Bretholmes.com - Bret Holmes Baltimore Md

    Investment News   |    DON'T   |    WORK   |    STOP   |    CRYING!   |    GUESTBOOK   |

I Kan't Spell



Thursday, February 23, 2006

 
The Many Faces of a Hippy Concert

~~Cell phone Guy~~

You've seen Cell Phone Guy at almost every show. It's not just at hippy shows. He is the guy holding his cell phone up in the air during a song that both him and the guy on the other line have deemed as a bridge in their relationship.

"Dude I can't believe you are missing this. They are fucking playing CLOCKS!!. TOLD YOU YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID FUCK THAT CALC EXAM! Fuckin WOOOOOO!!!" He then extends the phone as far as he can towards the stage in hopes that the person on the other end is simply rocking out in their dorm or in class to the show that they couldn't attend.



If you are on the receiving end of the Cell Phone Guy's call you make that face as if someone just threw hot cow urine on you. All you hear is "OOD I c- Eevv u MISSING is. FUckin 2 ous. Old Do Done the Talcom Powder" followed by some sort of music that you can't make out. All you do is hang up the phone when you are done and say "Who the fuck was that?"

Cell Phone Guy also sends you delicious photos like this:


~~Old Creepy Balloon Guy~~

Old Creepy Balloon Guy shows up at the festival with props. He has been to 233 Dead shows and is deliberate on spreading his magic happy balloons to all the fans at the show. He explains the balloons to anyone that will listen as prayers for world peace or as saving the lost souls of those who died in Hurricane Katrina. He tends to stands in the back or to the side and pass out his props whether they be balloons or nerf guns or streamers or fucking homemade granola bars. He only seems to dance to one song that he knew a long time ago and the rest of the day he just spends watching people enjoy his props.

"Be free my baby balloons. Bring world peace. And if you see my libido, spine, brain, or lungs out there - - tell them to come home to Papa Smurf."


~~Set List Guy~~

Oh Set List Guy is the enthusiastic catalyst that drives the show. He's front row and he's using the amps as his clipboard. He carries with him a small piece of paper and a pen to write down each song, AS each song is played. He comes dressed in an off-color similar band shirt and is most likely wearing some sort of hat or weird pair of pants.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDE. NO FUCKING WAY..do you hear that? DO YOU HEAR THAT? I heard that Captain America lead all the way back while they were still on the 37th minute of Meat."


~~Too Cool for School Guy~~

Too Cool for School Guy has been to 47 shows. He has seen it and done it all and is now a successful business man who doesn't see the need for it all but insists on going to Phish shows to explain to everyone else how IT SHOULD BE DONE.

"No no no - back in the day we used to put the nitrous up our ass and smoke hash out of an old Indian skull. Kids today don't know shit."




~~Serious Show Guy~~

Serious Show Guy is usually about 35 and started in the 80's with his brother Chet and cousin Tiki huffing nitrous at the age of 14 and sucking down PBR's. He's more than likely a mortgage adjuster or insurance salesman that has weird run down diuretic teeth and has totally had a substance abuse problem for many years. And I see you asking "Hey Bret, how are we supposed to tell who this guy, and why is he called 'Serious Guy'?" Well, you can spot him because as soon as the show starts his hat hiding his receding hairline is now turned backwards and his hands and head have become human air drummers. He is just rocking all to himself with no friends, and nothing around him other than the dripping glory that is the String Cheese Incident.

The only time you hear him speak is between sets, "Fuck man I need a beer to replenish. Fucking great set...great set man."


I know they don't look like it but any concert goer will tell you that these guys will fucking rock out way too hard to the music.


~~Too Many Drugs Guy~~

Obviously this guy is the easiest one to find. He comes in usually with huge dreads or a pulled down truckers hat and eyes that look as if he has been doing a head stand on two shot glasses resting on his sockets. He walks around slapping everyone on the shoulder and sying "buddy" way way way way way too much. Even more way too much than I just typed "way". He starts out the show strong with smiles and glee but then when the second set hits he is often found sans shorts and pants with tighty whities on and his arms stretched into the air like some sort of psycho captain caveman getting a 200 yard hand job from the band. His body flails around like a seizure victim on an operating table as the 49th minute of Sugar Magnolias kicks in to high gear.




