Chapter 14 - Music Makes Me Cry
When I think I can reach something and yet can't attain it - whether it be some sort of emotion, or reasoning - I get sad. I get sad when I can't express myself in any special way. As if there is nothing special about me any more. I think this is some animalistic base level emotion that has caused me a ton of heartache over the years. It's almost as though you toss permanently in a boat without port. Often I feel very alone and unsure of myself and this causes so many poor choices.
Music has always been a very calming constant in that book of void. Music and lyrics especially have been there to explain to me that there is silence and peace inside of you. There is something beautiful that you can attain and be a part of. There is nothing exclusive about music, art, or knowledge. If you want to grab at a golden ring it is there - if you want to feel and understand - it is there. And there is no definition for your appreciation. There is just the joy that it brings you.
I think the times that I have always been happiest in my life - are the times when I was listening to or celebrating with music. I have treated this gift in different ways but it's always been there in some sort of under-current. It's there to heighten the joy and soften the sad.
I've been writing this chapter for a long time and have stopped it and started several times over - it wasn't until last night - and seeing Jackson Browne and being there in everything that it came back to me a little bit. I knew I was a fraud in many ways. I knew I was a pillar in others. I guess the key is to feel comfortable in all of your states and work towards a sense of pride within you. Somehow, and I don't know how... but music has been that constant barometer of truth for me. I can honestly say that music has been God's greatest gift and the one true miracle to my life.