- Bret Holmes Baltimore Md

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I Kan't Spell

Monday, April 30, 2007

Some Randoms

I have started another blog that will, and try not to laugh, house some of my ideas and sample of writing (well mostly all of it) of a short Novella I'm trying to write about a young man starting college (I'm up to 300 pages of non-chapter, non-linear, pretty much just 60 different scenes). He daydreams in and out of consiousness into flashbacks, hates authority, loves his mother, helped to kill his own father, and in the end will...well who knows.

The site will also have tidbits of ideas from the books, movies, magazines, and conversations I absorb. I think all too often we forget a good idea, or an idea to be expounded upon because we have no vessel to really hold it. While a pen and paper may be good and all, where's the fun in that? For example at 2 a.m. last night I was watching Platoon, and Charlie Sheen says to Keith David "Why do all the poor kids have to come fight while the rich kids get to sit at home?" Keith David responds "Taylor here is an idealist. gotta already be rich to have them kind of ideas." Luckily I remembered this line this morning because at the time it made me want to write 30 pages.

If you would like to read some of it or swing by it from time to time please send me an email. I would also ask that you not link to it or make it public. Thanks.


On Saturday night, Cinco De Mayo, I would like to house the De La Hoya v Merriweather fight at my house. I'll be buying it, if you would like to come over and watch it, you would be more than welcome. This is, and trust me on this one, one of your last chances to see a big name fight. Quick, name 2 fighters besides these guys...yeah... good try.


Some of you may have noticed that I have cancelled my MySpace account. I did this for a couple reasons. 1. I don't use if for anything other than the updates from bands. 2. The woman I love blocks me from hers so as not to hurt my feelings about her daily life. So that's frustrating. 3. The last time I looked I wasn't 17 years old. So I have joined and am helping a couple of local Hopkins kids with a new site called IPIQI. You'll know how to find it if you want to. It's part of the web 2.0. And while myspace owns the 1.1 gen. I don't think it'll make the leap to 2.0 anytime soon.


I have started working with the local group Ponytail on their website and non-campus-promotion. If you have been to an outdoor festival you have seen Ponytail. They are a little, uh, insane in their music but as far as Baltimore goes, we don't really have much so I'll take arty with an insane following of like 200 kids anyday. At least they are fun. It's not the kind of music you play in your car though.


Also on Cinco De Mayo is the Darby game between City and United. Unfortunately it starts at the god awful hour of 7 a.m. If you need me - I'll be at Slainte in my city jersey watching the boys in blue try to defend their home turf, while surrounded by 300 guys in red.


For anyone who hasn't heard Icky Thump by the Stripes yet - don't be surprised to be a little - - - let down. It sounds like they ripped off Billy Squire.

And if you want to laugh - read this.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Best Smell in the World

Windows open in the cooling eveing of spring when it is raining outside. I'm sleeping in my living room just so I don't have to leave it. It feels like home here today.

Well so much for that...

I guess I tend to be a tad melodramatic about not posting again. Once things cool off in your own head, things don't seem so bad, the images that once were awful, just may be images of what is right. So - I'll be back another day. Thanks for the phone calls. It's good to know a few people actually care.

BTW - The new website for the Ponytails will be up soon. Thanks guys for all the ideas.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Jas - (my last post on this blog for a while)

No matter whatever happens, I'll always love her more than anything I have ever known. Even if it never works and I have to watch her happiness somewhere else. My love for her won't fade. That face will not shine any less bright with time in my memory and my hands, though failed and blind, will always search for hers.

I am very sorry that I lied, that I cheated, that I was just an undeserving person to receive your love. I'm so very regretful that I was weak in the face of all that was given me. I was given trust, love, faith, and the hope of a very wonderful woman. I took that for granted. I lost what I know God meant to give me. And for all the people reading this that think you knew who "we" were together. For all the people that talked down about my girl and about "us". Fuck you! Fuck you in the ear. Because you won't ever take her place or fill that hole that is there. You never tried to fill it with friendship and you certainly couldn't fill it with her love. You don't know shit. You have no realization of the most amazing moment you can share with someone as we have. I can guarantee it. You may also have not known the fighting and the pain but I wouldn't trade anything we went through for anything anyone else has ever had.

I was given a gift on a September evening a long time ago. I was given my double. I was given my reason for being a man. I was a boy to that gift. And as a child loses a toy down the drain, as was the way I treated my gift. I took it for granted. I lost.

