I Kan't SpellPeg's New Name Ok so we all knew that I was going to have to name the tattoo. I nickname everything. I don't think there is one person I know that I haven't given a nickname too...hell some people have 4 or 5. And most appliances in my house have a nickname. But the name of my tattoo is "Marengo". That was the name of Napoleon's horse. Although his horse was white, I felt it fit considering my short stature and field general mentatlity. So...to Marengo! The Tat is On and I am Out I'll be in NYC for the extended weekend. That tattoo looks incredible. I love it more than anything. Woohoo! 1 Union Square I Found some good links on the msytery that is the hand, the steam, the moon, and the clock. It's definately in depth. Hope you boys enjoy this. The msytery can be laid to rest. Short Cheesy Thing Artist Web Page Here we go Holy Macromedia Love Have you seen this "Breeze" thing. The topic is about trackback and XML and stuff. But the load time, and the interface is just love. This thing rules! Going Up The price of industry and scholarly magazines are apparently going to shoot up. One of the most sage pieces of advice I ever received from my father is that the future is already around. All you have to do is read industry and scholarly magazines. Then watch what companies the Gov't buys and then jump on the wagon. I haven't seen many trends that that advice has molded to. Anyway, buy more scholarly magazines people! A Damn Good Idea This post is basically about altering IQ. I like this guy's writing. Take your IQ and then add in different ingrediants like, "How many times I get angry/lazy/stupid/...." I'll let your read it. My titles are really starting to slip by the way. Well Now We are Getting all Political Here are some interesting links and articles relating to homeland security. The same people who brought you these great safety images.
Here's that quote I've been looking for "The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either" BF Doug Engelbart I don't know if you guys ever heard of this man but apparently he is one of the forefathers of knowledge thought. He started computational communities and had hands on time with the first mouse and the first window. Here are some Engelbart links.
"The actual invention of the mouse was the result of analyzing the various characteristics of other pointing/input devices. Much as the Periodic Table of the Elements has characteristics which define groups along rows and columns, we laid out a grid of existing devices. And just as the periodic table’s rules have led to the discovery of certain previously unknown elements, this grid ultimately defined the desirable characteristics of a device that didn’t exist. That device was the mouse." Ready.gov Pics I can't seem to fit all these on here so I just made a link. Actually I may make a new blog if I can keep finding interesting stuff out there. But for now you can find all the stuff from ready.gov here. Holy Smart I was just clicking around IBM's website looking for models to put into my "Famous Asians of Tech Websites" portfolio and as I was just randomly clicking on whatever looked like it might have human banners. IBM thinks to itself, "This guy is lost. Let me explain to him how are web page works." So this little pop up shows up and says, "Are you lost? Try these links. I want to buy something. I want to talk to someone. I want to find more information about IBM's corporate servivcs." That's wonderful. I mean they could have done more but I thought the "Are you lost?" idea was great. I'm goign to see if I can't emmulate it again. Allrighty...Time For a Break 20 Personalized emails sent out to companies in the e-learning field explainig why I want to work for them. Man that shit was tiring. And then I went back just now and saw that I once again spelled words wrong. Oy! Anyway...this process of finding the tech department or the learning department and meailing them directly and skipping HR seems to work really well. There are three companies that I have phone interviews with today and tomorrow. Oddly none have called today. But I remain really optimistic. Oh and some other off shoot good news...well sorta good...my house is not sold just yet. So I still have a place to live. The loan for that woman fell through. So I may have at least until the middle of Deecmber...We go sell it again today. For the same price...btu I woudl imagine the closing date is a little later...and then my friend is moving out of his room in this nice big house in Federal Hill in the beginning of January. I can go crash there I think. Or at least off to Korea...I got a call today from a recruiter in Korea. It wasn't really making me want to go back all that much. But, you gotta do what you gotta do. You know. If nothing shakes here after all this work and effort to try and just get a job in the firiggin mailroom of places that I actually believe in...then I gotta I'm Gilligan again. Asian Persuasion Has anybody noticed that all the tech companies have at least one Asian woman in the their website looking really hot and angry or promiscuously confident. You know that's no coincidence. You want to know why? Because they are that hot and you want to buy products when you see those piercing eyes looking over (or mostly, head tilted to the side peering past a monitor) that laptop. Mainly I think it has to do with the stereotype that Asian people are more technically proficient than other cultures. This may be true considering my time overseas. But, I know they trade a whole lot by engulfing their life into RPG games and long nights of Mountain Dew and bowls of ramin. Anyway...it's what I've been noticing all day. I may go out and find all the famous Asian faces of today's tech sites...or just the ethno-centric happy fun stuff that lies out on the web...ooh that's another good idea for the pictures thing. That's my new thing for the rest of the week by the way....finding pictures. This is hilarious Holy Crap I'm buying this shirt Randoms While I Play Spades Good Government Pics from cia.gov.
