- Bret Holmes Baltimore Md

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I Kan't Spell

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Goodbye Smoking

Tonight is the last night of official smoking in Baltimore.

Although most bars are planning to carry through the weekend with smokeathons and ash tray give aways...up until post-Superbowl hangovers.

I unfortunately will be in NYC and not be able to avail myself to the last moments of smoking joy.

I'll miss you cigarettes. I'll miss you when I laugh and when I drink a Jameson on the rocks with a High Life back on a cold or warm afternoon. I'll miss you at poker tables. I'll miss you as something to do with my mouth because of my insane oral fixation. I'll miss the french inhale that I have mastered and the eye squint. I'll miss being a good smoker. I'll miss butting you out and oddly I'll miss the smell of you. I'll miss how you make other people feel awkward and how you really piss off the soccer moms of America. I'll miss the pseudo-esque American freedom that cigarettes if James Dean, Sinatra, and Bogart will now be looked at in a different light by the next generation.

Sometimes is there anything sexier than someone lighting a cigarette?

Is there anything more disgusting sometimes as well?

Goodbye smoking in bars. Goodbye. If you would like to enjoy the last night of smoking with me - - - I will be out and about this evening. Feel free to smoke inside for the last time in Baltimore.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Baltimore Singles

"Duh.. Duh Duh!!" - - meant to sound like Roman Chariots racing down a hile...

Anyway.. Baltimore Magazine today releases the most bullshit issue ever possible to be printed. And I'm sorry if you are in it and I know you... but seriously Jason Bungori was in the issue one year. Bungori... didn't have a job, didn't even graduate college yet, and was somehow in Baltimore's Top Singles! Anyway... I lov eyou Bung...but come on.

For my Calvert Hall gents... you'll notice that Mr. Kafalas is in there this year... yeah... Kafalas...

If you want a good laugh with your friends...grab this issue...head to a bar and read allowed from each profile as if you were exchanging poems from Lord Byron.

PS It's not up online yet... but check back there from time to time.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

For your enjoyment....

First off the song alone... as everyone knows it... is just fucking hilarious and so good. Second... none of the instruments heard in the song are actually with them while they play it... making this by far - - - the greatest music video of all time.

At some point this was overheard; "What about all the horns and drum set...?" "Oh don't worry about it... nobody will even notice..."

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Tapes n Tapes

    so it's time to finally let the cat out of the bag and let you know all about our new album. drum roll, please....oh what...the drum's broken...well that's a bummer...i guess we'll be moving on.

    without further delay....our new record will be coming out on april 8th and it's called "walk it off". we're super excited about it, and can't wait for y'all to hear it. here's the track listing:

    1. Le Ruse
    2. Time of Songs
    3. Hang Them All
    4. Headshock
    5. Conquest
    6. Say Back Something
    7. Demon Apple
    8. Blunt
    9. George Michael
    10. Anvil
    11. Lines
    12. The Dirty Dirty

    what else...oh yeah, we'll be playing at SXSW in march, and then we'll be going on a US tour starting in april. once we have dates for that tour, we'll be sure to let you know.

Can't wait to see their tour schedule and get my hands on this album. Enjoy it.

Also - SxSW this year anyone. Hopefully there is some sort of "conference" there this year.

If you don't remember Tapes n Tapes - -

Lick it bitches. Lick iT!

Kimya Dawson in Baltimore

First off Hi. It's a great morning.

Secondly - for all my Fells people - Kimya Dawson will be doing a quick in-store appearance today at the Soundgarden. Yeah - fuck that noise - because there will be lines and it will just suck.

She is playing a second show later tonight up around my way ...near - but not in - the Ottobar. If you want to go to that let me know... and we can mosey. But I repeat that I will not be at the Sound Garden to wait in line with everyone else who wants to hear the song from the Juno Soundtrack... what's going to suck for them is that she will not even play it... mwwhahahaha....her and Adam Green made a pact not to ever play the song unless they were together. So I'm betting she won't play it...

