Day 3
Just trying to jot down thoughts -
Energy level is low this morning.
Positivity level is very low.
I find that I may just be destroying every relationship I have with people because of depression. I can get through work ok. I can dig deep down there and find a number or a goal or something to focus on. Mostly because I'm in charge and you get some energy from that.
But over the last 2 years - ever since I was fired. I am very concerned that I have caused irreversible damage to my marriage and my relationship with my kids. Nobody sees me as anything but a grouch - a curmudgeon, a total asshole and dick. I feel like most of the time it's a relief that I'm not there. I feel an oppression on other when I walk into a room - and so I would rather just not walk into the room. And I know it. So - I have no energy to fight it - and when I do try to bring myself out of the tail spin it's so violently radical that everyone just think im crazy and bipolar - which - ya never know - i may be.
I meet with a shrink this week. I hope it helps. I don't know how much longer I can keep this level of negativity in my life. I dont know how to combat it. I'm very alone - and it's my fault - and I have no idea how to fix it.
No alcohol in 10 days doesnt seemed to have helped with my thought patterns. Exercise hasn't jarred me loose either. I'm running out of ideas. Something has to change.