 This is from the children's section of the FBI. The light bulbs equates safety. I even like the happy font.  "I want to look as mysterious as possible. Is that ok?  "Look kids this is what the White House looks like if you were on mushrooms"  You can be under cover just like me.  I have no idea what this is. I think they were trying to brand the Anthrax issue. Get a real jump on the competition.  In case you ever see any of these guys roaming around.  Holy crap this is just plain old funny. "Watch out for Netscape son."  Easily the king of them all. This is the CIA's image for Anti-Terroism. No, I'm serious it is. Seriously.  I like the old west font. It makes them feel like they are really chasing bad guys with Tommy guns again.  If you look real close you can see all the people are fake. That's just horrible  This is some sort of mistake. Or yet another case of branding tragedy  Sure...  "Harry and Aerial Recon: Ace Photo Pigeons"  "My family has always supported the Agency and its predecessor, the Office of Strategic Services (OSS), roosting wherever it was camped and keeping an eye out in defense of our country, too. " The Ageless Art of disappearing I like the fact that I am elusive and screen phone calls. THAT'S RIGHT! I screen em' all. Everyone does. You do! I do! He does! She does! So let's drop the facade. I'm not gonna lie to you like all those other people and say, "Nah man I had my phone off", "I left it in my car". Nope I looked at my phone and said, "Nah I really don't want to speak right now". Now don't take that personal. I just don't want to chat while I'm playing golden tee or having sex or watching Seinfeld. I don't want to hear this conversation: "Hey what's up?" "Nothing man. What's up with you?' "Nothing. Just seeing what's up" Screw that. Call me with info. "I have 8 girls here all high on meth and they won't put their clothes on. Oh my god they are pulling hundred dollar bills out of their ve jay jay's" That's what I want to hear. That's what I say when I call you. Alright online poll time. How many times have I called you and had that conversation with nothign to say. Never. I call you with purpose. I know your time is valuable. Now don't stop calling. Just don't leave me angry messages (eh hen all you strange girls calling me and yelling at me on voice mail...that's what brought this blog about...) Busy is the new rich! Cool Guys Imitating White Guys I'm listening to Eddie Murphy here and I was listening to Kings of Comedy and stuff last night. The old school guys got nothing on imitating white guys when it comes to the new guys. Dave Chapelle does the best lame white guy ever. Eddie does do a pretty good Italian guy though. And the reason why I say cool guys in the title instead of just black guys is because Joe Rogan does a mean white guy as well. I don't think it's necessarily pickin on white guys as it is picking on stereotypes to make you laugh. Because the black dudes do other black dudes ruthlessly as well. Dave Chapelle is definitely the star of the show when it comes to ethnic imitations though. Eddie blazed that rail but Dave is carrying the torch. YES YES YES!!!!!! And here they come. Man I was starting to really worry. I got 4 responses from companies today that I love, after I personally sent emails to their tech departments and learning departments. Friggin sweet...let the games begin. Randoms While I Loosen my Tie and Pack a Lip for My Day of More Job Searching
Gamblers Care About Stuff Like Wind and Rain in Cincinnati Updated lines Taking the Under at 42 in the cincy game Taking the Under at 46 1/2 in the pitt st louis game Taking Philly giving 3 to the jets and Baltimre and Carolina...just thought you would want to know so we can all cheer together... Bret's Football Bet Em' For the Week I like the close spreads of 2 or less. I like games with spreads of 5 or 2. This tells me usually that the bookies don't have a fucking clue what they are picking. I stay well away of anything over 8 and the evil numbers 7, 3 and 6. I like meaningless games out of division and that's what I liked to bet this week. Except Carolina, but who cares about them anyway. Calling Su Yeon You know,sometimes you know people that are just so wonderful, that when you call them up all bombed from a different country, just wanting some obligatory chit chat, they humor you and tlak. I love her in so many ways for her patience and strange strength that hangs on to me from around the world. To you sweetheart...  Sober I just took a shower. I feel much better and somewhat sober. I'm not going to really write anything besides.---NOW THAT I HAVE A TATTOOO I'M GOING TO GET LAID A LOT MORE BY GIRLS WHO ARE A WHOLE BUNCH HOTTER! Timotious I don't think you have any idea how good it feels to have someone diagram out something wonderful for you and then have that person want to have it inked on it's person for life. That's gotta be so fucking cool! Cheers mate Pissed Not in the classical sense of being angry but in the Britsih sense of being loaded. I went and saw Travis tonight with Douglas Atwell the 8th and the ever wonderful driving phenom Blake. We had a decent time, The show was goodness. Travis is always good. Mirel I love you and always will. Don't know why I wrote that. I have been having a lot of make believe convo's lately and most of them revolve around you and me and jeff having a sit down about how much I love you....It doesn't matter either way...that's just my subconscience...so....it all manifests into other weird things...anyway....the tat is on thursday....mad interviews this week...no job i want...gotta take one...not happy...im real drunk right now...i saw sarah tonight...the hottest girl i have never slept with that i said I would...yet she remains elusive....damn that nonsense...tomorrow is football...tonight im gonna sleep hard becuas last night i had sex with a 19 year old and it was awful...awful i tell you...horrible awful to the point of me wanting to stop in the middle and just say shit like "What the fuck are you doing!" but alas her incompetence must lead directly back to my own problems. Maybe not because she was atrociuus to sleep with. Id rather sleep with my old dog Hunter than that again. "I just wanna get on top and ride you hard". Thats awful! What happened to real hardcore action like kissing and deep rhythm. What's with the college girls and their inability to have sex on any level besides having an orgasm. I know it's important but so is kissing and intensity. I dont know it was beat....no more youngins...im gonna go to sleep....man im drunk...shit it's late...talk to you later in the week... Thanks Doug and Blake for the company. Im glad you guys had fun. Cheers! Summarizing The Tat and Why I Should Now Get One I'm not going to pretend that I know as much about the mystic ways of the universe as Tim or what his real thought processes were when going into this. I assume it had to do with my love of the spade symbol and his idea that the chariot symbol accompanied with the horse seemed quite fitting. I used to play cards all the time with my dad when I was little. And even when he was in the mental hospital we were most at ease while playing cards. My dad has always been a big symbol person and finding what he calls "God things". Like once at the race track, where I used to go once a month from age 6-11, I found a dime on the ground. I picked it up. I turned and whirled it in no specific direction. The dime ricocheted off a seat and landed right between my dad's feet who was standing 20 rows up and 30 feet to the right. That was one of his examples of a "God thing". Well he has always hated the spades suit in the deck of cards. He thinks they are bad luck. I love the spades suit. It's the baddest of the suits. It's the hardcore kick the rest in the nuts suit. I enjoy the game of spades above all else and the jack of spades is my favorite card. That's all I really know about spades. Now Tim is drawing lines to the history of spades and how it relates to the tarot. I did like this link about the Knight of swords.