I have no idea what to say about my life or what I'm writing right now. I honestly don't think any of my friends give a fuck about anything but their own lives. I really don't have anyone. I honestly have lost my faith. I have lost the one thing I know I loved. And "lost" is being kind to me, I threw away my love. I threw away myself and I am no longer able to put humpty back together anymore. I am so very lost without the thought of my life with her. I am so very lost anyway.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't have many reasons any more.

Goodbye monkey. I love you. I always have. I always will.

"And they all made fun of him yelling "Where's Josephine?"
"And his only call was for Josephine"


We have a problem....

Everyone googles themselves from time to time to see if they are out in the world of cyberspace for strange reasons. Unfortunately...

I don't know who put this in - but it was not me - it also reminds you that anyone can mess with you and your name at any time. This is just very sad...

Thursday, April 26, 2007

In Bloom

An 80 year Baltimore springtime tradition continues.

The tulips at Sherwood Gardens will be at their peak over the next few weekends, with thousands of bulbs.

If you are looking for a relaxing way to spend an evening or weekend afternoon, check it out.

The park is just north of Johns Hopkins University, in Guilford. If you need directions or additional info, let me know.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Red Sox Irritation Nation

I work downtown. I go to the ballpark for a lot of games and I try to watch just about every game on television that I can. I have a history with the Orioles and I love them. I love Baltimore and I really enjoy the atmosphere of Camden Yards. Here is what I don't enjoy:

I don't enjoy the herd of Red Sox fans that come to town every time the Orioles play them. I don't enjoy the plethora of Red Sox shirts I see on Pratt st. and in a line outside of McCormick and Schmicks (actually I do enjoy that because it's hilarious.).

It's not so much that I mind anyone from Boston making the trek down here as much as I loathe the transplant bandwaggoners that live here in the city and the surrounding area. If you are from Boston and came down here for a game then I honestly salute you. While I really don't find your accent appealing and I'm not a fan of being hugged and made fun of in my home town, I respect that you came down here to support your team. While it is easier now than before because your legion has exponentially grown, I'll try not to take anything away from your commitment. But, I would like to ask you... where were you 10 years ago? Where was this Red Sox "nation" then? It was at home in Boston at a "bahhh", that's where.

What I would like to point out is that this phenomenon is very, very recent. You would think that Red Sox fans had been this rabid their whole lives. You would think that in the Summer, Baltimore was not even it's own city, and that we rented to NY and Boston as if we didn't own our little corner of the Atlantic. This transcendence and emergence of Red Sox fans is so nauseating and sporadic (if you look at a fan timeline) that it grates in the worst way against other Baltimore fans. The 80% of Boston fans at that stadium tonight will be college kids with no affiliation to Boston, turn coats from another team, or just plain posers that are convinced they are Red Sox fans.

While I may be a little jealous of the current tidal wave of Red Sox fans that have come out of the woodwork and that they sort have pushed us off of our block, I still must insist that our legacy as a baseball community not only be recognized but instilled and reinforced throughout our town and people. I grow weary every year that I hear a "Let's Go Red Sox" chant at a game. I grow furious seeing Red Sox fans take over local bars as if it were a fraternity reunion. I implore Baltimore once again to find the will power to drive these fair weather fans back to the late 90's when not a wry 300 would show up in our house, and when a Yankee fan back then was boo'ed, heckled, and picked out of the pack of wolves he was attempting to run with like the lame pup he was.

A man can dream I suppose of these things happening, but in actuality they won't. Tonight happy Red Sox faces will descend on our little downtown. And when the Orioles take their game to Boston, Baltimore will only be represented by the players on the field and a mere few fans in the crowd. I will be watching on TV.

Maybe I'm not the most die hard fan around. I can't afford to spend 40% of my salary traveling to see the Orioles. Maybe the Red Sox do have us licked in the area of fan sacrifice for their team. It is hard for me to swallow that notion but I believe it is true. I believe Red Sox fans may be the greatest 'current' fans around and I think they have earned that moniker. While it may be a tad fair weather, they have yet to drop their banner even after fielding what would be considered two sub-par teams the last two years (given the salary). But does this mean they are less annoying, and does it make those red and blue shirts any more out of place in my town? No, it doesn't.

My hats off to the "Sawx" fans that i'll see this evening and my heart felt thanks to the Oriole fans that I know still love this team. Maybe in 81 years it'll be our turn to one day go to Boston and have a nice old "Ohhh" in the middle of their national anthem. And everyone in the crowd can turn and say to each other "God I hate Oriole fans!".

A man can dream....

