Dear Santa Claus,
Nobody on our team hits 30 home runs. I would like to have fat Carlos Lee on the team and I would like for him to hit home runs. I think this would be a real help for us in left field and in the middle of our lineup. Also, some Legos. But mostly fat Carlos Lee.
I would also like for Peter Angelos to sell the team. I wanted to say "I want Peter Angelos to die in a flaming truck wreck." But, you are Santa. I can't say that shit. So please let him sell the team to the likes of Chip Mason and any evil Bond character for all I care, even Dr. No.
I would also like to have a 1st baseman. While I love Kevin Millar I can't take another year of "Cowboy Up" 800 OPS man showing me that he can't really do splits and that his hair is -wait for it- actually dyed a little bit orange. Also, I want to tell you that I'm not happy with you giving the Cubs their present early, in the form of Alfonso Soriano. But I do appreciate the hilarity of him hitting leadoff - AGAIN! -
If none of these wishes are possible, please give Hayden Penn and Adam Lowen another 8 MPH on their fastballs and give the fountain of youth to Melvin Mora and let Tejada be able to field again.
Please see what you can do Santa because if I have to endure another year of sub .500 baseball I'm going to rip my face off and erect a statue of you in my yard and worship you as the Anti-Christ and scare all the children of the world. And if I do that your fat fuckin ass won't get cookies. So don't fuck with me Santa. Give my baseball team a chance.
I love you.
I would also like some more GI Joes.