Friday, February 21, 2025
Beautiful
In the flickering
Dusk or dawn
The dim lit
The time spent
Moment of youth
The moon and sun
The earth
Gives this gift
Of evolution of
The most beautiful
You’ve ever been
And find the
One person that sees
It every new day
Sunday, February 02, 2025
Marijuana
When I was a kid - like all teenage and college kids - I smoked marijuana.
I liked it because I thought different - I liked it alone more than with people. Maybe certain people like 1 or 2 was ok.
I didn’t like it around groups of people or strangers because I could tell who was lying, evil, not a friend, dangerous - I had all these heightened sensories that went to extremes. And they made me act crazy.
Maybe that’s from being abused as a child - that my intuition is to find harm before good. Maybe that’s why some people who do it see good and have fun and all I see is trauma and pain.
Anyway - that gift though not as intense sober developed in an underbelly of my personality. You pair that with 20-30 books on reading lies, Freud, crappy self help, dime store psycho advice from friends and relatives, enough reading of the fiction of the 20s to be dangerous and you have this ability to see not only when someone is lying to you but when they are lying to themselves.
That last one you can’t fix because they don’t even know it. That last one is up to them - but when your alarm bells and radar are just going “nope something is wrong here” that’s all I feel. And I swear this is going to sound hippie dippy but your senses have been developed over millions and billions of years for survival - you are the top of the evolutionary food chain of everything that came before you and survived and passed on their dna from the amoeba to the turtle to the human.., and the most basic instinct is survival - sensing danger, avoiding pain - I believe in that. And I’m in tune with mine. Sometimes it’s off and sometimes it’s cloudy but it’s there and it’s not black and white - it’s a wave of feeling that something isn’t right…
When I was young and would be around people on marijuana I could see their eyes and looks and words and fake laughs or maybe even see that they were really stupid or mean… and I would feel that deeply. And looking back on who I felt that about - I was 100% right about everyone I felt things about it and who they turned out to be.
Manifest over - bad writing - a bit of note taking more than anything
Saturday, February 01, 2025
2025 books update
Life sentence - mark Bowden - good story about a drug dealer in Baltimore - what made him and what drove him. Interesting dichotomy of opportunity vs reality
Monday, January 27, 2025
Movie review
Robert Redford in the 1972 weirdo epic A Jeremiah Johnson -
Redford is at the peak of his acclaim and the beginning has a 7 minute overture - someone smelled their own foul today and didn’t budge.
I go in w low expectations aside from the famous gif of:
Make that a 9 minute overture -
Music done by McIntire - who I don’t know in some sort of verde hillbilly-esque motif
And damnit there’s a narrator and I think it’s Sydney pollack - who is awesome.
Welp there’s an Indian in a saddle - so I’m already fading and he went fishing in a frozen creek with his hands before starting a fire - he may be the dumbest mountain man ever - tbc
Saturday, January 18, 2025
2025 books update
Meditations - Marcus Aurelius - pretty basic philosophies but it allows you to slow down and take in what true airstocracy looks like. Easy read - I’m sure if you studied it extensively you would draw more out.
Joan Didion - the year of magical thinking. - I liked learning about her more than her book I will admit. But she is a beautiful writer and I look forward to reading more of her.
Notes on the making of apocalypse now - Eleanor Coppola
- it was ok - makes FFC into a spoiled little fop. Good context though and some new tidbits.
Coppola’s Monster Film - Steven travers - see above - also good tidbits - Hollywood sucks - don’t read about it
Monday, January 13, 2025
2025 books
Joan Didion - the year of magical thinking. - I liked learning about her more than her book I will admit. But she is a beautiful writer and I look forward to reading more of her.
Notes on the making of apocalypse now - Eleanor Coppola
- it was ok - makes FFC into a spoiled little fop. Good context though and some new tidbits.
Coppola’s Monster Film - Steven travers - see above - also good tidbits - Hollywood sucks - don’t read about it
Sunday, January 12, 2025
Mornings
More precious than evenings
Are the mornings I get to spend
No weight
No pain
Not yet
Planning what may be.
All attentive to the day
Of possibility.
Evening and night
Now lend themselves
To intimate
Moments of capture
Wrapped with times
No longer wanting
Distraction,
I fucking see you - getting old.