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Be There

baltimore's most fun smelly time - -

    forever yes, totally. 100% fucking yes forever.

    friday is the release show for SPIDERMAN OF THE RINGS!!! i am super excited as this this show should be totally killlllller. marking my narcissistic celebration is this epic lineup:



    now i heard while i was away there was a big brawl over people paying $5 for a warehouse show. what the fuck? i'm not going to get into it but this show IS $5. if you dont want to pay dont come, if you cant afford it email and ill cover you or we can work something out. shows cost money. enough with this garbage bullshit money talk. 1-900-490-FREAK. by the way this show will mark the two year anniversary of santa dads.

    see whats scammin from new york to LA, call now.


Monday, April 23, 2007

Soccer Moms Unite Again

Thank God for the fuckin pointless people that think up this shit.

"Metal Bats now Banned in NYC Youth Leagues"

First off, and just from a baseball logistics point of view, research has not shown that balls come off any less hard with wooden bats than metal. Now, while I don't believe this, it is still evidence that was supplied in lieu of the decision.
    Opponents argue that there is no scientific evidence proving metal bats pose a greater danger than wooden bats, and that the anti-metal movement relies on emotional anecdotes over concrete data. Some have said they plan to challenge the matter in court.

Second, baseball as itself is a struggling sport when it comes to the attraction of youth, especially inner-city youth. The reason metal bats were put into place to begin with was so that kids did not have to buy new bats throughout the year(s). If you implement a constantly breaking piece of equipment I doubt most kids will run out and buy a new 50$ bat every week. Thanks for killing NYC high school sports lady. Also, good luck trying to find a wooden bat a 10 year old can swing propely you dunce.

Third, I want to first say that I made it here today without wearing a biking helmet, while drinking off of the hose, not wearing a cup, playing football in the street, and playing with toy guns my entire life. As a matter of fact if my Mother had made me wear a helmet or enforced any sort of stringent rule upon me I may have turned out much less asjusted than I am now. I probably would be at home, scared of the sun, sitting at her feet and watching day time soap operas while trying to keep up on my Star Wars website.

Now you listen to me you fat, nothing to do, waste of fucking space soccer moms. And you listen good. If you don't want your children to play sports, then don't let them play. Let them join the track team or the intramural flag football competitions. But when you start to invade other children's lives with your irreverant need to feel as though you are saving "just one child" please remember that you are actually hurting the spirit of 1000's of children with your maternal order or bullshit. America is a society raised by women. It is a society that is becomming increasingly weak, scared, and full of strange rules like helmet wearing, and heart-guard wearing.

Understand that with each law like this you pass, you take away little by little, that which makes life interesting; the risk of actual life. Let me ask you a question... if you had to play flag football, with a nerf football in tennis shoes on a field with girls, do you think your adrenalin when winning or succeeding in that sport would be the same if you played in a more, let's say, brutal climate. I think not.

I hate when things like this happen. It is so very un-American.

Friday, April 20, 2007


Thursday, April 19, 2007

Feel Good Tune(s) of the Day

I wish Ted Leo wasn't such a Vegan....

Another one for you...

Opening Day

No - not that one. It is opening day at Pimlico. I might be playing hookie this afternoon and going to check out the most dereclictic area in the city.'s the grodiest. It may not be so gross today because it's opening day and there are 5 40K claimer races - but - on your average Tuesday in June - it's worth going just for the scent of failure.

Also Crystal Palace has released tickets for it's inaugural season. A special of 10 games for a $100 to watch the minor league former Champions League team, went on sale today. One of my fellow footie lovers and I have bought the seasons pass - - Devin Lynch is playing I heard...woohoo!

That is all. Have a great weekend - because tom. it looks as though I have to spend the day moving all my office equipment, servers, etc... so I don't know if I'll be online that much.

Craziest day ever - - ask if you want the story.

Also - Wilco tickets go on sale tom. at noon - just wanted to remind you so you could tell your boyfriend - who probably already has them in It's near your bday too so you can double up the fun.

Also this your completely "didn't need to see that" video clip of the day.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

With the Promise of a Man

Did I see you down
in a young girl's town
With your mother in so much pain?
I was almost there
at the top of the stairs
With her screamin' in the rain.

Did she wake you up
to tell you that
It was only a change of plan?
Dream up, dream up,
let me fill your cup
With the promise of a man.

Did I see you walking with the boys
Though it was not hand in hand?
And was some black face
in a lonely place
When you could understand?

Did she wake you up
to tell you that
It was only a change of plan?
Dream up, dream up,
let me fill your cup
With the promise of a man.