Lucky Stuff There is this great thing on the History channel about superstitions. They went into the horse shoe thing (The devil once lost it's cloven hoof shoe whil entering a house and some guy branded his ass and the devil said he would never enter a house with a horse shoe hanging over the entrance.) And how walking under a ladder apparently breaks up the holy trinity either Osiris or JC. Things like that...it's interesting. I always love when people pick apart mysteries or explain things that are kind of fun. Can I possibly tie that into something else? Why are some things fun to learn about and some aren't? Til The Break of Dawn Doug, I'm hurtin kid. Man. I really can't stay out to 6 am and then have my car towed and have to eventually pay 200 bones to get it out of hoc. I mean wtf is that anyway. 200 bones to havemy car towed from a friggin Royal Farms. Man! Anyway, I just wanted to say cheers for an interesting and entertaining evening. JESTERS baby! JESTERS! but it's no INFINITE Google and It's Presence The more I keep surfing around here and reading articles. And to be quite honest I haven't really been engaged in ever reading articles on line. They seem really beat. But the more I delve into what the other good people are reading the easier the process of reading online becomes. And sooner or later I was going to have to adapt anyway. But what I'm finding in all of these tech sources and ezines is their propensity to use google and it's features as though it were second nature knowledge.They back up all of their own Information Architecture and Marketing research based on being verified by the number of trackings on google or their position in a google search. It's as though everyone is aspiring to fall in line with whatever google is feeding people. Don't get me wrong I love google. I think It's a wondeful tool. But I don't hink it's a standard by any means. I believe by wrapping yourself around a technology that closely, it can become dangerous and end up letting you down as soon as your capacity for it's usefulness has been filled. ( worst part about that possibility is that you may not know your capacity is actually filled). It reminds me of people that wanted to develop in ColdFusion and then said, "Oh shit! What happens when Allaire folds or they fail to come up with patches fast enough. We have all of our eggs with a company and not with a technology." I guess the big point I'm making is dependancy. Now beelive me I would much rather depend on private corporations rather than anything government. But I think there needs to be a diverse array of companies with the same presence as google. And the ideal companies would use the same technology but branch off in different directions in order to supply the dynamic economy and user with what they will eventually need. I mean I have no idea what those needs are but we know that as we grow, and especially with the Internet, our propensity to morph and change is exponential. Is one company really cut out to be that bench mark? It's a little scary to know that they have that kind of hold. I love the product and think the company has done a wonderful job of committing themselves to excellence but I had no idea it was this strangling. Not Showering Makes My Hair Really Cool and Other Randoms Godless Ok I have been listening to this song for about 40 minutes. It's called Godless by the Dandy Warhols. I have one of their albums. Like punk Rock Suburbs or something like that. Anyway, this song and Nietzsche are the hi-lites. Ha! Godless and Nietzsche. Cute. The song sounds just like a long Oasis intro. It rules! Hmm I can't seem to get this music blog thing to work....hmmm....anyboday else have any initial issues with this thing? It's the one with imbedded javascript where it tells you to link two files but you only get one in the download. It's the blogamp one. Bull Roasts Ok so I'm listening to the bible thing and they are talking about the proper way to roast a bull. I wonder if all those bull roasts I went to as a child revolve around this weird tradition. I also wonder if those crazy things like the Masons or the KoC actually do this ritual. The stuff they are saying about his bull roast is really in depth. No wonder the bible is so big, I can't believe all this crap is just about roasting a bull. I swear I have been listening to rituals for the past 40 minutes. "The Linen must be spread on the alter without folds...the bull most not be mixed with yeast and the sin and guilt offereing must be rasied with both hands...etc..." Lord! Knowledge Blogger It's back and it's alive. I plan on keeping a pulse on the industry. I checked around and didn't see any "blogs" dedicated to it. I know there are quite a few websites but for the most part noone has any insight on anything, they just gives press statements. Ok so that's my forum. Thanks Tim and Mike(where's my f'n feedback "send it to me tomorrow" as I check my watch) for the idea. Oh and thanks doug and tim(your site is really looking clean as balls lately with all the little shit you are adding...it's opening nicely). I'm working on a new design today...or at least on getting this junky ass one changed a little...it looks like I sell flowers. Cheers. Good energy today. Holy So yesterday I donwloaded the entire Old Testament and the entire New Testament on mp3. This is so friggin wild to listen to. And the voice they have really is trying to sound like god with that deep bass and fuzzy sound as though he is talking thorugh clouds after a heavy nihgt of drinking. It's really fun! Spelling My spelling is just rediculous...I don't think I can take it anymore...I may start using MS Word or something While I apply my Rogaine Mr. Ulam I have no diea how many people I run into that read this drivle and then tell me about it. You think by their comments I would have no idea. Anyway this is a side not to tell Mr. Ulam that I appreciated everyhting he said tonight and felt the love that he has. Him and I have a strange relationship, like he doesn't know what to make of me and I don't know what to make of him...but there is this mutual love and friendship that is good. Like I know he's a smart good kid and he knows the same. What we need is a better bonding experience that can bring closure to the arguments we give each other. They aren't really argumetns...more or less checks and balances that people need to put on the people they care about. It's tough to really take advice without that kind of closure or appreciation wihtout seeing another person bleeding somewhere and knowing that in that monent you are their lifeline to something that can be salvagable. Anyway, cheers to you Mr. Ulam I dig the advice and don't think I don't need it. Everyone else seems to be leaving me to my own devices...it was nice to have a confronting person saying "You're a fuck...stop dreaming...get down to earth..." Now heeding that advice is not gonna happen for I am a soul that needs to be happy...but it was brotherly and loving...cheers Oh and by the way, Craig, I ran into Mitchell tonight....he asked how you were I told him your were doing fine. He got sort of big on us...he's tippin in at like 210 or so...sorry mitchell if you are reading this...but damn kid...i remember you being a stick...it was good to see that kid...it was all love... Decent News Apparently the HR machine was cranking today because I got 7 emails back all personalized. I don't think I will have the tendacy to be so picky this time. But, then again, I know I might. I still wanna be turned on. Oh and I sold my house yesterday. Well that adds some serious immediacy to my life journey. Nov. 28th and then I'm a living somehwere new. Can't wait to get it rollin.... Dave Chapelle Holy crap I have just listened to one of funniest things in the world today. I have also taken a weird liking to books on tape while sitting here at my computer doing work. The