Thanksgiving
Well this year was interesting. What do I have to give thanks for? Well -
1. I have 3 healthy children who seem happy and are maturing into very interesting people.
2. I have been given a chance to be happy.
3. I am still able to provide for my family.
4. I feel better about myself - or at least see a path to - everyday.
That's about it. My Mom is still alive and doing well and enjoying her time with the Grandchildren. That's nice to see - she's earned that pleasure.
I had a weird fantasy today about dying. I imagined what it would be like to be diagnosed with something that was incurable and inoperable. And oddly I felt great calm with making a decision to just fade away. It's a weird thing to live like that - but I imagine a lot of people do. I imagine many people want to be alone at the end and maybe they don't have that option. Maybe they don't want to be surrounded by anything fake or insincere. That would be the most heart breaking thing for me - would be to see that I never really truly meant anything to anyone. And that's how I feel all the time - but that's on me - that's not on anyone else - that's just what I live with... because it's my own neurosis and pain. But - there's something about that finality - that peace that I could have being isolated - it's something I've always looked for and to be honest when my mind wandered there - it didn't feel the least bit awkward. It felt soothing.