The real show is uptown later tonight at 9 pm.

Take it light. Try to fight. Rock tonight. For your right... to sleep.
I don't know....

Monday, January 21, 2008

Wasting My Time

And if I'm wasting my time
Then nothing could be better
Than hanging on the line
And waiting for a honest word forever

And if you're saying goodbye
Please don't you think me bitter
For recalling every rhyme
From the book the page the line the word the letter

Well the windows turning blue
And the waters over flowing
And I hope I'm not a fool
For laughing at myself as you were going

D Day

Dangerously Delicious in Fed Hill is getting their own TV show on MOJO. Wow! I met Rodney a few years ago and let me tell you that guy makes almost anyone on a reality/Zane Lampry kind of show look normal. He's always bouncing around the room... just hopefully they won't show his "inspiration" for pie making.

If you haven't been there. I don't know what to say...

Also a thrown out word of love to big gay guy next door who runs Beach Bums. You sir - are the rockingest!

Friday, January 18, 2008

Pet Peeve of the Day

I am starting to absurdly loathe websites that assume I want them to play a fucking commercial while I'm on it. ESPN is the classic culprit of this insanely bullshit tactic. While youtube may have changed the way we view the web into a 2.0 visual model (actually it's like 1.1.) this does not make it unobjectionable to incorporate music and or commercials into your splash page.

But either way websites that insist on throwing bullshit multimedia in my face with their intrusive advertisements and flashy moving screens are - at this point - fucking absurd. I even find it annoying when I'm on myspace or on a band's real website and they automatically assume that I want their fucking music playing. While this may be a good idea from their end for a marketing or advertising perspective - from my end - I find it highly presumptuous and downright awful.

Rant over.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Exception to the Rule: A Plead for Kimya Dawson

Most musicians are full of shit. Let's face facts when we seriously think about the mass quantities of musicians that exist. On my block alone are 3 bands that are signed to minor/major labels that tour with each other, and I swear to God not one of them has any idea what they are doing, why, or who they want to make an impression on. They just know that they don't want to work for a living and being in a band is a good excuse to smoke pot, take acid, stay up late, and hang out with like-minded people that do the same. So... when I see a small act get recognition into something larger I tend to take it with a grain of salt and a small wince considering their only allegiance to start that journey was to fulfill their own desire not to be responsible for anything...not even their own music to a large extent.

But as in all walks of life, there is an exception to the rule.

I have always been the guy that wanted you to love his band. I wanted you to know that there was something GREAT that he helped nurture, from the back room at Sonar or the Thursday night billing at the Ottobar or weekend middle set at the Talking Head. I wanted to bring you on right up until the moment that they made it to something larger. Then I became the guy that was first to be done with them. They didn't need my support anymore.

I don't like to share my art. I don't like to bring other people in on what I love for fear that they will corrupt my so purely chosen appreciation with their sloppy interpretation of what I have honed into a fine tuned care. Basically I don't want someone else splattering their tasteless gravy over a meal I slaved over for an entire day...just because they LIKE gravy.

With that said, the entire meaning for supporting any band is three fold when you think about it.

The first thing about the band that you love is that YOU LOVE THEM. You love the music first and foremost. You love that they sing to some piece of you that no one else addresses. You relate to them and their words or sound with all that's in you. They get to touch pieces of you that no one can and for that you feel as if you have an intimate non-existent relationship with someone. Even though you really don't have a relationship...somehow you really do...

The second is to say, "I was here first." I was here on a Tuesday at the Lo-fi social club. I was here at Fletcher's for Noise in the Basement. Or on a larger stage - I drove to Charlotte to see them when they were playing 9:30 club size venues. You want to say that you broke them...that you discovered them. This gives you some sort of ownership to go along with your non-existent intimate relationship. You have now built a bond with the band and at the end of the day you feel as though at any given time they should welcome you in to their homes and you should split a six-pack while watching Survivor Man on Discovery.

