- Bret Holmes Baltimore Md

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I Kan't Spell

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Best of Baltimore: A 29 year old, single, white, straight, d/d f, male resident of Mt Vernon

It's that time of the year again... the leaves are changing the weather lends itself to that cool ass jacket you own or the hoodie you love the most. The concert lists at your local 500+ person venue are no longer filled with "Who the fuck is this?" but instead, you start finding sweet gems of joy like Deerhoof at the Sidebar FOR NO REASON! Football season is in full swing and by football I obviously mean the EPL. I've already been in a fight at Slainte and the cherry on top of the wonder that is the beginning of Fall is always the City Paper's release of the Best of Baltimore issue.

Possibly the most self serving, free shit getting, jerk off to yourself publication in the world, today released their (god only knows how many) umpteenth "Best of Baltimore" issue. My new neighbors are lining the streets with thousands of pages of "Look how awesome I am." And they deserve it... because well... does it get any cooler than the BoB issue of the City Paper.

Thousands of hipsters today smelling of bong water, filter less camels, a swift sprits of Nautica cologne and failure, will be holed up in bars discussing who really does have the best fries or why their friend Mark wasn't featured in the "Best Musician without a job" category. "He's sooooo good though." lol

I have to admit that as I have now turned 29 and stopped drinking more than twice per week... I feel like I have fallen out of favor with what is cool or what is "hip" in the land of Pleasant Living. But... just when I was about to throw my cool cape into the fire and retire to the nearest Outback on York road or start watching the E! channel... the BoB restores my faith in me because I could have written this... but you know... better. But I digress...

Let the Bums of Baltimore rejoice because they can now pad their beds and shirts with this uber-thick gold nugget of "What's cool and new in Baltimore."

Here we go with the highlights and lowlights:

Best place for a quiet drink: The Waterfront Hotel - Well well well - "Music is usually a mellow and hip assortment, selected from the bartender's iPod." I know that Ipod. It even has Oasis on it...and Travis... and well... most of the other cd's I own... and then some Cat Power (boo~!...sorry T) The Waterfront has truly turned the corner when it comes to being possibly the best upstairs lounge in Baltimore. We all look forward to the opening of Miss Irene's coming soon... And since my year long hiatus from Fells has now expired... I am ready to rock the waterfront...occasionally...infrequently... well... less than monthly unless I'm watching soccer... anyway WOO!

Best Band: Ponytail - For over two years now I have been touting the love for Ponytail. My neighbors are legitimate and while their music is different - if you can't appreciate what they turn out then you are more than likely the kind of asshole that hates classical music or Jazz. Molly, the lead singer, can be seen riding her bike and delivering parcels around town. Ponytail can be seen on the national stage in a matter of months. Kudos to you smellies!

Best Monument: Billie Holiday Statue My favorite Monument in Baltimore - hands down is the Lafayette monument... simply because only about 6 people I have ever met know why it's there and that's how I fucking roll.

Best Library Branch. County :Rosedale Library the 37 holding it down. I still love the smell of that library...

Best Politician, Getting The Job Done: Mayor Sheila Dixon Wow. Just wow... Just because Charles st is getting a new sidewalk does not make Sheila Dixon my mayoral hero. Nary a more corrupt city official since Schmoke hath taken office more over the desk and fucked it harder than Sheila Dixon. Her proposed East to West light rail is by far the dumbest thing I have ever heard (look what the light rail did for Towson... let's do that to the four corners of Baltimore...smell my sarcasm there). The murder is rate low... whoopie... I liked it when it was high so we had something to brag about... now we can't get new business in here and other than convention center keeping downtown churning I don't see any new horizon cutters going up other than stupid apartment buildings. So Sheila... stop needing kickbacks for people to come to town and just be an honest person. Love, your over taxed constituent.

Best Local Sportscaster :Joe Angel "There's a deep's way could be...what a drive! Mora up with it and throws on to first." This category shouldn't exist until either Chuck Thompson is resurrected on a stick on John Miller is hired back. The curse of John Miller still lives.

Best TV Commercial: Eastern Motors No doubt about this one!

Best Men's Haircut: Beatnik Barbershop The men/ and one woman who cut the hairs of both Douglas and myself have been featured. Kudos. Now I have something to talk to them about.

Best Antique Store: Woodward's The mayor of Federal Hill's new jam. I started a website for it... he fell of the face of the earth. Maybe this will give me a reason to get paid. Woodward's does rock though...

Best Place to Buy Groceries: Mars Let me ask you something. Did all the other Super Markets in the world blow up? Did Mars change ownership or get cleaner nice stores with better products not located in the dregs and annals of Baltimore and the surrounding counties? I smell a kickback to the City Paper on this one...

Best Hostel: Hi Baltimore Hostel The only one I've ever seen but to be honest I would stay there. It's a big giant mansion and you can always find a car right out in front of it filled to the brim with all of someone's possesions...The key to knowing whether or not someone lives in their car... If there's shampoo in there... that's where they live. 'nuf said.

