Roll Over Home
I hate it when she gets mad. I have never been a fan of the roll over routine or the word "fine". As a matter of fact, given my grandiose sense of insecurities followed by the inane desire to talk I find that "Fine" and the rollover may be the ultimate oil and water to who I am. And I don't blame her for it most of the time.
Some people go through a lot of things. I think right now she goes through them as if it is her fault.
The absolute kindness that exudes from some people cannot be measured. She wouldn't let me spend my birthday alone and even bought me little things that she knew I would love. She got me Post Office by Bukowski just because one time in a conversation I had mentioned how much I loved it. She comforts me and tracks me down and just sits there in light of needing anything. We haven't known each other all that long when you think about it - but the fact that someone picks up on my needs and my wants is refreshing at worst. I haven't had anyone care about me in years. I look forward to spending some new memories with her that should eclipse the fake pain of the past.
The pictures and the cards in the drawers are going to another place and it's time to sweep the streets clean of anyone I knew in the past. And the honest part of that is, that I didn't even want to sweep those streets. You can't help who you love but you also can't control when someone doesn't love you. I was swept away in lieu of anything. I was traded in in a cloud of pain. I was replaced by blue hair, pot, guitars, morons, and lies. And at this point, as I look at it, I don't care anymore. There isn't any ill will. And there isn't any hatred. In fact I miss my friend a lot. But... unfortunately I was never worth her time then and I am surely not worth it now. You have to sever off the arm that punches you.
But this post isn't about people who will never know me again. It's about someone I hope never to forget.
So I don't blame her or get angry anymore when she gives me the "fine" or the rollover. It's wonderful to have someone around who actually cares about me. It's nice to have someone who asks me how my day was or thinks that I'm a good person from time to time. It’s nice to laugh with someone again. There is a wonderful change of pace when you know someone that is caring and thoughtful. You don't have to worry about leaving the house to escape or running upstairs in a bar for relief. You don't have to walk around on eggshells because you aren't loved, and that you are just accepted as a replacement to what someone else really wanted. You don't have to hate life anymore.
It's also nice to have my friends back after such a long period of time. We may have our habits and our own egos but I wouldn't trade them for anybody ever again. I made that mistake once, and it won't happen again. However many times I ignored their cries of "What the fuck are you doing?" I was taken back an equal number of times with "God I missed you."
I don't know where this is all going but what I do know is that I'm pretty much healed and could pretty much care less about my past. The reason for that, is that my life now is starting to feel like home - once again. Thank you all.