Will I see you give
more than I can take?
Will I only harvest some?
As the days fly past
will we lose our grasp
Or fuse it in the sun?

Did she wake you up
to tell you that
It was only a change of plan?
Dream up, dream up,
let me fill your cup
With the promise of a man.


Waiting for my evite....


    British rocker NOEL GALLAGHER will throw a "tyrants and despots" themed party to celebrate his upcoming 40th birthday. The Oasis singer, who will ring in his fourth decade on 29 May (07), is said to be planning the bash for which attendees have been asked to dress as historic autocrats in jest. A source says, "Noel has a brilliant but really dark sense of humour, as his plans show. It's going to be a mad, mad, night."

Seriously I should go - I think I deserve to go.

Speaking of Evites - I saw a bunch of your names on an evite I got today from someone named "Marta". It's at Hukas in Canton on Friday - - does anyone know who this person is or why I received this?

Monday, April 16, 2007

No More Really Dumb Slogan - in Britain Anyway

A few points I wanted to make:

1. I watched Borat this weekend and was really disappointed (as I was told I would be and had initially thought I would be). I wasn't that amped to see it in the first place but the forum that he chose could have been explored so much more responsibly - the new medium (reality hijinx to show a strange underbelly) for film he tried to display will more than likely end up tawdry. If he would have left out the cheap jokes revolving around shitting in a bush, jerking off to mannequins, and the naked fight was completely absurd then the movie could have had a more effective statement to make. I think the statement came out anyway - but it could have been profound - instead of what amounted to a good South Park episode or filming yourself pissing in the pool at the white house. I should have known it was bad when high school kids were quoting it everywhere I went.

2. Britain has ended the phrase "War on Terror" as it's official slogan to their meaningless alliance with our really ridiculous country. I always kin the slogan "War on Terror" with something like "The fight against time" or "The plan to keep bees from stinging." It's just something that would never come to resolve.

3. The shooting today is just horrific. I know I'm getting older because I'm starting to become more concerned / affected by tragedies like this. I did however roll my eyes a great deal when the anchor on MSNBC raised the "crucial" question of bringing in metal detectors into every doorway in every educational institution. Luckily someone smacked the fucking stupid out of her mouth and said "If they want to kill someone. They are going to - there is no realistic measure you can take against something like this." It is more important to cure us as a people than propose a cell for us to sit inside that has "safety" written over its entrance way.

Footballer #4

LB - Carlos
Striker - Zlatan
CB - Terry

Every great striker needs another striker to play off. For most great strikers you will see a man playing along side them with complimentary skills. Now, I'm pretty sure no one I know knows Craig Bellamy. Why don't you know him? Well because he is the ultimate unselfish, trash goal player. Bellamy much like one of my other favorites of all times Paul Dickov is just there to be a gnat.

His motor will never stop and he is usually good for a yellow card a game. These type of players play best along side big men who clog up the middle allowing them to roam the outside of the box and pick up trash goals around the goal. For every Van Nistelroy, Crouch, Samaras, Henry, Koller and Morales, there is a Bellamy, Rooney, Van Persie, Robinho etc... There is a gnat. So to Zlatan I'll take the man with most gumption and fire I've seen on the pitch in some time in that likes of Craig Bellamy.

Now for my legend of the day I'll go to the concesus greatest European ever to play the game according to the FIFA 100 list and Beckenbauer. I am talking of the man that would be our Michael Jordan or Babe Ruth. He is said to be the closest thing beauty ever had to a definition on the soccer pitch. His name is Johan Cruijff (Croyf).

Many people say Johan Cruijff was a product of one of the greatest football system ever invented in "Total Football". The idea was that you could move players around from one position to another, fluidly, while not losing the structure of the team. This would seriously confuse defenses and markers that were once spotting Cruijff at center forward suddenly found him playing center back. Cruijff's signature backheal move was said to be, outside of the Brazilian game, the first real usage of a "trick" or a "deek". You will also notice in the video that Cruijff was one of the first pioneers of curling the ball and an art now gone in "toeing" dips over walls and long running wingers.

You will not hear of legends like Cruijff because his goals, much like Bergkamp's are thought to be more beautiful then memorable and the Netherlands never won the world cup under him as he bounced from team to team. However, his ability to adapt with punishing and finessing finishes are said to still be incomparable to athletes of even today.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Fist of Vapor

Living in the shadow
Of someone else's life ranks
Right up there with
Oh I don't know - being stabbed,
Puking your own shit, or even
Falling in someone else's for
That matter.

A tangled mess of lies and back alley
Who do I trust?
Who should I not hurt?
I can't take a chance on him.
I love the other.

