I Kan't SpellI take everything personal Ya know - for someone that is so nasty and negative and moody as I am. Why do I get surprised when people don’t want to be around you? I’ve ruined my life because I’m so jaded and cynical. Even simple pleasures I find annoying - because I’m a fuckin asshole. Good Days I can’t remember the last good day I had. I’m not talking a celebratory day or some kind of “vacation” day. I’m just talking a day where I don’t have terrible thoughts about what life means or worse what my life means. Ya know - sooner or later you’re just going to have to get over it or move to a place where you can expect sympathy as a release. I think you’ll find that without a sympathetic ear you’ll either get more cynical or stop being a fuckin drama king. Get over yourself. It’s what you would tell someone else. I see other people Do you remember the movie 6th sense? If so, you remember the line “I see dead people.” I’m getting close to unplugging from social media because all I see are people having fun. Being around friends. I see them going to events and places. I don’t talk to anyone I know from 10 years ago. Well not anyone but 98% of them. I’m pretty sure that makes me sad because I’m writing about it. But I’m also pretty sure I have to reconcile the idea that I’m not stupid. I don’t see the upside in many things. I don’t see the ritual for more than it is - Anyway - I see a shrink this week. Talking to Hannah helps. Talking to Eric helps. Talking to Jedd and jer helps. I’m hoping the shrink will help be a bit more concise and actionable around the fact that I’m struggling - I’m acutely aware of my struggle and I just can’t shake out of it - exercise, no alcohol, money - nothing shakes it. Miss you I’ve become way too comfortable reconciling that I have no one close to me in my life. Tonight for example - friends that I know gathered and we talked about death - we talked about dying and funerals in a joking way... it was far too comfortable to assume - and everyone assumed - that not one person would show up at my funeral and no one would care or want to have anything to do with me. I didn’t feel that way about anyone else - but they all had no problem making that joke at my expense. That’s ok. I just wish I wasn’t so comfortable with the idea that my life will never be celebrated or missed. Ya know what they say though - you have to get what you give - and I must not give anything at all. Because I’m 99% sure I’m going to die alone... and it just may be by subconscious design. Never gonna change ... is the title of one of my favorite Drive by Truckers songs. Oddly the song is about being tough from the south. I’m the opposite. I’m weak from the north. I get pushed around. I have no spine. Nothing changes. It’s just a battle of attrition of who could care less most days. And they play a mean game. But - I can’t get any smaller than I am now. I’m a pathetic excuse for a husband, father, and man. And everyone lets me know it everyday. And that is 100% my fault - I just didn’t realize there were no teams in real life - there’s just... waiting until it’s all over. To be Someone ...must be a wonderful thing. How does one get over one's self? Dearest children, In your life you're going to have to make some decisions on the balance of being what you think is "right" and also doing the "right thing". Once you take your first psych class - and BTW - I hope you enjoy it as much as I did - you'll realize that most humans at their core are not sympathetic or empathetic to your logic, reasoning, or intent. They only see their own plight and how it effects them. This will lead you to a battle of wills - a battle that almost always has no winner. My advice is to try to save your soul while acquiescing as much as possible. Strength often comes from submission and the testament to your own inner strength. Some of the happiest most effective leaders serve others as opposed to themselves. I would search that path. Read Siddartha. How you know... ive know this for a long time - but heres how you know people dont care about you youre not in any pictures nobody invites you anywhere the only reason youre around is you serve a purpose as a prop or you have money its all your fault though. not everyone is an asshole - chances are youre an asshole and get treated as such but you should know - and i know - - and ill never be able to change because i am a pathetic self loathing, self pity, boorish, loud clown - so i know that no one cares about me - and thats life Ebb and flow dont wait until its too late in life to tell someone that you hate them im trying to keep up w this writing. i have good ideas during the day and tben the idea slips away. ill get better - the discipline will continue Sometimes you don't want to forget certain things Life is full of tumble The way you fall Most of the days frayed Means time, means intent Makes the difference Adolescent fumblings No great edge here No great plan Just