old Orwell books of 1984 and Animal farm are prevalent out there. So is Huxley and a lot of stuff that I have trouble reading because it's just too boring like the history of Greek Mythology, and the Biography of Stalin. It's prtty cool. Anyway, you gotta listen to Dave Chapelle. Holy crap it's almost Eddie Murphy quality. He has this show apparently on Comedy Central and he had a bunch of HBO specials fro Def Comedy and his own thing. He has this video called "I wanna drink your pee". Holy crap, holy crappity crap. You will literally pee yourself if you watch it. It's a spin off of R Kelly. Man I can't recommend it enough. Bret and His Gambling Ok so Bret has a whole bunch of vices. He likes to drink real hard, smoke hard, stay up until all hours with strange people who could possibly slit his throat at any minute. He enjoys fist fights and flirting with girls in front of their man. But the one vice I have that I really don't like is my gambling vice. Take today for instance, I'm going to go and bet up to a grand of money that I don't have on football. Now don't get me wrong I'm not a bad better and betting on football is friggin fun given the alternative to just sit and watch, but the consequences seem so much more acute than that of drinking or smoking. I have not drank for up to month before adn I hace quit smoking for up to a month, but the instant gratification of betterin on football is just too sweet. It's like instant winfall or instant don't answer the phone time. Anyway, I thought I'd let you in on one of my wonderful habits that I see most people starting to get into. Like last night I heard Chris saying how he was losing money on college football (oh and by the way...my good friends that I was talking to last night were all like "on your blogger this" and "on your blogger that" well what the fuck. You would never even know they had been here...well thanks for reading boys). Now Chris is a guy I would never expect to have a vice like gambling. This is the same kid who wanted to beat me up in highschool for experimenting with illegal substances. Seriously he was the catcher on the baseball team and would have guys throw at me. Anyway, it's weird as we get older we accumulate more vices and tend to not shed any of the other ones. I guess I did shed some stuff, in that I don't do drugs and I still see alll my friends doing them. They do them much more recreationally now but still, I have some kids that are just smoking pot to smoke pot. That doesn't make sense...but hey you can't judge. Right? So anyway I'm off to look at those lines. This is what I'm bettin' today 2 dimes Baltimore giving 2 1/2 1 dime New Orleans giving 2 1 dime Tennesee Getting 1 1 dime St Louis giving 4 1 dime Tamba Bay giving 4 1 dime Detroit Getting 3 Wish me luck Nothing Panned So my day and a half in the country lead to nothing. Sorry to say it folks, and sort of glad, but today I sold my house. Well yesterday I sold it. I have nothing to really do here now and I refuse to sleep on someone's couch. So, odds of me leaving within the next month to either go back to Korea or another country are at about 90%. Ok so that's not the bad part. The bad part is that I am so turned off by America, that I may not come back for a really long time. Trust me on this one, I have skills and a desire to do something and yet I have the people I want to work for have no interest. This could mean two things 1)Nobody seems attracted to those skills 2) My own perception of my abilities are far overrated. Both are highly possible. I should have this computer and stuff for another week but after that I'll try and hit you up before I split. I feel like I let myself down. It's a shame to have come back home with high hopes of starting something and some issues in my family and professional life have pushed me to the point of only persuing happiness and survival. We'll have to see what pans out in the next 10 days or so. P.S. Tim I saw you were helpign Doug design a tattoo...hmm...I think i'd be interested in that...Thanks for everything guys! Break I'm off to Grandfather's house in the country for a little while. I'll catch you guys later. There's some stuff I need to think about and some people that I need to see. Hopefully, things here will be a little clearer when I get back. One way or the other... Living with Glasses of Water and Robert So I went out tonight with the hopes of hanging out with friends and watching the game. But they all have jobs and lives. Suckers. But that's the meat of this tale. First off I was a good boy tonight. I had a salad and two beers. I didn't smoke and drank water for most of the night. My blood pressure medicine is only good for 2 months. If it works then they take me off and I go on a diet or whatever. Basically I stop smoking and drinking booze for a little while until I stop pissin blood and sweating through my sheets with ulsers the size of oranges. If it doesn't work then we go to the nex level. So i have to be sort of good while it takes a affect. A) I dont want them to even persue the next step and especially not at my own dumbass fault. B) I'd like to live to see Italy. Ok so to the good hearted moment of the week. On the way home I was coming up on the harbor tunnel and they have a weird merge thing at night and some gigantic SUV Escolade pig fucker car keeps coming over because well, he's driving a semi-truck and so I have to go into he median section of the road. I hit something in the road and got a flat. A flat in the tunnel is bad and out of the tunnel can be worse but I pulled off on Boston Street and made my way to the truck stop. While starting my journey for the Bret method of a can of fix a flat and a prayer a 65 year old man came up to me asking me if I had a flat. Now bieng at a truck stop at 1 am and having a man come up to me isn't the most delicate thing in the world but I could see he was kinda old so I entertained his suggestion and it sounded good. He even missed his bus to help me out. We took a cab to a 24 hour tire place that he knew existed and I didnt. We got a tire came back and he helped me do the whole thing, considering im pretty car illiterate, (i did the manual labor...but umm is that jack...umm where does it go? were definately my questions). I was touched the entire time by him just wanting to help. Obviously I was waiting for him to take the tire iron and club me over the head at any time but I figured we could work it out if that happened. But then I drove him back to North ave. he got out, asked me for a smoke, I didnt have any and went and bought him a pack and he wished me good luck. That was that. No "Man I'm just trying to catch the bus", "Damn I need a sub", "Hey can you spare like 10 dollars". And all those things would have been ok and I would have given what he wanted but he didnt ask. He helped me because he wanted to and it made him feel good to help someone. I didn't want to insult him by offering him more than he asked like a pretensious prick who thought my time was more valuable than his. I assume that in his life he had always done that and probably hadn't had a chance to do something good for someone in a long time. I commend you Robert. I sort of learned to never taint generosity by wanting to make ammends through anything other than mutual good will and the hopes that I can one day do that for someone. Thanks again mate! The well of humanity is a little fuller thanks to you. Goat And the dream has died. All the baseball fans of the world took a deep sigh of pain tonight. We were all sitting around hoping it would happen. We were all enticed into the idea of magic and the planets aligning to have our media thirsty bodies covered by the numbness that would have been cubbies and bosox. Alas the bosox live on, and tomorrow...I don't care if you're a baseball fan or not...you should watch the game. For many reasons but here are my personal favorites.