After a certain point in any
Professional lover's life
They have expired to the status
'No Use What-so-ever'
There just isn't enough Earth to
Safely drop that much baggage
from the sky.

I have no desire to continue
In anything other than a glove
or hammer.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Top 10 Reasons the O's Might Not Make the Playoffs

It's only been 3 games - but here we go...

10. Number 45 . . . who are you, and what have you done with Erik?
9. Cabrera's move to first: 15.3 seconds.
8. Wright ain't right, and Millar ain't a pillar of a hitter.
7. O's #1 pinch hitter: Bynum.
6. In retrospect, modeling this year's team on the 1988 O's was probably a mistake.
5. Bedard's ERA: 11.57 . . . Wright's ERA: 15.43 . . . R.Lopez's ERA: 1.29 . . . Bruce Chen's ERA: 0.00.
4. Best hitter on the O's bench: Terry Crowly.
3. Team .606 OPS would actually be pretty good for a top defensive third-string catcher.
2. No, no, no, that is NOT a wounded rhinoceros staggering about in left field.
1. Pitching and defense win ball games . . . dang.

My Baltimore Food

I am not a culinary wizard. These are the places I enjoy eating. I got the idea from Teri. She has some places and things on there I've never tried. Good list.

Aldo's - Tournedos Rossini(best single dish in town) (get the cheese cups as well)
Boccaccio's - Veal Chop (2nd best)
Ruth's Chris - Porter House
Regi's - Meat Loaf
Clayton's - Filet wrapped in Pancetta with Cranberry Chutney
Thai Landing - Drunken Noodles (not on menu - just order 'em)
Tapas Teatro - Cheese Bean Fritters
MaGerk's - The McGerk Cheese Steak
Mick O'Sheas - Bangers and Mash (when it's snap pea night...)
Dionysus - Burger with Proscuttio, and Gouda
Joun Gak - Kelbi Sal
New York Fried Chicken - New York Fried Chicken Breasts (3)
Tir Na Nog - Ham and Cheese (it's oddly elegant)
Brewer's Art - Duck breast (best duck ever!)
Owl bar - Onion Soup
Slainte - Box Tie Breakfast
Chaps - Pit Beef and Ham
Waterfront - Eggs Hammy (the one with pit Ham) / Any Quesadea (not the turkey brie one though)
Viccino's - Best Pizza in Town
Liam's Little Bar - Shepard's Pie (only thing on the menu)
7-11 down the street - Revive Vitamin Water, Advil packet, and pack of Parliament lights.
Cross Street Market - Salt Ar (sp?) Oysters, 1 Pound of Coors Light Steamed Shrimp
Midtown Yacht Club - Taco Salad
Cork's - The Risotto Special

Where I recommend not ever eating:

Overrated and overpriced: McCormick and Schmicks, Obrycki's, Rusty Scupper, Chiaperelli's, Sabatino's (unless it's 2am), Burke's, Da Mimmo's, Valeggia's

Footballer #3

#1 - Roberto Carlos
#2 - Zlatan Ibrahimavich

Today we look at the back line once more and go to Chelsea's John Terry. John Terry is pretty much the concensus best defender in England. He plays for the best team in Chelsea, and he is captain of the England team. However, John Terry gets my vote, not just for great skill or defensive scoring knack. John Terry gets my vote because in this day and age of flopping players, and dive taking defensive backs, alotted with crying, whimpering little men, there is the undeniable presense of the warrior that is John Terry. I've seen him take boots to the face, score without a shoe, play with a broken arm, and play with a twisted and battered body.

Now, Americans will say "So what. Football and hockey players do it all the time." I wish I could say something to make you believe me on how tough some soccer players are, but I doubt that I could. Just trust me in that professional European soccer is no joke when it comes to pain, endurance, and determination through both.

If there was man I wanted back there to protect my goal 1 v 1 against the best strikers in the world, it would be John Terry.

Now onto the legend. In many arenas, other than Maldini (because he started playing for both national and club at 15 yrs old), Franz Beckenbauer is the pinnacle of a defensive soccer God. He was nicknamed the Kaiser and he played like a man in charge of every victory. He guided German through their golden years of pure dominance.

He was another center back that could score and he may have been the greatest player Europe ever produced.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Post Secret

This one is great. Don't let that throw you off - I still loathe the site.

Baltimore Club Music

I don't know if anyone out there is aware of this, but Baltimore has one of America's last unique local brands of music. Over the years of non-progression and non-change spurred by Cajmere's "Percolator" Baltimore developed a club music sound completely it's own.