a tumble Just a fumble A life parked in 4th gear A fool fooling himself Because he didn't jump Hey Jude A little joy today - break in the clouds. I played mastermind w my son - looked at Ella as the growing young lady she is becoming and sang hey Jude to my daughter. Erin and I almost exchanged a conversation to break our icy last x amount of days. I feel good physically - I like being past 10 days of no alcohol and better food - I feel like I can push from here. Day 4 I’m consistently amazed by my children’s ability to love me and forgive or forget. Children are truly wonderful people - I feel like I squander so much time w them because of my inability to be mature or patient. They feel the sharp end of all my failures in my personal life and that’s just terrible. And now I’m afraid it’s conscious. Day 3 Just trying to jot down thoughts - Energy level is low this morning. Day 2 I’ve not had a drink in 10 days. And that makes me sound like an alcoholic but as you get older you realize that alcohol can mess you up - especially when you’ve abused it for 20 plus years. But I’m writing right now because I’m crying - in the middle of the day - alone watching a star is born - and not because it’s sad but because I’m sad. I’ve had every opportunity to feel something great - or share something great - or put myself out front and naked - but I haven’t. I hide. I’m jaded. I’m cynical - and I’m lazy. And I’m a coward towards everything in my life. I cant remember the last time I did anything honestly. I can’t remember being anything but miserable - and I’m miserable because I chose to be. Everyone around me just wants me to be happy but all I do is find the worst motives in their intentions - not the best. And I’m sick over it. From my phone at least I wanted to start writing. I failed. I wanted to be a better father. I failed. I wanted to be a better husband. I failed miserably. I wanted to be a better colleague. I failed. I wanted to take care of my body. I failed. I wanted to read more. I failed. Over the last 6 months all I’ve done is fail pathetically. My level of anxiety and depression are reaching new lows. It’s nobodies fault but mine. I just don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to improve or get out of my own way. Getting old isn’t for the weak I’ll tell you that. I’m so very alone and it’s all my fault - I have absolutely 0 charisma or charm anymore - I’m barely interesting and often just a boorish slob of a human. I treat everyone with contempt and disdain and it brings nothing back to me but loneliness and hostility. Anyway - I wrote today. That’s a good start. Maybe I’ll write tomorrow. Maybe it’ll be different. Maybe I’ll do something great. | Favorites List Pandora Song List Amazon Wish List Reading Revolutionary Wealth - Tofflers Brian Jones Things Making Me Smile The City Newness Listening - [out of 5] Benjy Ferree - 4.8 The Thermals 3.1 David Gray 3.8 Quote(S) Like the guy with the beard? YES - like the guy with the beers. What? Yep Bands That I Check Schedules For Badly Drawn Boy Belle and Sebastian Benjy Ferree The Black Keys Deerhoof Drive By Truckers The Eels Enon Kimya Dawson Mark Hopkins Band Oasis Iron and Wine Mates of State Ted Leo Travis Two if By Sea Ween Places I Rock in the Flesh 9:30 Club Black Cat Electric Factory Fletcher's 8x10 The Knitting Factory The Otto Bar Recher Theatre Sonar Places I Eat/Drink in the Flesh Aldo's Bishop's Collar Boccacio's Cross Street Market Hull Street Joun Gak Mick O'Shea's No Way Jose Porter's The Irish Pub Turner's The Waterfront Hotel My Greatest Hits (that's so lame) The time I almost killed a child July 4th in Korea Excerpts from Demian Why I screen phone calls Bret's Death Metal Report A conversation at a cocktail party A conversation at breakfast So you think you are a Baltimorian A conversation about a girl singer Observations from a bar Observations of strippers Tech Language Why I love Oasis I would go to war "You Son of a Bitch" An Open Letter to Tom Friend Dance to Your Ocean Dream Ranch When men become pussies Jason Whitlock is a racist propaganda promoter Pitchfork takes music snobbery to new level The Cosmic Clash of the Red Sox and Cubs The Hatred that is Runts Candy Starting corporate line-up Google Bio Do you know me? List 1 / List 2 / List 3 The Night I Burned Philly Down So You Want to be a Booze Hound She Said it was Free Funniest Corporate Story Ever Striped Shirts and the Fucks that Wear Them Death Peddle NEW!!! Pieces of Morning Oasis Album Revew The Art of Tipping Starting Fires With Grass Stains Bret's Federal Hill Food Review Sexcapades and your Picture on the Internet Stupid Secrets Stupid Secrets the Return Contact Me Stuff I Swing By From Time to Time - MUSIC Donewaiting.com hive3.com Indie Video Archive Large Hearted Boy Important Records Oasis News Pitch Fork Media Reptilian Records Scenestars MP3 Blogs Sound Garden Baltimore - BUY Aloud.com Pre-Shrunk Shotgun Apparel Warrior Clothing - HUMOR