Chapter 12 - "Good I want to sit outside"
As I get older I look back and see how little I have actually changed. There is a strange part of my persona that ALWAYS feels as though it doesn't belong. Or as though it doesn't deserve what is currently happening. It always feels that it is on the outside while people on the inside are showing that true love and friendship that is echoed in movie. Life tends to always feels like a lie.
It's not a sharp feeling and it doesn't extend to Erin or my Mother. It does however, extend to my friends and other relatives. It always feels like it's just a little off... as though I'm an imposter or phoney just trying to fit in. I don't identify with Holden but... I can see where he comes from... plus he was way cooler than I was... and probably wouldn't hang out with me...
Anyway - this chapter was a bit flat... it's a funny story about me in the 4th grade where I had to sit OUTSIDE the classroom, outside the school in a study carol for a week. And when I was told that this was my punishment I said the Chapter title line.
I tie that into how I've always acted this way... I've always wanted it to be hard. The harder you make it for me - it seems the more I enjoy it once I succeed. I don't like things to be easy. I like them to be hard... it makes the victory twice as sweet and validates my efforts. I always want to be different and known for that. However, what happens is that my efforts there just make me more like everyone else. I often acquiesce to people's opinions of me and have major self-confidence issues in social settings.
Either way - I tried to tie all that into that one story and the path it has beaten to my door today... but it never really go there.
We are headed to Chicago for a few days to hang out with our dear friends... should be a good time. Eating at Rick Bayless' restaurant...and seeing my aunt for the first time in 15 years.
Have a great weekend - hopefully we'll get some renfest in next weekend.
