Thursday, May 22, 2025
Mom
I just had the warmest thought about my mom.
She always tried to make everything beautiful. She still does.
Rose bushes next to our crappy little house and hedges and a fence - she kept the house as clean as could be working tirelessly Friday night after a full day of work. Finding joy in it - resentful hard work sometimes… but joy in trying to provide something beautiful. It’s what kept her going her whole life and it’s something I love about her.
My mother is a sturdy caring person to me. I think the best parts of me - are from her.
Saturday, May 17, 2025
Conclusion
I’ve spent countless
Shadow casted
Up from the floor
Into the skin
Right with a halo
Form with tiger aggression
Moments -
Contemplating
Where I lost or gained
The capacity to
Have one
Wednesday, April 02, 2025
Personality
I think I need to understand that I’m a bit stupid. I’m not stupid mentally - I’m stupid socially. I’m a walking klutz. I offend people. I’m incapable of being gracious or excited without being either crude or arrogant.
I hope I can remember that / professionally this almost works. I have some talent or experience. I know how to survive. In social places I need to remember to be quiet. Just shut up. Learn to be pleasant and complimentary instead of an attention whore who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else and also annoyingly insecure about not being liked.
Be a man. Grow the fuck up.
I also never own up to anything. I’m always making excuses and lying about things that I don’t need to lie about - I’m also lying to myself all the time.
I have a lot of work to do.
Lying eyes
… by the eagles must be the worst song ever when you actually live the lyrics.
Sunday, March 02, 2025
Good man
Even with this
… not good.
Not worthy.
Your intentions
Quiet
Your actions
Consistent
Your life
Small and big at the same time
You’re not this
It’s not too late
Shrink
Humble
Even in this
Humble
Even in this
More quiet
Simpler
Humble
Sunday, February 23, 2025
Davos
Rich people who do horrible things can never really be in love that’s why they need paid and enslaved sex systems
Friday, February 21, 2025
Beautiful
In the flickering
Dusk or dawn
The dim lit
The time spent
Moment of youth
The moon and sun
The earth
Gives this gift
Of evolution of
The most beautiful
You’ve ever been
And find the
One person that sees
It every new day
Sunday, February 02, 2025
Marijuana
When I was a kid - like all teenage and college kids - I smoked marijuana.
I liked it because I thought different - I liked it alone more than with people. Maybe certain people like 1 or 2 was ok.
I didn’t like it around groups of people or strangers because I could tell who was lying, evil, not a friend, dangerous - I had all these heightened sensories that went to extremes. And they made me act crazy.
Maybe that’s from being abused as a child - that my intuition is to find harm before good. Maybe that’s why some people who do it see good and have fun and all I see is trauma and pain.
Anyway - that gift though not as intense sober developed in an underbelly of my personality. You pair that with 20-30 books on reading lies, Freud, crappy self help, dime store psycho advice from friends and relatives, enough reading of the fiction of the 20s to be dangerous and you have this ability to see not only when someone is lying to you but when they are lying to themselves.
That last one you can’t fix because they don’t even know it. That last one is up to them - but when your alarm bells and radar are just going “nope something is wrong here” that’s all I feel. And I swear this is going to sound hippie dippy but your senses have been developed over millions and billions of years for survival - you are the top of the evolutionary food chain of everything that came before you and survived and passed on their dna from the amoeba to the turtle to the human.., and the most basic instinct is survival - sensing danger, avoiding pain - I believe in that. And I’m in tune with mine. Sometimes it’s off and sometimes it’s cloudy but it’s there and it’s not black and white - it’s a wave of feeling that something isn’t right…
When I was young and would be around people on marijuana I could see their eyes and looks and words and fake laughs or maybe even see that they were really stupid or mean… and I would feel that deeply. And looking back on who I felt that about - I was 100% right about everyone I felt things about it and who they turned out to be.
Manifest over - bad writing - a bit of note taking more than anything
