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I Kan't Spell

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Many Faces of a Hippy Concert

~~Cell phone Guy~~

You've seen Cell Phone Guy at almost every show. It's not just at hippy shows. He is the guy holding his cell phone up in the air during a song that both him and the guy on the other line have deemed as a bridge in their relationship.

"Dude I can't believe you are missing this. They are fucking playing CLOCKS!!. TOLD YOU YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID FUCK THAT CALC EXAM! Fuckin WOOOOOO!!!" He then extends the phone as far as he can towards the stage in hopes that the person on the other end is simply rocking out in their dorm or in class to the show that they couldn't attend.

If you are on the receiving end of the Cell Phone Guy's call you make that face as if someone just threw hot cow urine on you. All you hear is "OOD I c- Eevv u MISSING is. FUckin 2 ous. Old Do Done the Talcom Powder" followed by some sort of music that you can't make out. All you do is hang up the phone when you are done and say "Who the fuck was that?"

Cell Phone Guy also sends you delicious photos like this:

~~Old Creepy Balloon Guy~~

Old Creepy Balloon Guy shows up at the festival with props. He has been to 233 Dead shows and is deliberate on spreading his magic happy balloons to all the fans at the show. He explains the balloons to anyone that will listen as prayers for world peace or as saving the lost souls of those who died in Hurricane Katrina. He tends to stands in the back or to the side and pass out his props whether they be balloons or nerf guns or streamers or fucking homemade granola bars. He only seems to dance to one song that he knew a long time ago and the rest of the day he just spends watching people enjoy his props.

"Be free my baby balloons. Bring world peace. And if you see my libido, spine, brain, or lungs out there - - tell them to come home to Papa Smurf."

~~Set List Guy~~

Oh Set List Guy is the enthusiastic catalyst that drives the show. He's front row and he's using the amps as his clipboard. He carries with him a small piece of paper and a pen to write down each song, AS each song is played. He comes dressed in an off-color similar band shirt and is most likely wearing some sort of hat or weird pair of pants.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDE. NO FUCKING you hear that? DO YOU HEAR THAT? I heard that Captain America lead all the way back while they were still on the 37th minute of Meat."

~~Too Cool for School Guy~~

Too Cool for School Guy has been to 47 shows. He has seen it and done it all and is now a successful business man who doesn't see the need for it all but insists on going to Phish shows to explain to everyone else how IT SHOULD BE DONE.

"No no no - back in the day we used to put the nitrous up our ass and smoke hash out of an old Indian skull. Kids today don't know shit."

~~Serious Show Guy~~

Serious Show Guy is usually about 35 and started in the 80's with his brother Chet and cousin Tiki huffing nitrous at the age of 14 and sucking down PBR's. He's more than likely a mortgage adjuster or insurance salesman that has weird run down diuretic teeth and has totally had a substance abuse problem for many years. And I see you asking "Hey Bret, how are we supposed to tell who this guy, and why is he called 'Serious Guy'?" Well, you can spot him because as soon as the show starts his hat hiding his receding hairline is now turned backwards and his hands and head have become human air drummers. He is just rocking all to himself with no friends, and nothing around him other than the dripping glory that is the String Cheese Incident.

The only time you hear him speak is between sets, "Fuck man I need a beer to replenish. Fucking great set...great set man."

I know they don't look like it but any concert goer will tell you that these guys will fucking rock out way too hard to the music.

~~Too Many Drugs Guy~~

Obviously this guy is the easiest one to find. He comes in usually with huge dreads or a pulled down truckers hat and eyes that look as if he has been doing a head stand on two shot glasses resting on his sockets. He walks around slapping everyone on the shoulder and sying "buddy" way way way way way too much. Even more way too much than I just typed "way". He starts out the show strong with smiles and glee but then when the second set hits he is often found sans shorts and pants with tighty whities on and his arms stretched into the air like some sort of psycho captain caveman getting a 200 yard hand job from the band. His body flails around like a seizure victim on an operating table as the 49th minute of Sugar Magnolias kicks in to high gear.

~~Drunk Girlfriend Guy~~

Drunk Girlfriend Guy is my most kindred of brother. Although I have never been to a show with a drunk girlfriend I have seen it and for some reason my heart, my soul, and my eyes even, cry for this man. Drunk Girlfriend Guy 6 months ago saved up his allowance or from his job at circuit city to come to the Widespread Panic show. He has been looking forward to taking his hippy girlfriend "Lilly" (aren't they all named Lilly or Sarah?) to the show forever. The morning of the show Lil' (as he likes to call her) decides she'll eat mushrooms and drink a 1/5 of southern Comfort to really BONE up for the show. Things are going great until they hit the parking lot/ land of hippy goods. While returning from procuring his vegetarian Gyro from the van a few cars down he finds Lil' in a ball shaking. She insists she is ok to go in as if she were in the movie "Contact" with Jodie Foster "Ok to go. I am OK TO GO". So my man Barry picks her up by her arms and slings it over his shoulder. He washes her faces with water and he moves her around but Lil' is not very responsive. He drags this 120 pound bag of crap to the gates and after getting in is forced to stand there and despise every second of the show as Crazy lil' (Who didn't see that coming?) demands water, and to sit down, and to leave, and that she doesn't feel well for an hour. The saddest moment is when the band plays "their song" and Barry tries to cheer her up, "Baby BABY its our song." And as if by some hand of God laughing she throws up right there. As she sobers up, Lil' or any drunk girl will most likely throw a fit because she is embarrassed and wants to leave. Poor Barry blew 200 bucks of his hard earned money to go to a concert, get yelled at, and hate life. Sorry Barry - my heart goes out to you.

Lil on her own

~~Ms Mother Nature Guy~~

Ms Mother Nature is usually found in a large hat, corduroy pants with top of her ass crack hanging out, arm pit hair optional, and is walking around like the Queen of fucking Sheba surveying her fiefdom on the lawn at Merriweather. She has a large oversized bag filled with apples and oranges and home grown hydroponic pot that only "SHE" can handle because she smokes for religious and spiritual reasons. She hung out to Liz Phair on the way over and plans on moving to a commune in New Mexico with other supporters of the "Right to Life and Living for Freedom" coalition.

~~Couple With Baby Guys~~

Leaving the scene two years ago becuase of marriage, Margey and Steve went on to finally buy a Winnebago and go on short summer tours with Phish so as not to feel as though they have "sold out". But somehow, when Steve reports to the office Monday morning or changes the diapers he doesn't feel the freedom of peeing himself while high on hallucinogenic singing every lyric to Tweezer. So now they walk around shows and make everyone else feel guilty whilst parading their child around like some sort of sociological puppet that can handle weed smoke and the possible slip n' fall "Oh my god im sorry - is he ok?" moment.

Lot Guy

Lot Guy is there for the show but not the show. He has been to 879 shows and on tour since 1992. He has his entire life in his van and would rather listen to the show from the parking lot then from inside. You will see him selling falafels and giving people rides to the next show if they chip in for gas. He can be a little creepy but for the most part he is a lovely young/old/dying/fucked up man.

Republicans invented deoderant.

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