Oh yeah and by the way did anybody else take down the name of the kid who grabbed the ball last night. I know about 100,000 cubs fans that did. I hope St Louis is a nice city for him to live in. That poor bastard. WOOOO!!!! Not gonna die. Gotta live a little cleaner for a few months or so but it was my blood pressure. I had no calcium in my stuff and they see no reason to suspect it would be cancer or anything weird. I have to go in to see what kind of BP medicine I get but basically I'm good. Man...sweet... Bret Fall Down..... You ever walk around all night saying things like "Snap and Fresh" because you forgot exactly what was said that was so funny. So the funny thing mutates into something else. And that becomes your way of dealing with situations and people because you are way too gone to make any sort of real judgement about them. I'm sobering up now. I was a needin to get hemmed to let out some anxiety about test results tomorrow. Luckily I get them via the phone so I can have an automatic breakdown as opposed to some sort of abtrusive doctor's office breakdown. I think it's gonna be ok though. I had a dream last night that had a lot of things in it telling me it was gonna be solid. That may have been my brian's way of dealing with it, but I think in some way it was my brains way of saying, "Next time just ask me and not a doctor. You're fine". Oh for you folks who don't know or whatever, and it's not a vinarial disease or anything like that, I have some plumbing messed up somewhere and apparently the stuff in my veins likes to find it's way into our sewer system if you know what I mean. Maybe you don't but that's about as comfortable as I feel talking about it. Some girl emailed me today asking me if I had a disease. She was scared. I didn't blame her. I consoled her and she was still skeptical...and so she should have been...I mean...hell I aint a choire boy anymore. And then I got scared and asked her if she had a disease, but it was so long ago that I would have found out by now anyway. Bad topic... So yeah, tomorrow I do that....look for a place to live, hit up a bar for the game 7, let me know if you're down...Damn CUBS tonight...that guy (some jackhole interfered with a ball) has to be the most hated man in chicago since...well I don't know chicago but since Laimbere maybe. I was thinking Hull Street with the shuffle board and no girls in black pants ordering vodka tonics from guys with gel in the hair who pour guniness at a breakneck speed. You know that kinda place. I was also thinking that maybe if the test results are bad I won't tell anyone, anyone I don't like anyway. I don't want pity or anything if they're bad. And I'm actually sorry I brought it up in the first place. I mean...it's really lame to do that...anyway...what else...gotta do the job thing and keep on keepin on with it...I mean...gotta keep on pushin the envelopes around come up with new strategies...i mean if HR is this bad with me applying for webmaster jobs and I'm not getting feedback on 90% of stuff like that...then maybe I'll just step it up and find the VP's and come straight out with want I want to do...you never know I may turn somebody on and that might keep me here...I mean nothing really bad could come of it...but I'll probably give that til' the weekend...maybe my resume for something good is on someone's desk and me mailing them would piss them off...I could honestly use a little counseling there...if you have any ideas on how to handle the cold shoulder let me know...I've never really been in this positon before...I mean I've never really looked for work or been real picky about what I do outside of technology....so ifyou ahve any ideas let me know....SNAP AND FRESH! .....Now Loathing in Las Bretas These following two posts pissed me off. That's all. I'm gonna leave them there as a reminder to myself. Nobody cares about loathing. You only loathe yourself deeper into a place that you can't crawl out of. Therefore, it's pointless. It's all numbing crap. Good to get out. Good to let go. Need to some time. But, need to focus on positive things. Why run to the dark? Just do what makes you smile and stop rationalizing. Shakes the Tree of Good and Bad and These Apples Fell Down. Eat What You Like.
Happy Rainbow Sprinkles Wanna write something that is meaningful and thought out. Brain may not work that way anymore Brain may have never worked that way Starting to painfully sleep 14 hours a day Not drinking Not thinking Not living Bad envirnoment this month. Empty house Father in a nut house just got home. He's sick I'm sick Looking for a job. Found a job. Don't want the job. No desire to really program unless it's the right company. I'll take anything inspiring. But,I'm sorry. Refirgerators filled with coke and kids in Fubu jeans aren't gonna turn me on right now. I can go play quake and listen to DJ Shadow on my own time. INSPIRE ME! OR AT LEAST LET ME INSPIRE SOMEONE! I'm NEEDY! Want to go back overseas. Leave dad desolate and dying. Money problems. Serious health problems. Fingers crossed but not likely that it's gonna be good news. No insurance. Mom gone Dad real gone Fuckless witless crap that this is FUCK Bad month. Gonna get better. If not better Bret leaves, may not come back to America for a much longer period of time. Bret is sorry about that. But Bret needs to smile. Bret thought things would be better. Bret was wrong. Things here are bad. Bret doesn't like October. Bret doesn't like American girls. Bret doesn't like American ideals. Americans seem lazy and full of a lot of nothing. They like golf trips and premium gasoline. If i'm not gonna be happy I at least want to struggle and live in a way that I can artisiticly express the struggle. I choose poverty over comfort. Obviouosly I choose ideal fulfillment and inspiration over both. But given the choice, I choose strife over numbness. This is numb. This is all too numb with no consequences. I want drawn out consequences. I take jail over nothing. I will take a deep habit over nothing. Can't do those. So cash it in and jump. What else have you been more proud of? What else do you really have to say to somebody about anything? It is the only thing you have done that anyone has ever respected you for and even that doesn't say a whole lot. But damnit boy, and I do mean boy, it says at least something. I don't feel pushed. Alone here with no furniture and my things in storage. Let it all go to storage. Feeling better now Got rage out in a stupid form But it was either this or a bender of whiskey and Golden Tee followed by this later on Feel better Feel kinda good Feel optimistic Feel like tomorrow I will have good news Tomorrow will be better. Everyday has to improve Find energy and make life an art Wake up by 8 Choose a topic and do something with it. Do something local, Do something Internet related. Do something people related. Find a topic and do something with it. Don't idley sit and beat you self up. Then come back and find a way out. You have to find a way out. Maybe 20 days. Maybe 15 and then what? Someone's couch? Someone's spare bed in the basement? Nope. Would rather die then ask for favors from people. Nothing lower than using people for something that they don't want to give. Find a way out. Not out...find a way into the life that makes you smile Feeling better. Feeling optimistic. Feeling like tomorrow will be a good day Noam, I don't Know Him Anybody know anything about Chomsky. I read one of his linguist books in South Korea and thought it was well drawn out and really gave a nice view into how language can be mapped and linked to almost every thing in human history. But I had no idea he was so into the rationalization of 9/11 and third world atrocities. If I was gonna take a guess, someone is gonna snuff him. Is he popular amongst you smart people? Has anybody seen this "Power and Terror", apparently it's his flick? Basically, I've been listening to his speaches all day and they friggin rule. His voice is like syrup and his ideas are delivered with a smooth tone that would make Hannibal Lechter(sp?) seem hyper. I Mean Come On Who Has a Kidney Fail at 24 Let's all keep our fingers crossed that I won't come a knockin' on your door for a stone...The Doc says it's highly likely but then again he also says my bloodpressure may be causing internal ulsers and hemorages that allows blood to reach certain parts of my body it shouldn't and therefore come out of places it shouldn't. Then again he's only a general doctor. The piss test will tell all. Exciting! Just Go Ahead and Ask Me Holy Snot Google is in the answering questions business. I mean that's what a serach engine is