Thursday, November 26, 2020
Thanks
Be thankful you’re still alive and that anyone will talk to you.
You’re an asshole.
Get over yourself.
Also - I love my children - lol - I don’t have any excuse with them. Be better. Be something they’re proud of - not some sad punk.
Wednesday, November 25, 2020
Dirt to dust
Till the field
hard with both
hands.
Bloody blisters
pop.
Spit.
Lick.
Run the tender raw patch along your pants -
the kind of rub where the fingers point
out
and the palm greases your denim with
the claret from the skin.
A little dirt smells good
in your nose.
When you grow up poor
dirt - wet dirt feels like home.
It feels alive.
You can taste how far it's
not supposed to come to
meet you.
You can sense that it
was in your blood once.
Irish, German, old, death
Scared.
To work that hand
to the dirt
mix with blood
but move fiercely
should result - in dust.
Dust that doesn't taste
like anything more
than failure.
Intrepid
There is a pace
to the time you
spend
looking out to take your
love with you.
That pace is dictated
by a clock
in your body
ticking down
to nonsense time.
That time in your body
meant to
spare the world
the pit
of your deep eyes
walking out of the room.
I went long,
I cut your intention
off at the intrepid
point of no return
and then I turned around
deep eyes, no time, lost pace.
It all fell down -
in a heap on the ground.
Because I let it.
I stopped caring.
I can't start.
I don't care to.
I lost.
Thanksgiving
Well this year was interesting. What do I have to give thanks for? Well -
1. I have 3 healthy children who seem happy and are maturing into very interesting people.
2. I have been given a chance to be happy.
3. I am still able to provide for my family.
4. I feel better about myself - or at least see a path to - everyday.
That's about it. My Mom is still alive and doing well and enjoying her time with the Grandchildren. That's nice to see - she's earned that pleasure.
I had a weird fantasy today about dying. I imagined what it would be like to be diagnosed with something that was incurable and inoperable. And oddly I felt great calm with making a decision to just fade away. It's a weird thing to live like that - but I imagine a lot of people do. I imagine many people want to be alone at the end and maybe they don't have that option. Maybe they don't want to be surrounded by anything fake or insincere. That would be the most heart breaking thing for me - would be to see that I never really truly meant anything to anyone. And that's how I feel all the time - but that's on me - that's not on anyone else - that's just what I live with... because it's my own neurosis and pain. But - there's something about that finality - that peace that I could have being isolated - it's something I've always looked for and to be honest when my mind wandered there - it didn't feel the least bit awkward. It felt soothing.
Tuesday, November 17, 2020
Head space
I don't even know how to control my own headspace anymore. All I do is try to get through the day - as best I can. My mind is slipping back towards the ideas I don't like. I have very little control over what I can and can't do or what I can and can't think right now. I have to focus on getting healthy and strong again. I can't get distracted with negativity - I just don't have any room for it in my life. Things are already so stressful that - I have to block all of it out and focus on getting through the day and then on the next day getting stronger and healthier and better.
Don't look for a break. Don't look for anyone to care. Don't worry about anything but your kids. You have to be strong. Because you're a piece of shit. Get up. Move.
Monday, November 16, 2020
Never more alone
My head hurts. It has hurt now for 10 days. It won't stop banging against the bones in my face. My stomach churns over and over again when I eat or move. I have a metallic taste in my mouth all day. I have no appetite - I have no desire to move or be energetic. I am now concerned with how I feel - I've never had an illness like this. I sweat and run a fever. I have no idea if it's covid. I have no idea if it's something else. I do know that I am alone - and that I'm 41 - and to be honest... I'm tired of living this way.
Monday, November 09, 2020
Tic Toc
I am absent today
Devoid of form
Or purpose.
I’m losing something
Every passing minute
That I am without.
This circle will not close.
It shall remain
Unhealed,
Unkept,
And tied to the
Anchor of my
Weighted eyelids.
As with every passing minute
There comes a passage
That I am without.
Books and winks
Strewn across swatches
Of good intentions -
Mixed with
Embarrassing foibles.
They limp, tied like a balloon
That lifts my breath
With every passing minute
That I am without.
Intrepid passages
Have not crossed
My desires to be
Without.