~~Drunk Girlfriend Guy~~

Drunk Girlfriend Guy is my most kindred of brother. Although I have never been to a show with a drunk girlfriend I have seen it and for some reason my heart, my soul, and my eyes even, cry for this man. Drunk Girlfriend Guy 6 months ago saved up his allowance or from his job at circuit city to come to the Widespread Panic show. He has been looking forward to taking his hippy girlfriend "Lilly" (aren't they all named Lilly or Sarah?) to the show forever. The morning of the show Lil' (as he likes to call her) decides she'll eat mushrooms and drink a 1/5 of southern Comfort to really BONE up for the show. Things are going great until they hit the parking lot/ land of hippy goods. While returning from procuring his vegetarian Gyro from the van a few cars down he finds Lil' in a ball shaking. She insists she is ok to go in as if she were in the movie "Contact" with Jodie Foster "Ok to go. I am OK TO GO". So my man Barry picks her up by her arms and slings it over his shoulder. He washes her faces with water and he moves her around but Lil' is not very responsive. He drags this 120 pound bag of crap to the gates and after getting in is forced to stand there and despise every second of the show as Crazy lil' (Who didn't see that coming?) demands water, and to sit down, and to leave, and that she doesn't feel well for an hour. The saddest moment is when the band plays "their song" and Barry tries to cheer her up, "Baby BABY its our song." And as if by some hand of God laughing she throws up right there. As she sobers up, Lil' or any drunk girl will most likely throw a fit because she is embarrassed and wants to leave. Poor Barry blew 200 bucks of his hard earned money to go to a concert, get yelled at, and hate life. Sorry Barry - my heart goes out to you.


Lil on her own


~~Ms Mother Nature Guy~~

Ms Mother Nature is usually found in a large hat, corduroy pants with top of her ass crack hanging out, arm pit hair optional, and is walking around like the Queen of fucking Sheba surveying her fiefdom on the lawn at Merriweather. She has a large oversized bag filled with apples and oranges and home grown hydroponic pot that only "SHE" can handle because she smokes for religious and spiritual reasons. She hung out to Liz Phair on the way over and plans on moving to a commune in New Mexico with other supporters of the "Right to Life and Living for Freedom" coalition.



~~Couple With Baby Guys~~

Leaving the scene two years ago becuase of marriage, Margey and Steve went on to finally buy a Winnebago and go on short summer tours with Phish so as not to feel as though they have "sold out". But somehow, when Steve reports to the office Monday morning or changes the diapers he doesn't feel the freedom of peeing himself while high on hallucinogenic singing every lyric to Tweezer. So now they walk around shows and make everyone else feel guilty whilst parading their child around like some sort of sociological puppet that can handle weed smoke and the possible slip n' fall "Oh my god im sorry - is he ok?" moment.



Lot Guy


Lot Guy is there for the show but not the show. He has been to 879 shows and on tour since 1992. He has his entire life in his van and would rather listen to the show from the parking lot then from inside. You will see him selling falafels and giving people rides to the next show if they chip in for gas. He can be a little creepy but for the most part he is a lovely young/old/dying/fucked up man.


Republicans invented deoderant.

Comments: Post a Comment



Favorites List
Pandora Song List
Amazon Wish List
Reading
Revolutionary Wealth - Tofflers
Brian Jones

Things Making Me Smile
The City
Newness
Listening - [out of 5]
Benjy Ferree - 4.8
The Thermals 3.1
David Gray 3.8

Quote(S)
Like the guy with the beard? YES - like the guy with the beers. What? Yep

Bands That I Check Schedules For
Badly Drawn Boy
Belle and Sebastian
Benjy Ferree
The Black Keys
Deerhoof
Drive By Truckers
The Eels
Enon
Kimya Dawson
Mark Hopkins Band
Oasis
Iron and Wine
Mates of State
Ted Leo
Travis
Two if By Sea
Ween

Places I Rock in the Flesh
9:30 Club
Black Cat
Electric Factory
Fletcher's
8x10
The Knitting Factory
The Otto Bar
Recher Theatre
Sonar