The third and final leg for a band that you love is to say "I've been here the entire time." After they've finished with their popularity and that one single or one album has been extinguished to the Mix 106 relics to be played on the soccer mom drive to can still proudly own the fact that you have purchased every cd after that first cd and you have cherished and worshiped them. You have rung the name of that band on every corner no matter who says that they now "suck".

And let's be honest... anyone that says that ANY band sucks is a moron. Being full of shit is one thing but "sucking" is another. If you get up there and do your thing or put it out... you don't suck. You more than likely aren't talented, and you certainly have nothing new to say, and I wouldn't quit your day job... but if you do it...just like with putting out a book, an article, a position, your own business... if you put it out there then no one can say you "suck" because I can guarantee that those people that say that, have never tried what it is you are trying.

So... on to Kimya Dawson and her new found success. With the movie Juno doing well in the box office, many people are inquiring "What are these songs?", "This is amazing". This is the Kimya Dawson that not only I, but also so many people have sung praises about for so long.

I found her almost 7 years ago. The Strokes were playing their 3rd show ever. It was at the 9:30 club in DC. I was the time... for the Strokes. I went and stood with the other huddled masses and saw what would be the start of a journey for a really great band. The Strokes were IT at that time.

But lost somewhere in that club while people were still jockeying for position and buying enough beers to sustain the show, was a woman in a bunny suit singing about "poop in your pants". Kimya was the lead co-singer of the Moldy Peaches and to see her in person at that time was certainly a shock to my 21-year-old eyes.

My jaw dropped, my eyebrows moved, and I looked around the crowd for someone else's reaction to let me know that it was ok to think this was AWESOME. I found very few people that felt that way. Most thought it was a gimmick. Some laughed. I stood in shock and awe at the biggest pair of nuts I had ever seen take a stage. I felt sorry for the other people that didn't "get it". I felt bad that they turned their ears off because of the freakish appearance of the band. If they had tuned in they would have heard sweet melodic lyrics, with overtones of peace, love, and confusion, more than likely all things that we want or try to understand.

The Strokes came on 20 minutes later. They played. It was forgettable. Kimya Dawson however was not. For me she was the star of the evening. The next day all I talked about was she. Who was she? Where was she from? I had to know everything about this band and especially her.

I traipsed to NY, Philly, Virginia to see them play one-off shows on days off from the Strokes boring tour. Then the Moldy Peaches broke up. Like a falling star they burned out and Kimya was thrown out on her own.

Soundgarden didn't carry her records. She had no website. Rolling Stone didn't publicize her releases. She was in the wind in NY. She played the Knitting Factory ever so often and the Bowery and some place in Brooklyn with sticky floors. She was my ghost.

In 2005 I went to NY for a trip. Kimya had slipped to my back pages and I no longer tried to follow her career. But... when in NY I like to find something that I can't see in Baltimore. I checked the Village for their concerts that night and low and behold I saw her name. It was as familiar as Mac and Cheese and it leapt off the page like a frog from a stove. I had to go. I had to see her. I had been listening to her mp3's from time to time and knew some of her solo material but didn't know about a bunny suit or the rest of her band or what her motif might be.

I showed up at the Knitting Factory with my friend Blake. She gave out free hugs. She played. She yelled at me once. It was amazing. I was rekindled. I had found my ghost once more. By this time Kimya had a local following and even semi-national amongst young gay men and middle school girls. (Still don't know where I fit into that). But it's not like she worked at Toni's Deli in her spare time. She was successful but she seemed toiled in her limitations. The entire show she played a movie that she also directed, and she orchestrated singing lesson with children. She seemed to need to blossom and grow.

That was the last time I saw her.

In the next years leading up until now she moved to Seattle and had a baby (named Panda...yeah Panda) and married. She still played but only really for children and charitable events.

Then the movie Juno came about.

