Requiem For a Love
To hurt someone you love may be the greatest sin known to man. When eyes that once trusted you look onto you with weary guile and a side glance of mistrust you start to wonder what kind of person you really are. You become jealous and wantonly furios about thing that have nothing to do with you anymore. You scream about phone calls that you think were made and internet messages about some place they might have been. Your mind races into fields of other men holding her and you find yourself creeping around in a life that is no longer yours.
The most sobering experience you will ever have is knowing that you caused your own pain. When you lie, cheat, steal, or hurt anyone that loves you and you do it with deceit and without thought of consequence you deserve every piece of pain that comes your way.
You deserve to watch her get married in the arms of another man. You deserve to watch her swing her head back the way she does and kick up her heal and flaunt her happiness in front of you. You deserve to be treated like the bastard that you were. And again, the word ‘sobering’ always comes to mind, when I think about this. There is no colder shower than knowing that you can't win someone's love back. It's not as easy making them a promise anymore, because they just don't believe you. It's not as easy saying I'm sorry, because those words carry no weight.
However, for my own personal reasons I have to say that I am truly sorry to Jas for being a bastard. I am truly sorry for doing things that she asked me not to do and thing that you inherently know you shouldn't do. This isn't an apology I guess as much as a confession to myself and anyone else. While Jas may have been moody, mean, a little nuts, unjustly angry sometimes, she always loved in her way at the end of the day. No one got to see the way she would lay her head on your chest or brush her teeth. You didn’t hear her ask you to pop her toes or rub her back. And the greatest thing of all is that you didn’t get to make her laugh. Her way of love was the best way I had ever known. It wasn't cheap. It wasn't tawdry. It was earned and you felt as though you earned that love through all the broken possession and the curse words. You looked at all the pain that you had been through and you saw the most beautiful face God ever made and the way it looked at you and you knew that those things that seemed so awful or painful didn't matter. You were in love.
Sadly though, the bastard doesn't get to fall out of love and thus love is his purgatory.
It is finally clear to me after a few months of trying to make things right or be a better person for her that it can never happen. You can't buy or earn trust back like the way it was in the past. Despite what the movies may say or what books you have read, once you hurt someone and betray them, you aren't allowed back into the same chambers of the heart.
I'm not asking for any pity because I certainly don't deserve it. I'm just writing this because I need to be reminded, for next time, if there is one, that you don't get many heart stopping unbelievable loves in your life. You don't get someone that you would die for, knocking on your door every day. You get few chances if any to make the great things in your life the greatest thing, and while life is a learning experience you need to always remember the mistakes of the past; else be doomed to repeat them.
So it is with a sad, heavy, and tired heart that today it is my calling to just sort of butt out. It's hurting her that I call her to tell her “I love you” one minute and that “I hate you” the next. It hurts us both. It's time to just let life go on without the notion of her and I as 'us'. So this is my final text message, email, chat, phone call, and it's my way of saying that it was my fault. That I was to blame and that it's about time that I grow up. I don't know what will happen because deep down I know how much I love her but like I said, I deserve my sentence for my crimes. A bastard like me doesn't get nor deserve a second chance.