anyway but now they use their expertise on the side. Check it. I need a job. Myabe I can work for them. Maybe we can start our own "We will find the answer" company. I think that will be a viable corporation as information and knowledge become more invovled in our life and our natural instincts start to revolve around our ability to get through this big world using info as opposed to our senses. That would be a hot place to work. "Hello, Question Answerers. How may I direct your call? Yes sir you have a bee sting. Ok one second while I patch you through." Awesome! Oh by the way...the question that got me there was "How do you get security clearance?" ...it's like every job I want needs security clearance. I was supposed to take the full poly yesterday at Booz Allen but I decided to wait until all my other options were exhausted. Not because of the poly test but because the job they offered was horse flue. CUBS and BOSOX WIN! Woohoo! Both won and make it closer to the most wonderful thing sports has seen in 50 years. There isn't one person I know not rooting for the possible scenario that baseball fans have been needing for maybe longer than their own lifetime. Cheer it on people. It's nostalgia and legends coming back to play. It's the return of all that was once good about sports. If anything, it's retibution and peace for one of the cities. It's like having a ghost in your house and finally solving the riddle of why it won't just rest peacefully. Well with one of these teams winning, a ghost will get put to bed. Street Car Named Desire I remember my first English teacher in College made us read a ton of DH lawrence and Tennesee Willams. Unfortunately for me, I didn't care about what she was talking about. I wish I could go back and appreciate things some days. Fortunately for me I did fall in love with literature shortly after. But anyway, I just watched street car and saw it for all its wonderful everything. I just read the play(really read) for the first time sometime in May and watching the movie was just awesome. Everything from the names Blanch DuBois (The aging white "virgin" masqueraded whore and her inability to stand in the light because she lies about not only her innocence but failing youth as well), Stanley Kowalski (his big brick name and big brick "brain" atiitude toward everything), Stella Kowalski (the sister to Blanch with the uncommon workmanlike first name and her inability to leave the raw sex that is Stanley), to the lighting and decor of a standard Tennesse hot Delta play was just awesome. This movie/play is so great on so many levels that it would be fruitless to try and blog it because there are so many scenes that stick with me. The one I just remembered was when Hank was courting Blanch. It was working-class attempting to attain a brass ring to please his dying mother and Blanch is trying to keep her virtue and southern charm the whole time. She declines his come-ons pleading for him to be a gentlmen. But you know by now she is, or was, a whore, and that her act is exactly that, an act. It was like watching a gorilla play with a mirror to keep himself happy. The conversations between them were one sided and often lent themself to Blanch trying to make a gentlemen out of Hank. Well the best converation they had was where Hank offers to give all of his measurments to Blanch as if he were a piece of meat. "I am 6, 1/2" tall. Of course that's in my bare feet. And guess how much I weigh. Go ahead guess. Nope more than that. I'm 207 and not too soft in the middle." He does this the same way someone of his staure would do to someone of her supposed staure. They would offer up what they were most proud. They would offer up their sexuality and physical presence. Anyway, you guys should read the play. You can blow through it in a night. And then go rent the movie. It's well worth it. Brando is so awesome. S-O-S-A Sometimes I'm convinced that sports are rigged. I mean do you see the way umpires make calls when the game is on the line. It's like they already have it scripted in their head that I need to make this call to build drama. I need to keep people at home tuned into the game. You can watch 30 major leaugue games in a row from June to July and not see one horribly bad call. But in the post season you see like 3 a game. Now I know that the post season is magnified and the game moves slower causing more analysis and replays but I seriously tihnk that the umpires are in on a bigger conspiracy. I'll call it "The Drama Theory". Oh and by the way. Did you see Sosa tonight? Is there a more exciting player other than Pedro in all of Baseball? No way! Go cubs. We'll get 'em tomorrow. It's Just One but It's WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Off Ok so for about a month now I've been slowly and secretly reading and looking into all the rEEEEEEdiculous shit that I read about on Tim's blog. (hah ha he's not here) Well it's not rediculous, that's just my filter acting up. It's just that I don't really believe in any form of astology or psychology(and these arent the only things on thre I read or whatever but you seem to definately have a theme sometimes). It's not that I believe these things have no place in our lives. I think examing the universe for it's weighs and balances and finding out how it affects human life is great and monumentally important. I think the study of the mind is one of the most noble things that someone can persue. I don't however think that anyone is close. I'm not saying that they didn't start something or that they aren't on to something. I just don't think that anybody in these ifelds have come remotely close to explaining anything about anything. I think their papers and books make for great dinner conversation, and for people that may be truely messed up, they may be able to get a little help form the limited work already done. As is the case with all first endeavors, the most extreme cases get the most reaction. It's not like Freud and Jung started on normal people. So anyway, this was my bullshit reading from some horoscope place that I got from one of Tim's cats blogs. It's the first time I ever got a horoscope reading online. And it will be the last. Except on my birthday. Everyone does that!
This influence just makes you feel contented and at ease. Today all your dealings with family, loved ones, friends or business contacts will go very well, because you project warmth and concern for others. New connections made today may be beneficial in the future. This influence would be a good sign of success for a new romantic interest in your life. This is a good day for a short recreational trip to indulge your desire for beautiful surroundings. Financial transactions are favored during this time, and you should be able to negotiate in business to your advantage. Anything that you buy today should prove to be a worthwhile investment. In general under this influence you will feel that life is going more easily than usual, that with little effort everything is going as it should. That's so far off it's not even funny. It couldn't be more opposite in any way. Individual Specialness and the Ridiculous Idea of Reading Other People's Blogs and How it Will Lead to the Destrcution of America To be taken up at a later date. Followed by the article entitled - Bret Becomes a Republican The Cosmic Clash of the Red Sox and Cubs I'm a Baltimore boy. I don't lay claim to any other city and I don't like being away from my city for a long time. I go to other people's dwellings and I just don't feel the same. Now Baltimore is no great shakes but when you live somewhere you tend to find the beauty from time to time. I'm sure you all know we have only two professional sports teams in our city. We have the dismal and abysmal and utterly ulcer causing Orioles and the overachieving, stabber harboring, over-rated defense, home of the NFL's most sissy fans, Ravens. This is all we have. We aren't big enough or rich enough to support basketball or Hockey. I support my squads no matter how many times they break my heart and make me angry (It's somehow even sadder that they do break my heart and make me angry. But thus is the life of the underachiever and his quest for relief and escape through mass entertainment.) Now the Ravens did win the most coveted title in sports 3 years ago and the Orioles were a dominant team no more than 5 years ago. But, if your squad doesn't do it every year it seems as though the heart breaks just the same. This heartbreak leads to daily pain when you check the scores or Espn power ranking and always see your team in the bottom percentile. There is pain when you don't get anymore