Angry Little Girls Atom Films Eye Envision Homestar Runner Kill Frog Junior Varsity Meat Market - PERSONAL Baltimore City Paper The Baltimore Sun Calvert Hall Degroen's Brewers ESL Cafe Fantasy Sports Korean Herald Villa Julie College Baseball W3 Schools Archives 06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003 09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003 10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003 11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003 12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007 10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008 01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008 02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008 03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008 05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008 07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008 08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008 09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008 10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008 12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009 01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009 02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009 03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009 04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009 05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009 07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009 11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010 02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010 03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010 04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010 06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010 07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010 08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010 10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010 11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010 12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011 02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011 03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011 04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011 05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011 06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011 12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012 01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012 07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012 08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012 10/01/2012 - 11/01/2012 11/01/2012 - 12/01/2012 01/01/2013 - 02/01/2013 04/01/2013 - 05/01/2013 06/01/2013 - 07/01/2013 07/01/2013 - 08/01/2013 08/01/2013 - 09/01/2013 09/01/2013 - 10/01/2013 10/01/2013 - 11/01/2013 11/01/2013 - 12/01/2013 12/01/2013 - 01/01/2014 01/01/2014 - 02/01/2014 02/01/2014 - 03/01/2014 03/01/2014 - 04/01/2014 04/01/2014 - 05/01/2014 05/01/2014 - 06/01/2014 06/01/2014 - 07/01/2014 07/01/2014 - 08/01/2014 08/01/2014 - 09/01/2014 10/01/2014 - 11/01/2014 11/01/2014 - 12/01/2014 12/01/2014 - 01/01/2015 01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015 02/01/2015 - 03/01/2015 03/01/2015 - 04/01/2015 04/01/2015 - 05/01/2015 05/01/2015 - 06/01/2015 06/01/2015 - 07/01/2015 07/01/2015 - 08/01/2015 08/01/2015 - 09/01/2015 10/01/2015 - 11/01/2015 11/01/2015 - 12/01/2015 12/01/2015 - 01/01/2016 01/01/2016 - 02/01/2016 03/01/2016 - 04/01/2016 06/01/2016 - 07/01/2016 07/01/2016 - 08/01/2016 08/01/2016 - 09/01/2016 10/01/2016 - 11/01/2016 11/01/2016 - 12/01/2016 02/01/2017 - 03/01/2017 03/01/2017 - 04/01/2017 04/01/2017 - 05/01/2017 05/01/2017 - 06/01/2017 07/01/2017 - 08/01/2017 08/01/2017 - 09/01/2017 10/01/2017 - 11/01/2017 01/01/2018 - 02/01/2018 05/01/2018 - 06/01/2018 07/01/2018 - 08/01/2018 08/01/2018 - 09/01/2018 10/01/2018 - 11/01/2018 11/01/2018 - 12/01/2018 12/01/2018 - 01/01/2019 01/01/2019 - 02/01/2019 02/01/2019 - 03/01/2019 03/01/2019 - 04/01/2019 07/01/2019 - 08/01/2019 08/01/2019 - 09/01/2019 03/01/2020 - 04/01/2020 05/01/2020 - 06/01/2020 09/01/2020 - 10/01/2020 10/01/2020 - 11/01/2020 11/01/2020 - 12/01/2020 12/01/2020 - 01/01/2021 01/01/2021 - 02/01/2021 03/01/2021 - 04/01/2021 04/01/2021 - 05/01/2021 05/01/2021 - 06/01/2021 06/01/2021 - 07/01/2021 07/01/2021 - 08/01/2021 08/01/2021 - 09/01/2021 09/01/2021 - 10/01/2021 10/01/2021 - 11/01/2021 11/01/2021 - 12/01/2021 01/01/2022 - 02/01/2022 03/01/2022 - 04/01/2022 05/01/2022 - 06/01/2022 06/01/2022 - 07/01/2022 07/01/2022 - 08/01/2022 08/01/2022 - 09/01/2022 09/01/2022 - 10/01/2022 11/01/2022 - 12/01/2022 09/01/2023 - 10/01/2023 10/01/2023 - 11/01/2023 11/01/2023 - 12/01/2023 12/01/2023 - 01/01/2024 01/01/2024 - 02/01/2024 02/01/2024 - 03/01/2024 03/01/2024 - 04/01/2024 04/01/2024 - 05/01/2024 05/01/2024 - 06/01/2024 06/01/2024 - 07/01/2024 07/01/2024 - 08/01/2024 08/01/2024 - 09/01/2024 09/01/2024 - 10/01/2024 11/01/2024 - 12/01/2024 |