Places I Eat/Drink in the Flesh
Aldo's
Bishop's Collar
Boccacio's
Cross Street Market
Hull Street
Joun Gak
Mick O'Shea's
No Way Jose
Porter's
The Irish Pub
Turner's
The Waterfront Hotel

My Greatest Hits (that's so lame)

The time I almost killed a child
July 4th in Korea
Excerpts from Demian
Why I screen phone calls
Bret's Death Metal Report
A conversation at a cocktail party
A conversation at breakfast
So you think you are a Baltimorian
A conversation about a girl singer
Observations from a bar
Observations of strippers
Tech Language
Why I love Oasis
I would go to war
"You Son of a Bitch" An Open Letter to Tom Friend
Dance to Your Ocean
Dream Ranch
When men become pussies
Jason Whitlock is a racist propaganda promoter
Pitchfork takes music snobbery to new level
The Cosmic Clash of the Red Sox and Cubs
The Hatred that is Runts Candy
Starting corporate line-up
Google Bio
Do you know me? List 1 / List 2 / List 3
The Night I Burned Philly Down
So You Want to be a Booze Hound
She Said it was Free
Funniest Corporate Story Ever
Striped Shirts and the Fucks that Wear Them
Death Peddle
NEW!!!
Pieces of Morning
Oasis Album Revew
The Art of Tipping
Starting Fires With Grass Stains
Bret's Federal Hill Food Review
Sexcapades and your Picture on the Internet
Stupid Secrets
Stupid Secrets the Return


Contact Me

Stuff I Swing By From Time to Time

- MUSIC
Donewaiting.com
hive3.com
Indie Video Archive
Large Hearted Boy
Important Records
Oasis News
Pitch Fork Media
Reptilian Records
Scenestars MP3 Blogs
Sound Garden Baltimore

- BUY
Aloud.com
Pre-Shrunk
Shotgun Apparel
Warrior Clothing

- HUMOR
Angry Little Girls
Atom Films
Eye Envision
Homestar Runner
Kill Frog
Junior Varsity Meat Market

- PERSONAL
Baltimore City Paper
The Baltimore Sun
Calvert Hall
Degroen's Brewers
ESL Cafe
Fantasy Sports
Korean Herald
Villa Julie College Baseball
W3 Schools



Archives
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009
01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009
02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009
03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009
04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009
06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010
02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010
03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010
04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010
05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010
06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010
07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010
08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010
09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010
10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010
11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011
12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012
01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012
07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012
08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012
09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012
10/01/2012 - 11/01/2012
11/01/2012 - 12/01/2012
01/01/2013 - 02/01/2013
04/01/2013 - 05/01/2013
06/01/2013 - 07/01/2013
07/01/2013 - 08/01/2013
08/01/2013 - 09/01/2013
09/01/2013 - 10/01/2013
10/01/2013 - 11/01/2013
11/01/2013 - 12/01/2013
12/01/2013 - 01/01/2014
01/01/2014 - 02/01/2014
02/01/2014 - 03/01/2014
03/01/2014 - 04/01/2014
04/01/2014 - 05/01/2014
05/01/2014 - 06/01/2014
06/01/2014 - 07/01/2014
07/01/2014 - 08/01/2014
08/01/2014 - 09/01/2014
10/01/2014 - 11/01/2014
11/01/2014 - 12/01/2014
12/01/2014 - 01/01/2015
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015
02/01/2015 - 03/01/2015
03/01/2015 - 04/01/2015
04/01/2015 - 05/01/2015
05/01/2015 - 06/01/2015
06/01/2015 - 07/01/2015
07/01/2015 - 08/01/2015
08/01/2015 - 09/01/2015
10/01/2015 - 11/01/2015
11/01/2015 - 12/01/2015
12/01/2015 - 01/01/2016
01/01/2016 - 02/01/2016
03/01/2016 - 04/01/2016
06/01/2016 - 07/01/2016
07/01/2016 - 08/01/2016
08/01/2016 - 09/01/2016
10/01/2016 - 11/01/2016
11/01/2016 - 12/01/2016
02/01/2017 - 03/01/2017
03/01/2017 - 04/01/2017
04/01/2017 - 05/01/2017
05/01/2017 - 06/01/2017
07/01/2017 - 08/01/2017
08/01/2017 - 09/01/2017
10/01/2017 - 11/01/2017