Best Dentist: Dr. Kimberly Ford Fluffy. 'nuf. Said.

Best Yoga Studio: Charm City Yoga Sup neighbor.

Best Korean Restaurant: Nam Kang EHHHH! Wrong! Try again. Joun Gak. Thanks for coming out though.

Best Italian Restaurant: Chiapparelli's I don't know what doobie they were smoking. But I wouldn't get a glass of water from Chiapparelli's and my childhood friend Dina Bernadelli has now married into it. Even with that... I see no reason to ever go in there.

Best Tapas/Small Plates :Tapas Teatro In agreement. But can we not just recommend everything in Mt Vernon? I mean... it's kinda absurd sometimes.

Best Chicken Wings: Bruce Lee's Wings This is absurd. Bruce Lee's wings may be the worst wings I've ever had. I would rather make my own fucking wings out of my toilet presents then eat Bruce Lee's wings. The gelatinous mass of orange goop that sticks to them tastes like old woman ointment.

Best Pit Beef: Pioneer Pit Beef Blasphemers! If it wasn't cut, carved, dropped on the floor, possibly spit in, overcooked and then slopped on a bun within the confines of Pulaski Highway then it's not pit beef. It's something else... I'll call it... county tripe... or a turd burger. Yep - turd burger.

Best Pizza: Joe Squared So close yet so far away (North Ave.) But just the other week I think I commented on how Joe Squared looks like a really nice place. I think I'll be eating my next boob expander from there.

Best Bar For Smoking Outside: Flip's At Clipper Mill - this one should be named Dumbest category. But I would have to say that James Joyce is easily the best bar for smoking outside.

Best Upscale Bar: Jay's On Read Street Those who read the City Paper and that are reading this may want to go to Jay's on Read Street for a drink with some friends. I warn you however that this bar also fits into another category "Best gay Bar in town". Just fair warning. It's next to The Drinkery.

Best Place to Fake Rich: 13th Floor Yet another category change for this answer. Instead of Best Place to Fake Rich it could be Best Place to Never Go and Say That You Used to Go When it Was Cool and You Couldn't Catch a VD from the Bathroom.

Best First-Date Bar: Peter's Inn I don't know why a creep bar in a side alley adjacent to a CVS that is completely empty other than on Friday's is considered a good "First date" bar... but... each his own. Try not to end up in a dumpster.

Best Pit-Stop Drink: Midtown Yacht Club Yet again this category should be changed to "Most smelly fucking bar in the world...but you want it to not smell because it's not a bad bar."

Best Sports Bar: Sl√°inte hmmm... I agree.

Best Bar Pool Table: Spirits Tavern While it is a great Pool table it's also the most difficult pool table I have ever played on in my life and it weren't for that sweet ass Oriole painting - - I would have put my stick through the walls on many an occasion.

Best Song: DJ Excel, "That's What a Pimp Does" - Replace with "Dance my pain away"

Well that is all for now. I wanted to add some of my own categories...maybe later. The City Paper releases a great issue they do... but after reading it... it's really sophomoric.

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Favorites List
Pandora Song List
Amazon Wish List
Revolutionary Wealth - Tofflers
Brian Jones

Things Making Me Smile
The City
Listening - [out of 5]
Benjy Ferree - 4.8
The Thermals 3.1
David Gray 3.8

Like the guy with the beard? YES - like the guy with the beers. What? Yep

Bands That I Check Schedules For
Badly Drawn Boy
Belle and Sebastian
Benjy Ferree
The Black Keys
Drive By Truckers
The Eels
Kimya Dawson
Mark Hopkins Band
Iron and Wine
Mates of State
Ted Leo
Two if By Sea

Places I Rock in the Flesh
9:30 Club
Black Cat
Electric Factory
The Knitting Factory
The Otto Bar
Recher Theatre

Places I Eat/Drink in the Flesh
Bishop's Collar
Cross Street Market
Hull Street
Joun Gak
Mick O'Shea's
No Way Jose
The Irish Pub
The Waterfront Hotel

My Greatest Hits (that's so lame)

The time I almost killed a child
July 4th in Korea
Excerpts from Demian
Why I screen phone calls
Bret's Death Metal Report
A conversation at a cocktail party
A conversation at breakfast
So you think you are a Baltimorian
A conversation about a girl singer
Observations from a bar
Observations of strippers
Tech Language
Why I love Oasis
I would go to war
"You Son of a Bitch" An Open Letter to Tom Friend
Dance to Your Ocean
Dream Ranch
When men become pussies
Jason Whitlock is a racist propaganda promoter
Pitchfork takes music snobbery to new level
The Cosmic Clash of the Red Sox and Cubs
The Hatred that is Runts Candy
Starting corporate line-up
Google Bio
Do you know me? List 1 / List 2 / List 3
The Night I Burned Philly Down
So You Want to be a Booze Hound
She Said it was Free
Funniest Corporate Story Ever
Striped Shirts and the Fucks that Wear Them
Death Peddle
Pieces of Morning
Oasis Album Revew
The Art of Tipping
Starting Fires With Grass Stains
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