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I Kan't Spell



Tuesday, July 10, 2007

 
Something I do Want to Get Straight Though

Reading back through every post she's ever written there is only one constant; another man. I am not a constant. I am a blip for the most part in between tear jerked posts over someone I don't even know. Some people may think we never got along because of things that I did, but I can say with honest certainty that I never, ever, not once, not even close, felt like I was first. This just lead me to never believe anything that she said. I used to want to believe her. But her "I love you's" never came and her desire to do anything nice for me was never ever there. I mean never. I felt like a place holder. And I still really think I was. I never felt that way with Mirel. I felt genuine love from her. She used to hold me and tell me I was great and that we would always get through anything. She used to look at me when I wasn't looking at her. She would send me poetry in the mail and search for my hand when we walked.

J is the only person I have ever loved where I never felt the same love back. And I think that became very unhealthy and painful. And up until today I used to sit around and wonder why? But - even if she never knew what I did - she still hated me. She still loved another man every day and I could feel it. I could feel it all the time. And if she actually says that that was imaginary than that is just one more lie in a long string of them.

More than likely she won't say anything...or if she does it will be something spiteful. It will be something along the lines of "You are fucking right. He is amazing and I love him way more than I ever loved you." Because that's what she has always thought I deserved. She thinks I deserve to feel bad forever and the saddest part is that I would never say anything like that to her...and over the past few months I have tried to be as loving and patient as I can just to show her that it was a mistake and that we can be fixed...but I just don't think that is true at all. For while my injustice may have hurt I can still honestly say without any hesitation ever that I will love her at the drop of a hat at any time and anywhere. I will do anything and everything I can for her. Even in the past few months that we were not together I made sacrifices like letting her and a friend stay at my house and helping her out any way I can and having friends walk her home from work just so I know she'll be safe...I would still do anything for her...and to that I know right now she is nodding her head...she couldn't deny me that fact. But what I also know is that I am not loved...and I am not first. And that - well shit - that can't be fixed ever.

I always felt like I was runner up in the "who gets Jas' heart contest". And if now they are back together only to do whatever they do all again, that is more than likely where it should be - because given my current race of clarity - I can honestly see now that all my efforts were made in vain. I was trying to keep a river running into a bathtub forever - when it all it wanted to do was go back to the ocean...if the ocean would have it. Well apparently the ocean came back - and the river has met it once again.

Cheers. All my sincerest best. I love you.

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