Back in the early 90's Baltimore was without a radio station that played rap and club music. We had 95.9 and 95.5 but they were dedicated to Al Green and slow jams. In 1990 92Q was born and all hell broke loose throughout the city and county. Frank Ski and Big Tony would play about 8 songs for every 8 hours. It was a heavy rotation of Wrex n Efex and Whitney Houston but then at night - - at night these two DJ's would come in and spin what was a strange mix of electronic, club, beat, and pop music. They had developed their own genre of music; "Baltimore Club"

I think that the songs really took off because they asked for participation from the crowd. "Put your hands up.", "Blow your whistle". " Let me see you..."

For me it all started with Doo Doo Brown:

The key to identifying Baltimore club music is the lack of base and the repetition of lyric.

This video with the Baltimore club music and our lovely street cameras is easily my fave - make sure you watch this.

Anyway - just wanted to let everyone know that we have our own brand of club music down here. And if you are in Baltimore and you see the hardest man in the world listening to Doo Doo Brown, don't snicker because it sounds weak, just remember you are in Baltimore and here - it doesn't get harder than Doo Doo

This page will give you some more history of Baltimore Club Music

You can read an official statement of Baltimore Club music here from Wiki. This was just my own county boy interpretation of what I see and hear.

Shows Tonight and Manana

Tonight at the Ottobar: Xiu Xiu w/ other goofy acts. But Xiu Xiu is the reason to go. It is openly homosexual, electronic, somehow serious, artistic show that might really move you. I don't know if I'm gonna go because they won't go on until 12 - but I mean shit. I'm only young for so long.

This is my fave song of theirs: Clown Town

And here is their newer single - Boy Soprano: it's not bad.

And then Friday night you have the funniest lineup ever at the Ottobar. If you want to see the funniest, yet serious, yet jokingest show ever... check out Dan Deacon and Cex play Friday night. I've never seen so many pretentious people rock out with no lame fear. It will be fun I assure you - if you let yourself go.

Check him....

This song actually gets a lot of play at MICA house parties I bet: That's his audience - that and the people who just HANG OUT at Sound Garden.

And here is Towson's finest: CEX. I saw Cex once open for...Doug was there. I can't even remember but I remember seeing him and then wanting to throw a brick at him until he took off his clothes and screamed "I'm from bmore motherfuckers!". I sort of let him slide and instead went to the bathroom. But from what I understand now he doesn't take himself too seriously anymore and is a much better performer.

Yeah I found a video of "throw a brick at him!" CEX. This is what that one show was like - I hope he doesn't rock this motif again.

Footballer #2

So far we have:
LB: Roberto Carlos

Today we are going upfront so as not to bore you. There is a Swede that I find to be one of the most charismatic, original, and graceful players to grace the pitch today. I am speaking of the great goal scoring machine Zlatan Ibrahimović. You can just call him Zlatan. He is originally from Bosnia but plays for Sweden and considers himself a true Swede.

This is the goal that made him catch the eyes and ears of the world as it was voted best goal of the year. The beauty in which he plays is so wonderful because of his size. He is almost 6'4" and move like Maradona. Most classic strikers are small and can cut and duck through defenses. Zlatan uses grace and thought to slice apart defenses. I wouldn't dream of having a "best of" team without him.

This is a nice piece from Joga that they did about Zlatan before the World Cup. It's well produced.

This is a longer 10 minute "Best of Zlatan" video - If you watch it you will see that around the 4 minutes mark that Zlatan becomes the Zlatan that I think I like the most. He is about as gritty, competitive, and borderline dirty as anyone. If you do watch that and you think some shots are cheap just remember that what goes around comes around and I guarantee you a dominant player like Zlatan gets hacker 10x more than he does the hacking.

Zlatan became one of my favorites right before the World Cup. I used to watch Juventus play before the scandal. I had never seen a more graceful scorer.

Since we are focusing on a scorer like Zlatan I would like to compare him to an equally great scorer, also tall and graceful, and from the Nederlander area. Even though he only retired 2 years ago he has been a legend for 10 or more. I am speaking about Dennis Bergkamp

Dennis Bergkamp is the Godfather of big man grace. Watching him score was almost like watching an older child tease a younger one. He didn't fire the ball at 100 mph, instead Bergkamp would chip from 22 yards out or flick from 9. He was not so much a goal machine as he was an artist to the game. He isn't exceedingly high up on most top 100 footballers or all time lists but I regard him as the J.D. Salinger of football. Not a ton of goals, but the one's that were scored...really counted.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Best Worst Song in the World

It'll brighten up your day - I guarantee it.