I don't know how they found her or why. But I know they made a great choice. People talk more about that soundtrack then they do about the movie. Her songs are being played on local radio stations and in malls. They appear on "Eclectic Monday Morning" cd's and every hipster and his brother wants a piece of her.

NOW... this is where you would see me break ties. But I am not going to. She may be... *choke* the first musicians that I 100% know deserves this. She deserves it because I know she'll do it the right way...her way... the way she's always done it. While her success may not be monumental or she may not sell a million records, I can almost feel how happy she is to genuinely get her voice and message out to the world. I applaud Juno for taking a chance and - - for the first time in a long time - - I am going to applaud the listeners for making the right choice.

Just realize listeners that now that you have her in your musical life... treat her with respect and reverence. Be there at the end and follow her through it all. I promise you that the love she'll turn out will be well worth your time.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Bret Wants

The original Oasis couch used on Definitely Maybe - - I would smell it all day...

I want

Roller Girls

...are moving from my home Skate park - SKATE LAND BITCHES!!! - - > To the armory downtown. Bring on Roller Derby... Joy Collision = best name ever.

Saw No Country for Old Men this weekend - it was solid.

Also I'll be in NY for Superbowl and happy birthday Lauren....

Have a great start to the week...

Sand Killer

I AM singing to you
Soft as a man with a dead child speaks;
Hard as a man in handcuffs,
Held where he cannot move:

Under the sun
Are sixteen million men,
Chosen for shining teeth,
Sharp eyes, hard legs,
And a running of young warm blood in their wrists.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Crowded Metro

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Powerful Prayers

And the women all were beautiful
The men were taut and clear
The chalice swung with the moon
I looked narrow and straight
I had no fear
I had no hate

It was I and it was the water
A baptism of killers
It was the rock that melted
So hot to touch
The rock ran out
I did not cry
I did not shout

Don't you see me down here praying?
There was me
The beautiful things
and the devil
So wrong to try
I did not run
I did not fly

And heaven opened to me in sun
It came in through finger
Locked and waving
A child's understanding
With the fear of man
I did not cower
I had to stand

And with feet planted I punch at wind
It does not laugh
It moves on to hair
Soft and brown
Along a head so pure
It has no poison
It needs no cure

Sin and life when will you untangle
With drink and dry
With time and death
There lay only flashes
Of what mother say
It wants to hold
It never stays

So to God and science I stretched
To the heart of Venus and
To the chariot of Mars
I threw my word
It was never recanted
I was never heard

Weekends and stuff...

Weakapug and Black Eyed Susan (same fucking thing) plays tom. at the 8x10. While the 'pug or the 'wiki as I like to call them aren't really my flavor's nice to get together with friends and be "in the middle" or "kah need". So that's that.

On Saturday things get more interesting as the Thrushes play the Metro Gallery. The Thrushes are the torch carriers for the local scene as far as I've noticed. And down the Street the Red Vines and Among Wolves play (won't be attending that ... but most people dig alt-country and to be quite honest... they aren't that bad for Baltimore.) While up the street at the Ottobar you have Death Teeth (Yay Richie and your Death Metal love! Douche). So plenty of things...

Also the Feb-March-April season are perenially the best months for small label artists to hit the 500 - 2k clubs such as Ottobar, Black Cat, 9:30, and all clubs up north and in between. It's a shame Sonar has dropped the ball so hard on promoting...else they'd be able to get someone other than smelly Sublime cover bands and every DJ with a pulse.

And somehow and some way Rams Head Live placed 4th in the country for capacity sell out venues. So - well done indie promoters and way to let IMP know that they aren't the only game in town. Now you just need to unify.

Anyway - the late winter early spring months show you the larger acts stretching their legs on new material that they'll need to iron out before the summer festivals. So keep your eyes open - for example - today - Wilco released their late Winter schedule and will be at the 9:30 in late February.

Also DD and Ponytail will be playing a block party at 19th and Charles - just after North Ave - it's 3 houses all tied together by pretty ribbons and bows. Come quiet or don't come at all...

