Heartbroken
Well I guess for a while I've been looking for closure from her. I always knew that she loved other's and moved in her way these days but in actuality, deep down inside, I still hoped and prayed every day that I was loved and that I would one day get her back and be loved again. But...I think...we all knew that wasn't going to happen.
So - for the past few weeks I've been looking for the magical word "closure". It's the moment when you know everything is over. Her closure may have been when I finally admitted that I had slept with someone else when we were first seeing each other and had gotten into a huge fight the night before. It may have been when I walked into the house fucked up and just said "I don't care anymore." I don't know when hers was - but I know she doesn't feel about me the way that I feel about her - so I do know that she had it. I know she has moved on. I know she lives her life without a thought of me in her head - and for that I also know she isn't heartbroken. She's just...over me.
My moment of closure came today. And while I won't go into specifics really - let's just say I threw a set of keys into the harbor with a kiss and dropped off the last of her things...and in actuality there was nothing in the bag i dropped off...it was just a reason to keep her in my life...that bag under my desk was my way of keeping her around.
"I'm coming to drop off your shit. Where should I bring it?" I had said that so many times and they were all a bluff - I never wanted that bag and her set of keys in the state they are now. I always wanted a reason...or a hope to keep them around. She opened the door today and she looked amazing as always...even if she'll say "I look like shit." Trust me...she never does. She called me crazy and weird and she was right. I have become crazy and weird thinking about all that I found out to be true today. All that sort of came to an end when she told me to keep my voice down and then she looked behind her to make sure no one was coming down the stairs. I said goodbye to the puppy I loved asked to kiss her on the forehead and then - I left. And this time...all of me left.
So now I'm sitting here more in a shock/awe mode than anything. My heart was in my socks the entire walk back to work. I stopped and bought a cd of the new Travis album so that I could listen to it before I (we) went to the concert. And then I remembered that a week I bought her a ticket so we could enjoy as many last things as possible before the moment of closure came. I was going to try to cram in one last day on the lawn in DC, at dinner, in the car singing Johnny and June. I was going to try to cram in one last great day with her. I was going to try to do it as many times as possible before she finally said "that's enough". Because she is what makes m heart beat and you can't really deny what you love. It looks like I never got to the point of her knowing how important just seeing her was. It looks like I never will.
She called and said "I can't stand to see you look like that." I dont think she ever will again. But honestly all she had to do - because I'm such a sucker for her and love her so much would be to reach out her hand and tell me it's all going to be ok. She didn't though. She decided to slam the door in my face. For her sake - I hope she doesn't ever worry about me. For as much good as I have tried to do for her and as much as I have tried to be there for her - the bottom line is - I failed her. And I don't deserve one moment of her remorse or guilt.
She talked to me moments after and explained that she shouldn't feel guilty and that I shouldn't make her feel that way...and she's right. She doesn't necessarily lie to me she's just living her life. And now...it's time for me to live mine. The moment of closure...while bittersweet and painful for all it is - can be rather liberating as well. I just hope the bay doesn't barge into my house with those keys.
So - I guess... for the last time on here I'll be writing one of these. And I just wanted to say that I love her. I still love her and always will. I love you all for how much you've tried to support me and guide me and now it's time for me to go love myself again.