11 Favorite Footballers

Since the soccer bug has stung very few of you I am going to put together a list of my top 10 favorite footballers to show you some of the beauty that the game brings. These aren't necessarily the "best" players as much as they are my favorites. I am not going back to the days of Pele or Cruiff so no need to look at little shorts and good hair - although George Best is my lifetime player/manager. All of these players you can see today - although I would love to squeeze Beckenbauer in - nothing is better than that Kraut.

We are going to play an old school 4-3-1-2 and starting at left back is my first player:

Roberto Carlos is renowned as one of the greatest free kick takers of all time. He plays for both Brazil in international ball and for Real Madrid in club ball. He is one of only 3 players to play in 100 Champions league games. Left back is naturally a defensive feeding position but Roberto Carlos' speed and power make him one of the most prolific defensive scorers ever. Spotlighted for his scoring Carlos is also a tenacious defender and averages 3 red cards and 10 yellows a year. He has been the spine of the Brazilian team since 1998.

The 2nd "best" goal on the video above is considered by many the greatest free kick ever scored.

So there is my number 1 player that I would build a team around. My left back you say? I'll tell you what - I'll take a player that can shut someone down and score from 30 yards out while running the lines any day over a center half or dominating forward.

Also I'll leave you with one legend for every current player I put up. Today's legend is the amazing fucking Rock n' Roll Irishman (northern) George Best. George Best was so iconic he has an airport named after him in Belfast, the Wedding Present named an album after him, and on the cover of Oasis' first album, Definitely Maybe you can see a picture of George Best (not iconic but it's cool).

They say that no one had wept over a sports figure in England the way they wept when George Best passed away. He was one of the working class and suffered from huge problems with drugs and alcohol. He was personable and humble to those around him and like most of the great one's we love so much, he handled fame with confusion, humility and ultimately succumbing to it's weight. He was very human but he was a God on the pitch.

It's set to the Beatles music - so even if you could give a shit at least it plays the Beatles. Watch the move at the 3:40 mark and you'll know why Georgie Best was so loved.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Married with Children

The Mack

There is an amazing movie that I had never seen until last week. That movie is called "The Mack".

At first glance The Mack is just a poor man's Scarface, and is even referenced as Blaxploitation . It often gets discarded and made fun of for it's awful production and over the top story line that reads like something out of a Fielding novel (but in modern day black America). But, if you really look closer at the Mack it's about black poetry, power, and culture. It reverse roles the culture to play against itself. It creates a strange paradox of perception relating to that side of black culture.

I think with Scarface they wanted to tell a Horatio Alger type story. I just don't think Scarface had any soul. The Mack is the same kind of rags to riches story but in between there is constant dialogue about the rules of the street, and the unfairness of the game. Think to yourself about an unpolished scene that preceded Lawrence Fishburn's famous diatribe about gun stores, liquor, and self-destruction in Boyz n' the Hood. The Mack runs circles around the dialogue of Scarface.

I'm not saying the Mack is great cinema but it has it's moments. Don't take it too seriously. But see if in the clip below you can tell that it's much more than just a hit and run gangster/pimp flick.

Plus the movie has Richard Pryor in it!!! Did you know who bank rolled Richard Pryor's first album? Huey P. Newton and Ishmael Reed rolled it. Richard had to be into some heavy shit and I doubt at that point in his career with the voice he had and his own convictions that he would do something that he thought taudry (even if later in life he did do "Moving").

    I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, "I wanna grow up and be a critic."
    - Richard Pryor

The movie itself is based off of Frank Ward, reputed Pimp and drug dealer in the early 70's. He lived the high life but was brought down in the end just like Goldie by having his head blown off. It is speculated that the Black Panthers killed Frank Ward in real life.

Goldie is played by Max Julien, who was also courted by Tarrentino to play Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction but I can see no trace of him doing anything in film after the Mack.

I don't claim that the Mack is a cornerstone of fine cinema, nor do I believe that a large effort to bring about a social message was ingested into the belly of it's producers and made to be birthed via this medium. What I do think is that the Blaxploitation movies of the 70's have a specific flavor to them, much like Kung Fu movies, that can be perceived for more than just a laugh by white college kids sitting around watching them while smoking pot and thinking they are hard or cool.

I think these kinds of movies have a certain boxing beauty to them. There is a way in which they spread out over the course of the film like a blanket. It is difficult to explain because I'm sure this feeling is different with everyone but if you ever get a chance to watch a movie of this genre, try to keep an open mind about the people that made it, who they made it for, and why they made it. I think you'll see it in a different way.