Anyways - - keeps it real.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Juno: Kimya Dawson

Juno itself is a decent movie but if you notice in the opening credits if you see it...Kimya Dawson does all the music for it - including one of her more popular songs "Anyone else but you..." being the title track. It really really made me happy to see her get the kind of recognition she deserves...

This is her and Adam Green playing it at the premier - - ->

This is the cd version - it doesn't get any better than this IMO - for just happy poor NY folk.

Soundtrack includes - -

1. All I Want Is You Barry Louis Polisar
2. My Rollercoaster (Juno Film Version) Kimya Dawson
3. A Well Respected Man The Kinks
4. Dearest Buddy Holly
5. Up The Spout Mateo Messina
6. Tire Swing Kimya Dawson
7. Piazza, New York Catcher Belle & Sebastian
8. Loose Lips Kimya Dawson
9. Superstar Sonic Youth
10. Sleep (Instrumental) Kimya Dawson
11. Expectations (Remastered Version) Belle & Sebastian
12. All The Young Dudes Mott The Hoople
13. So Nice So Smart Kimya Dawson
14. Sea Of Love (Remastered Version) Cat Power
15. Tree Hugger Kimya Dawson & Antsy Pants
16. I'm Stickng With You The Velvet Underground
17. Anyone Else But You Moldy Peaches
18. Vampire Antsy Pants
19. Anyone Else But You Michael Cera & Ellen Page

And this song always gets me - Belle and Sebastian's Piazza New York Catcher - -

Friday, January 04, 2008

Jason Dove Show tom. Night

...and an event. It's Mr Boucher's Bday tom. and his friend Jason Dove will be playing at the Talking Head. If you haven't been to the Talking Head since it's revival you will find that not much has changed except for the fact that Baltimore's best booked Indie club (lo-fi catching on) is back in full swing. And if you haven't seen Jason Dove...I'd suggest you get involved.

Either way - hope your New Years is kickin hard - -

Thursday, January 03, 2008

City Paper: Pinup Girls

If you haven't seen the City Paper this week you'll notice that the cover story involves the resurging Pin-Up industry. Both of the women featured work for the company I work for... as a matter of fact there are about 15 or so of the "action girls" or "mod squad" as I like to call them cruising around. They are so much fun to work with and make this place even more special than it already is... Cheers to them.

    Barich and Sneed agree to meet me for lunch at a Mount Vernon coffee shop to discuss the fine points of pinup. They're coming from their day jobs at Agora Publishing, but their office clothes are styled with vintage flair. Standing together, the two women have the Bert-and-Ernie physical symmetry of partnerships meant to be--Barich's curvy proportions and '50s starlet makeup make her resemble Edith Massey's much, much prettier sister, while the tall and narrow Sneed wears the cat's-eye glasses of a secretly wild librarian. Even their lunchtime order of the roasted chicken and gravy hot plate is retro. Their interest in all things Populuxe extends to their membership in the Karb Kings hot rodders car club, and not just as hood candy--Barich has rebuilt her own 1951 Chevy Styleline Deluxe, including a complete rewiring of the car's electronics as well as doing something called a "drive-train swap," an advanced procedure that, even after squinting at several auto restoration how-to sites, I'm too mystified to explain. (Apparently I'm not the only one confounded by her grease-monkey credentials. "Once [guys] find I built the car," she gloats, "they don't know how to handle it.")

- This is now - and I guess has always been very popular down the Hamden to Mt Vernon corridor. Bring on the piss!

Read the article here.

Top 10 albums of 2007

Not very extensive - but... here none-the-less.

1. The Shepherd's Dog by Iron & Wine
2. 23 by Blonde Redhead
3. Boxer by The National
4. Neon Bible by The Arcade Fire
5. From Here We Go Sublime by The Field
6. Because of the Times by Kings of Leon
7. Easy Tiger by Ryan Adams
8. Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon by Devendra Banhart
9. Back to Black by Amy Winehouse
10. Liars by the Liars

Honorable Mentions:
Strawberry Jam by Animal Collective
Under the Blacklight by Rilo Kiley


Purple parallelogram, I got in Amsterdam
It made me dream the dreams I didn't understand
Thought I liked to say that I'm so proud of you
And do you wanna dance with me?

