perfect light. Stay strong.

Monkeyman69xoxox

Then there is the quirky local town girl that definitely speaks with a twang and writes the same way she speaks:

OMG girl you have no idea. I was with a man once that was so damn bad for me. I left his ass and now I'm so much happier with my life and my 3 illegitimate children.

Childofthenight74

This is who I want advice from. I'm so glad you found my blog and decided to butt in on my life. Your advice is going to be heeded with the utmost reverence and I can't wait to maybe one day even meet you.

There is also this guy who is so fucking alone that he begs people he doesn't know to keep writing about personal drivel:

Hey Buddy you haven't written in a while. We are all concerned out here in the blogosphere. COME BACK TO US!!!! ECHO ECHO ECHO
SadAndBlue666

These are the same lowlifes in the bar that ask
you "Where have you been?" When in actuality they are just saying "I'm so goddamn lonely...please kill me."

Now I know that by putting out personal stories about myself on the Internet I will attract some random people and by printing what you print you have no more right to attack their comments than an Author of a book has to attack how a reader relates to his work. I guess the difference is that well - I find it fucking creepy when someone decided to give me personal advice that teeters on them having a nervous break down. I would never write Stephen King and tell him he needs to see a psychiatrist. As a matter of fact I would never write him to give him adivce or share an equally bizarre personal story because that's fucking creepy.

Do I really want involvement from people on the Internet that I don't know? I guess I would have to say "no". I could never really see myself sitting down and thinking "You know TwistedRock71 is really insightful and I think that I will join Oprah's Book of the Month Club for needed support." I'll never take your advice. The best case scenario is that I won't make fun of you.

The worst part of the relationship is the cycle. You then feel obligated to go to their blog and read about their boring shit life collecting model planes or fighting ADD while fishing for cod in Alaska. You feel like you should go take an interest in their subpar Junior College writing while trying to sound like you care and leaving footprints all over their website assuring them that you visited and will read in the future.

Now there are people out there that seem to think that random blog comment people are awesome. Well good for you. You guys can sit around talking about how to fix your lives and fill your days with empty cliche's revolving around "staying strong", "moving on", and "being a good person". I personally get more depth from Bazooka Joe bubble gum then from some random fucking tool box that I have never met. So just in case you do want to put together your club - I'll let you know who you guys are looking for in your faceless community or Anne Landers crap advice.

The comment people row:

College Girl


College girl listens to all the latest Indie Pop and falls in love with a different guy every week. She'll have two posts in one day. The first will be how much she loves him and the second will be how he broke her heart by not getting her a straw for her milk. She usually say's inane bullshit like "I heart you and feel your pain." accompanied by some youthful exuberance like "Remember you are too young not to have fun. GO CRAZY GRRRRLLL"

Just out of College Girl


Just out of College Girl has put on some lbs. as of late and is really upset that her college boyfriend left her after she couldn't find a job or get on her own two feet after school was over. She's so very bitter about life and feels the need to pass on her vast life knowledge to others in the form of "I just read the new (insert dumb book here) and they said that we should be adjusting to our surroundings with nurturing people. I know you feel down right now but it will pass. Please read my 783 posts about being sad and lonely."

Angry Yet Sensitive Home From the Army Guy


This is the scary guy of the crew. He's so very confused form his lack of higher education and growing up in a rural community. He's been hurt by at least one long lost love because he just wasnt smart enough or successful enough to hold onto her. His advice is usually along the lines of "Oh that sucks. That happened to me with my ex-girl once. She fuckin wouldn't stop being a bitch all the time. I hate that." How enlightening.

30-50 something guy


30-50 something guy is the most dynamic of the crew. 30-50 something guy is more than likely successful but has been recently divorced or left by himself. He's more than likely bald, fat, or has some weird social disease that him and his therapist are working out on a bi-daily basis. He's more than likely looking for some ass or at least some cheesy bra and panty pics of the writer after he gains her "trust". He usually comments with some obscure passage from a book or a self-made poem. "You are so beautiful on both the inside and outside. Your strength and virtue shine so bright that they illuminate my life via your words. I have never read a truer soul and wish you nothing but strength." YOU'VE NEVER MET ME! What the fuck are you talking about? Did my post on being upset over my dog dying really deserve that kind of comment? Get the fuck out of her you phoney SoB.

Divorced early 30's Girl


Divorced early 30's girl has recently had someone tell her that she is a great writer. She feeds off of other people's comments so she goes out of her way to go to their sites 50 times a day while being a receptionist at work and typing inane comments like, "Loved the post today. Keep up the good work." and then like a little tag line that leads you back to her site so you can see how lovely she uses double negatives and monosyllabic phrases centered crappy analogies. "I really hope my little Roger recovers from this flu so I can start writing more about the way we are all getting stronger...". This brings you to their site where you feel obliged to care about Roger or her stupid fetish with m&m's or her new semi-abusive, but at least has a job, boyfriend.

Sad guy


Sad guy needs you to read his writing because sad guy is, well, fuckin sad. He spends all day lamenting over his lost life, girl, money and semi-addictive Nyquil habit. He really cares when you are sick or when you had a bad day. "Feel better. Hopefully i will too..." Oh shut the fuck up!

Anyway - - fuck it - - I'm not apologizing - - that's all true.
Link posted by JVMM : 12:55 PM