And for shits and giggles I included this unrelated short film making fun of the Juggernaut in true Blaxploitation fashion.

Monday, April 02, 2007


What do you guys think about me doing a Junior Varsity Meat Market but for myspace - because people like this - should be crushed -


Many of you have heard my undying love for the insane creation that is Peaches. I however have never really provided you with any video or songs of my girl Peaches.

Be ready for the revolution:

Boys Wanna be Her

Fuck the Pain Away (live)

Set if Off (NSFW)

I'm the Kinda

Now some people will tell you that Peaches has no musical talent but I beg to differ and say that Peaches is exactly what bullshit music should be. If you are going to try to convince me of the star staying musical talent of most "made" pop stars I'll have to do everything to control my laughter. At least peaches knows she has no real musical talent (maybe a beat or two) but instead just goes out there and pisses in your lunch box and sends you off to school saying "Enjoy your music dear". I adore her.


"TIKI TAKA!" - for my non-futbol fans - that's the Spanish host signature call. Much like that fat faced, luckiest man on earth, self-promoter John Madden has "boom", this guy has Tiki Taka - which with Soccer seems to work better as the emotion of the goal seems to carry out for about 30 seconds after the score.

Even though Messi is the next Maradona - the 2nd goal (and even though THAT was offsides) is just unbelievable- 4 one touches in 3 seconds. Barca is the crack rock of soccer.

On another foot - City defeats Newcastle to secure their place out of relegation but not in any hopes of Euro football. City will lose Distin this off season and no replace him. The man scoring the goal is Mpensa - yet another in a long line of stop-gap, dike fillers for Manchester City. Anyway - they won - - CITAY!


Favorites List
Pandora Song List
Amazon Wish List
Revolutionary Wealth - Tofflers
Brian Jones

Things Making Me Smile
The City
Listening - [out of 5]
Benjy Ferree - 4.8
The Thermals 3.1
David Gray 3.8

Like the guy with the beard? YES - like the guy with the beers. What? Yep

Bands That I Check Schedules For
Badly Drawn Boy
Belle and Sebastian
Benjy Ferree
The Black Keys
Drive By Truckers
The Eels
Kimya Dawson
Mark Hopkins Band
Iron and Wine
Mates of State
Ted Leo
Two if By Sea

Places I Rock in the Flesh
9:30 Club
Black Cat
Electric Factory
The Knitting Factory
The Otto Bar
Recher Theatre

Places I Eat/Drink in the Flesh
Bishop's Collar
Cross Street Market
Hull Street
Joun Gak
Mick O'Shea's
No Way Jose
The Irish Pub
The Waterfront Hotel

My Greatest Hits (that's so lame)

The time I almost killed a child
July 4th in Korea
Excerpts from Demian
Why I screen phone calls
Bret's Death Metal Report
A conversation at a cocktail party
A conversation at breakfast
So you think you are a Baltimorian
A conversation about a girl singer
Observations from a bar
Observations of strippers
Tech Language
Why I love Oasis
I would go to war
"You Son of a Bitch" An Open Letter to Tom Friend
Dance to Your Ocean
Dream Ranch
When men become pussies
Jason Whitlock is a racist propaganda promoter
Pitchfork takes music snobbery to new level
The Cosmic Clash of the Red Sox and Cubs
The Hatred that is Runts Candy
Starting corporate line-up
Google Bio
Do you know me? List 1 / List 2 / List 3
The Night I Burned Philly Down
So You Want to be a Booze Hound
She Said it was Free
Funniest Corporate Story Ever
Striped Shirts and the Fucks that Wear Them
Death Peddle
Pieces of Morning
Oasis Album Revew
The Art of Tipping
Starting Fires With Grass Stains
Bret's Federal Hill Food Review
Sexcapades and your Picture on the Internet
Stupid Secrets
Stupid Secrets the Return

Contact Me

Stuff I Swing By From Time to Time

Indie Video Archive
Large Hearted Boy
Important Records
Oasis News
Pitch Fork Media
Reptilian Records
Scenestars MP3 Blogs
Sound Garden Baltimore

Shotgun Apparel
Warrior Clothing

Angry Little Girls
Atom Films
Eye Envision
Homestar Runner
Kill Frog
Junior Varsity Meat Market

Baltimore City Paper
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Calvert Hall
Degroen's Brewers
ESL Cafe
Fantasy Sports
Korean Herald
Villa Julie College Baseball
W3 Schools

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