Monday night games. There is pain when your number one pitcher gets traded for 2 minor leaguers that you'll never hear from. There is pain when you hear the term "rebuilding process". For the people of Boston and Chicago however, there lies pain in a stronger form. Now both Boston and Chicago have laid claims to world champions in the past decade. Chicago has had it's Bulls and the occasional Blackhawk victory. Despite the Bears horrible string of events they have not starved for sports supremacy. Boston, being part of New England have managed to appear in two super bowls over the past 8 years and eked out one of the greatest upsets in Super Bowl history. While the Bruins and Celts haven't really lived up to par standards the fans of Boston have still managed to dance in the streets a couple times in the past decade. Now I know some people who think that our national sport is quickly changing into football. There is no doubt that the short, intense, violent, evenly matched season has weighed itself on the American psyche. It has made us feel as though every Sunday a small war being waged in places like Lambeau field. I find myself rising up every Sunday in hopes of a miracle, of bliss, of pure instant gratification that is all consuming and brings a just verdict of defeat or victory. Despite these mediaecntric soma pills and our new lust for hyped up cameras and violence, I am one who still believes our national sport is played between two chalked lines that lead to two yellow polls. I believe in strange baseball stadiums where walls jut out, pitchers warm up right next to the first basemen, fans are invovled by flying projectiles, teams sign powerful lefties because they have a short porch in right. This game of baseball is our national pastime. Baseball differs from football in so many ways. Football is intense. It involves critical decision making every play. It has the constant possibility of bodily harm. It has cheerleaders. It is rigidly timed and involves such plays as the "Blitz", "Bomb", and "Shotgun". Baseball is passive and spacial. It has no time limit. You have no idea when it will end. It is considered, besides tennis, as the mainstream gentleman's sport. It has nothing to do with the brutality and media savy puppet that has become football. For those of us who love baseball and football alike, ask us what we would rather see throughout an entire season. I don't think baseball would be in the majority, but I do think it would be in the majority of those people who take their cities, sports, and leisure passionately. The people who love the game of baseball get to watch a team grow. They get to see the youngsters come up in September to make something magical happen. They get to watch the slumps, the hot streaks, the aura of the past arise in impossible records that were never meant to be shattered. It is the utopian melting pot that holds our nationalities and creeds under one roof of rules and regulations that all are forced to abide by. It has more legends and heroes than any other sport and the generation coming to power now all played at least tee ball when they were little. Our current president owned a baseball team and every year you see the man who lives in the white house throw out the first pitch somewhere in America. It is still our nations games depsite the hype of the moguls. Most of us know the tragedy that has faced the Cubbies and BoSox over the last 85 years. Boston has the curse of the Bambino while Chicago has their famous goat and Charlie Root's jawing. The boSox have lived through Buckner's ball and Bucky Dent's bomb. The cubbies, while less prolific, have had to struggle through the confines of Wrigley and their curse to find a pitching staff in conjunction with underdeveloped teams that hurt for so many years because of horrible ownership and penny pinching. If I were to root for one team or the other I root for the Cubs. Reason 1) Boston is in Baltimore's division 2) I love Sammy Sosa. Last night I watched the BoSox clinch the ALDS over the boring A's. I felt something good about seeing them win. Robert Frost once said, "You know a true baseball fan by asking them one question, How do you feel about the Yankees? If their response is anything but love or hate then they are not a true fan". There is no bigger rival to the Yankees than the BoSox. To hopefully watch them get even with the baseball Gods by beating the hated Yankees would be true justice. And if they fell short one more year then it would only lend itself to the msytique that is baseball. Watching Boston win last night I felt a weird sense of camaraderie with all those fat visor wearing people at Jillians right next to the Dig. I felt like we bonded in some way. Two nights prior to that I watched the Cubs clinch against the bloated and lack luster Braves. Again a swelling came to me. A flush of blood and pride. A pride that I had for some sort of Baseball god (and if you play the game you know somewhere there is a baseball God) that was finally doing the right thing for all us people on Earth. He was going to make it possible for the cosmic collision of the Cubs and Red Sox. This is the moment that every baseball has been witing for. The ideal series. Every man in America has his fingers crossed somewhere for it to happen. They have them crossed for a game 7 with a boot or a bomb to decide the whole thing. They want to see Pedro drag his dying arm off the mound in a game 7 relief appearance after striking out Sammy Sosa with the bases loaded. Ot they want to see Sammy's traditional hop and jog as he crushes another one out onto the alley. I root for this game to happen. I root for it because it will help this game bring people back. It will give the media something to play with and bring the fans that have strayed to the brutality of football back into the motherly fold that is baseball. Laying Claim But I would like to take full credit for the following bands and their emergence. Coldplay 00' The Strokes 99' Badly Drawn Boy 98' Travis 97' Anytime you guys wanna send me some royalties don't be shy. Oh and by the way "The Scientist" is just a truely wonderful song. I don't care if everyone listens to it or not. Sports Tonight I saw two great games. I love sports for all they are. The utopia of society. Instant gratification. I'm going to start writing more about sports. Why? Because I like it, I'm a semi-slob. And sooner or later I'm gonna have to cash in the chips and start watching sitcoms and wearing athletic jerseys to local bars to bitch about my local football team's lack of a QB. Go BoSox! Umm...do something I tried this once and got sidetracked. But I want to harness all this goodness into a beam of energy that can actually get something accomplised and change the world around us. Not on a huge level. But on a good level. On a level that takes me away from my distractions and indulgences that get more meeaningless every day and puts me back into seeing the direct results of my energy at work. Bitchin + Moanin Oh come on. Ok ok ok. We all do it. We all need to do it in some weird way. And if possible and if our lives are that good we can do it to someone we love and who will give us reflection and insight. But, for the love of God. There is a way to rise above. Call it energy. Call it a goal. Call it the ability to do many tasks in a row, look back and say, "well I did that today.". Let's call it whatever we want to call it. But the bottom line is I have no more time for bitchin and moanin. We are all too young, too smart, too focused (in our own way), and wonderfully great. The b+m gotta go. It gotta go now. Get out... Have you ever been around someone who b+m's all the time. No matter how much you love them. It's no fun. IT"S NO FUN! And that fun is the bottom line to relationships. Take it for what it's worth but fun is built on a lot of things, trust, honor, love, humor, humility, etc...all the way down the line...those things all get dusted under the table when the B=M brothers come out to play. Unless you are dealing with some hardships that constitute an array of support systems that all seem to fail simultaneously there is no reason why, with our current abilities (see above), that there should be an elongated stretch of pouting. I'm guilty. Yet I have caste the stone. Random Sprinkles on an Otherwise Shitty Ass Weekend
