The Sun is Coming Up
I'm crawling into bed and the fucking sun is peaking it's head through my window to say....wait a minute...what?...dude stop trying to be a good writer or something...you know...stop that nonsense...anyway...i'm brilliant because i have a job interview in 7 hours and yet I somehow lost my shirt an hour ago and my legs won't stop shaking from the experiences just encountered with some girl in a low cut shirt at a bar that I can't remember ever being at before where the only drinks were in these tall flute like glasses with tiny holes and they were all orange and I didn't order one of them...that was the longet sentence in history...holy shit the CUBS LOST! damnit to all hell...and the A's won...double damnit to hell...
That was my first reaction, to come in and check out espn.com...that's what I decided to do first...holy shit I'm doing it again...I just wrote something...obvioulsy tasteless and offensive and then went back and erased it because well shit I have a claim to this stupid thing and I can't be all weirdly drunk and perverse when I want to be...that's gotta take it's toll on me and my creative output at some point...is that the worst thing I could do? put a leash on the things in my brain...nah I don't think so...I've been explained the "filter theory" before and well...it sorta makes sense but when your only strength lies in what other people consider to be a weakness that makes everything so fucking weird...everyone wants you to be quite and think about what you say so as not to offend either them or the people they know...but what if you didn't abide by those rules what if i just decided to herd all the people that tell me to be quiet into one giant mass of sheep following me...is that possible...nope? why not? not there yet...filter must stay on until visionary status has been attained...until then I must stay a little quiet and watch what i say...am I getting better at that...I don't know...I figured someone would have had some sort of decent conversation with me by this point since I've been home...someone would have given me some lighthouse as which to reguide my ship or given me some sort of barometer on my situation...but noone did...they just waited fro me to come home so I could jump back into their chess board and play a role that I never wanted to play anyway..but I'm such a lovable and viable piece that rarely gets used (that made no sense)...anyway...I feel all alone in this house wiht noone in it but me and a mouse I saw yesterday...and probably his mouse family...where are the good people at...where am I going next...what lay ahead...it doesn't feel right right now...it feels like my ship is totally sinking some days...it may be the booze it may be the distance to travel to find what is there...and "there" is just af'd up illusion anyway...STOP RAMBLING AND MAKE A POINT! but it's all been kinda awkward and fucking weird this month...so awkward and weird that I'm pretty certain I don't belong here in this country for a little while...I love it but I feel totally uncomfortable around people...I feel forced and confused as though my radar is off...to lead or not to lead..to be polite or not...to speak my opinion...will they get mad...are my eyes blood shot...am I slurring...how's my hair line...shit like that...all the time...neurotic strange borish...nobody has read down this far...lol...
I wanted some feedback...well because I'm insecure and self-loathing that's why...I haven't gotten it..all I got was drinks in glasses with girls named Jenny and Tara and one had a pink thong on that stuck out of her jeans and OH how it made me sick the entire night knowing that I was fraternizing with someone who could obviously feel the breeze blowing down her ass crack and shrugging it off the way children shrug off over-pouring the cereal bowl with milk and leaving it to crust on the kitchen table....
this was my night...this was an encapsulation of something...I think that's a huge point to look further into (but I never do that I always say I'll get into that later and a lot of people do...but we never get back to it do we...we never come back to that thought that needed a little work)...anyway the point to hopefully look into would be the daily activites in what you do and how that really plays into your actual lifestyle and whether or not you are battling yourself by destroying yourself with alcohol and cigarettes and whether or not the people you hang out with or surround yourself with serve a kind of purpose to you in your life...are they your audience because you are on stage...are they your muse because you are writing the play or are they your actors because you like to watch...or are they your dircetor because you need guidance...
Tangential? No! Terciary? (is that spelled right?) No! (well not to the spelling...i mean that is no "no" to the spelling more like a no to the terciary question) Is that what it's all become...a throw away...a search for all that is just totally fucking fun...I know at 3 o'clock I checked my watch and saw that it was 3 'clock and said, "Ahh fuck being a developer anyway..." Who cares about that...would I be sincerely thrilled about being someone who has no life and a fat ass and hangs out around tide point looking for drink specials...do I want to be that guy...do I want anything to do with this town...do I want anything to do with this life that I have created...YES Absolutely...but the power and drive to go on can't come from some sort of make believe outer shell of a job...I have no serious hobby that would require a 55, 000$ a year chain and collar...I have nothing in my life that needs such a thing..i.e. I have no want to work to have free time...because that's what it's all about right? It's all about working to sure up enough time and funds to do something you enjoy...well work is what I enjoy...that and coming in when the sun comes up on a wednseday in the crisp October air...