The best is first when the girl is here
I've got it all backwards for the town to play
Funny that I'd like to say that I'm so proud of you
Do you wanna dance with me?

Gonna make it easy
Sitting on a jacket
The world is gonna have it
And Still you wanna dance with me?

I've got a papercut it's from a wonderland
I've got it all backwards for the clown to stand
Funny I'd like to say that I'm so proud of you
Do you wanna dance with me?

I ask you "Do you wanna dance with me?"
And still you stand
With your paper cup
And the jacket goes on one arm
The collar gets popped
The mouth air goes out
and no one wants to dance with me.

I'm gonna make it easy.
And say that the grass is waiting
the cold's been baiting
And the porch and yard are gonna dance with me.

Purple parallelogram I got in Amsterdam
It made me dream a dream I didn't understand
Now I completely know that I'm not proud of you
You don't get to dance with me.

Favorites List
Pandora Song List
Amazon Wish List
Revolutionary Wealth - Tofflers
Brian Jones

Things Making Me Smile
The City
Listening - [out of 5]
Benjy Ferree - 4.8
The Thermals 3.1
David Gray 3.8

Like the guy with the beard? YES - like the guy with the beers. What? Yep

Bands That I Check Schedules For
Badly Drawn Boy
Belle and Sebastian
Benjy Ferree
The Black Keys
Drive By Truckers
The Eels
Kimya Dawson
Mark Hopkins Band
Iron and Wine
Mates of State
Ted Leo
Two if By Sea

Places I Rock in the Flesh
9:30 Club
Black Cat
Electric Factory
The Knitting Factory
The Otto Bar
Recher Theatre

Places I Eat/Drink in the Flesh
Bishop's Collar
Cross Street Market
Hull Street
Joun Gak
Mick O'Shea's
No Way Jose
The Irish Pub
The Waterfront Hotel

My Greatest Hits (that's so lame)

The time I almost killed a child
July 4th in Korea
Excerpts from Demian
Why I screen phone calls
Bret's Death Metal Report
A conversation at a cocktail party
A conversation at breakfast
So you think you are a Baltimorian
A conversation about a girl singer
Observations from a bar
Observations of strippers
Tech Language
Why I love Oasis
I would go to war
"You Son of a Bitch" An Open Letter to Tom Friend
Dance to Your Ocean
Dream Ranch
When men become pussies
Jason Whitlock is a racist propaganda promoter
Pitchfork takes music snobbery to new level
The Cosmic Clash of the Red Sox and Cubs
The Hatred that is Runts Candy
Starting corporate line-up
Google Bio
Do you know me? List 1 / List 2 / List 3
The Night I Burned Philly Down
So You Want to be a Booze Hound
She Said it was Free
Funniest Corporate Story Ever
Striped Shirts and the Fucks that Wear Them
Death Peddle
Pieces of Morning
Oasis Album Revew
The Art of Tipping
Starting Fires With Grass Stains
Bret's Federal Hill Food Review
Sexcapades and your Picture on the Internet
Stupid Secrets
Stupid Secrets the Return

Contact Me

Stuff I Swing By From Time to Time

Indie Video Archive
Large Hearted Boy
Important Records
Oasis News
Pitch Fork Media
Reptilian Records
Scenestars MP3 Blogs
Sound Garden Baltimore

Shotgun Apparel
Warrior Clothing

Angry Little Girls
Atom Films
Eye Envision
Homestar Runner
Kill Frog
Junior Varsity Meat Market

Baltimore City Paper
The Baltimore Sun
Calvert Hall
Degroen's Brewers
ESL Cafe
Fantasy Sports
Korean Herald
Villa Julie College Baseball
W3 Schools

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