So yeah the weekend sucked a little and I got totally salty on saturday night. But it's gonna get better. I have to believe that. Apocalypse Now So since I decided to be sort of a good boy as of late. I stayed in tonight. Well I'm trying at least. And hey why not? It's not like when I go out I come home and am all happy about it. I usually feel real empty and all because the conversation gets dull and the girls get even duller. But anyway, what i did tonight watch the directors cut of AN and it was 4 hours long and so awesome. I remember the first college paper I ever wrote was about AN. I based it on the duality of man and the direct reference to Jospeh Conrad's Heart of Darkness. I got an A and was happy but I always realized that I wasn't getting everything out of the movie. Now I have tried all kinds of stimulants while watching both this movie and others. But sometimes that doesn't work. Take for instance my love of the movies Sphere and Eyes Wide Shut. Both of those have been endearing due to lucid innebritation. But tonight with the addition of the added scenes I got to sort some more stuff out. First off I would like to say that I think Coppola is a totally masturbatory guy, but he does tell a story pretty well. Anyway in the bonus material there is this great scene where they stop at this French Plantation run by French communists who basically act as a sounding board for the Vietnamese. It was great! They gave some pretty cool insight to how and why the war was started. And the lighting was so unclean that you could tell why it made the cutting room floor. They also had a cool barriel for Clean. Let's see what else was there that was added. Oh schanpps they had this one scene where they bargain with the playboy bunnies to have sex with them and Lance totally starts becomming strange and he cries with the playmate of the year while they are having sex. The movie also had a great over all them of class devision. And the trilogy themes were all over the place as well as the morality theory of, you do something wrong then you must die or at least suffer equaly reprocussions. I also liked the silence of Colonal Willard and how he listened and rarely ever spoke. And the two T.S. Elliot poems, I think they were Hollow Men and Waste Land but I'm not sure, were great. Anyway it was a well spent 4 hours. I enjoyed the directors cut and recommend it. Oh yeah the shitty title of my paper was "Apocalypse When?". Oh and By The Way The time is now 4:30! Go to bed guy! Tomorrow the cover letter of the century is being written. I want to beat off my employers with a stick. Oh hell the two interviews I blew off today both called me to ask what was wrong and if I could reschedule. I told them I wasn't interested anymore. Who wants to work for a development shop anyway. Complex I am not going to talk about Korea anymore unless asked. Yeah that's it. I got called out today by a Korean girl who was trying to tell me that I was an affront because I was speaking Koren. I have to admit it though, it made me kind of hot. But at the same time I could not defeat her argument. I'm confused and developing a complex. Weak willed bastard! The Sun is Coming Up I'm crawling into bed and the fucking sun is peaking it's head through my window to say....wait a minute...what?...dude stop trying to be a good writer or something...you know...stop that nonsense...anyway...i'm brilliant because i have a job interview in 7 hours and yet I somehow lost my shirt an hour ago and my legs won't stop shaking from the experiences just encountered with some girl in a low cut shirt at a bar that I can't remember ever being at before where the only drinks were in these tall flute like glasses with tiny holes and they were all orange and I didn't order one of them...that was the longet sentence in history...holy shit the CUBS LOST! damnit to all hell...and the A's won...double damnit to hell... That was my first reaction, to come in and check out espn.com...that's what I decided to do first...holy shit I'm doing it again...I just wrote something...obvioulsy tasteless and offensive and then went back and erased it because well shit I have a claim to this stupid thing and I can't be all weirdly drunk and perverse when I want to be...that's gotta take it's toll on me and my creative output at some point...is that the worst thing I could do? put a leash on the things in my brain...nah I don't think so...I've been explained the "filter theory" before and well...it sorta makes sense but when your only strength lies in what other people consider to be a weakness that makes everything so fucking weird...everyone wants you to be quite and think about what you say so as not to offend either them or the people they know...but what if you didn't abide by those rules what if i just decided to herd all the people that tell me to be quiet into one giant mass of sheep following me...is that possible...nope? why not? not there yet...filter must stay on until visionary status has been attained...until then I must stay a little quiet and watch what i say...am I getting better at that...I don't know...I figured someone would have had some sort of decent conversation with me by this point since I've been home...someone would have given me some lighthouse as which to reguide my ship or given me some sort of barometer on my situation...but noone did...they just waited fro me to come home so I could jump back into their chess board and play a role that I never wanted to play anyway..but I'm such a lovable and viable piece that rarely gets used (that made no sense)...anyway...I feel all alone in this house wiht noone in it but me and a mouse I saw yesterday...and probably his mouse family...where are the good people at...where am I going next...what lay ahead...it doesn't feel right right now...it feels like my ship is totally sinking some days...it may be the booze it may be the distance to travel to find what is there...and "there" is just af'd up illusion anyway...STOP RAMBLING AND MAKE A POINT! but it's all been kinda awkward and fucking weird this month...so awkward and weird that I'm pretty certain I don't belong here in this country for a little while...I love it but I feel totally uncomfortable around people...I feel forced and confused as though my radar is off...to lead or not to lead..to be polite or not...to speak my opinion...will they get mad...are my eyes blood shot...am I slurring...how's my hair line...shit like that...all the time...neurotic strange borish...nobody has read down this far...lol... I wanted some feedback...well because I'm insecure and self-loathing that's why...I haven't gotten it..all I got was drinks in glasses with girls named Jenny and Tara and one had a pink thong on that stuck out of her jeans and OH how it made me sick the entire night knowing that I was fraternizing with someone who could obviously feel the breeze blowing down her ass crack and shrugging it off the way children shrug off over-pouring the cereal bowl with milk and leaving it to crust on the kitchen table.... this was my night...this was an encapsulation of something...I think that's a huge point to look further into (but I never do that I always say I'll get into that later and a lot of people do...but we never get back to it do we...we never come back to that thought that needed a little work)...anyway the point to hopefully look into would be the daily activites in what you do and how that really plays into your actual lifestyle and whether or not you are battling yourself by destroying yourself with alcohol and cigarettes and whether or not the people you hang out with or surround yourself with serve a kind of purpose to you in your life...are they your audience because you are on stage...are they your muse because you are writing the play or are they your actors because you like to watch...or are they your dircetor because you need guidance... Tangential? No! Terciary? (is that spelled right?) No! (well not to the spelling...i mean that is no "no" to the spelling more like a no to the terciary question) Is that what it's all become...a throw away...a search for all that is just totally fucking fun...I know at 3 o'clock I checked my watch and saw that it was 3 'clock and said, "Ahh fuck being a developer anyway..." Who cares about that...would I be sincerely thrilled about being someone who has no life and a fat ass and hangs out around tide point looking for drink specials...do I want to be that guy...do I want anything to do with this town...do I want anything to do with this life that I have created...YES Absolutely...but the power and drive to go on can't come from some sort of make believe outer shell of a job...I have no serious hobby that would require a 55, 000$ a year chain and collar...I have nothing in my life that needs such a thing..i.e. I have no want to work to have free time...because that's what it's all about right? 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