Jas - (my last post on this blog for a while)
No matter whatever happens, I'll always love her more than anything I have ever known. Even if it never works and I have to watch her happiness somewhere else. My love for her won't fade. That face will not shine any less bright with time in my memory and my hands, though failed and blind, will always search for hers.
I am very sorry that I lied, that I cheated, that I was just an undeserving person to receive your love. I'm so very regretful that I was weak in the face of all that was given me. I was given trust, love, faith, and the hope of a very wonderful woman. I took that for granted. I lost what I know God meant to give me. And for all the people reading this that think you knew who "we" were together. For all the people that talked down about my girl and about "us". Fuck you! Fuck you in the ear. Because you won't ever take her place or fill that hole that is there. You never tried to fill it with friendship and you certainly couldn't fill it with her love. You don't know shit. You have no realization of the most amazing moment you can share with someone as we have. I can guarantee it. You may also have not known the fighting and the pain but I wouldn't trade anything we went through for anything anyone else has ever had.
I was given a gift on a September evening a long time ago. I was given my double. I was given my reason for being a man. I was a boy to that gift. And as a child loses a toy down the drain, as was the way I treated my gift. I took it for granted. I lost.
I have no idea what to say about my life or what I'm writing right now. I honestly don't think any of my friends give a fuck about anything but their own lives. I really don't have anyone. I honestly have lost my faith. I have lost the one thing I know I loved. And "lost" is being kind to me, I threw away my love. I threw away myself and I am no longer able to put humpty back together anymore. I am so very lost without the thought of my life with her. I am so very lost anyway.
I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't have many reasons any more.
Goodbye monkey. I love you. I always have. I always will.
"And they all made fun of him yelling "Where's Josephine?"
"And his only call was for Josephine"
