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I Kan't Spell



Thursday, September 11, 2003

 
Randoms

I decided to call this "randoms" because well, that's sort of what they are. I haven’t' been able to put together much in my return accept emotion, reaction, and now, hesitant yet oddly hurried contemplation. In light of my lack of wholeness or closure with any one continuing theory that I thought would resonate by this time I decided to just blurt out what's on my mind, and consequently the things that have been most important have been on my mind and they now thrust themselves into the wonderful arena of being written about. Here we go -


  • Things are more alive here. We have trees and grass and smells that other counties would pay billions of dollars to inherit. The suburbs are a breeding ground for the world's best smells. Such wonderments like mown grass, cheesesteaks, a gas station next to a pizza hut, black top after the rain, moldy woods where your foot gets stuck in the mud and you have to drag your heel all the way home. These all have smells and they are wonderful.
  • I feel afraid talking to people. I feel like I am not myself. I am absolutely terrified to make that initial eye contact with people. I think they are afraid of me as well. I realize that I now shake when I hold a fork, and I find myself insecurely constantly looking into mirrors and car windows to see if my hair line has receded more in the last 20 minutes. I am having serious issues dealing with people. I turned down two interviews with companies because I don't think I'm really ready to talk to anybody about something serious. Or even worse try to convince that I myself am someone to be taken seriously. I'm sure this fear will subside but thus far it has taken many libations and my wildest stories to put people at ease.
  • I miss Korea. I miss it more everyday. Not an hour goes by where I don't miss the life that I just left. Shitty enough is that not an hour went by there where I didn't miss here. Given my druthers I choose here, given my absolute druthers I choose to move on again, maybe soon.
  • My mother and I aren't getting along due to all the stress hanging around. I want everything to be nice and tidy so I don't have to deal with anything. She is waiting for us to leave so she can start a new nice and tidy life. Things here are going to be very messy for me. I may just chicken out and split. I will look for something inspiring though.
  • Most of my friends are making me sad. I don't envy anything anymore. There is no more want other than my own ease, and my own ease will come at the hand of my freedom. That tide comes close and closer to the beams holding up my house everyday. My oldest friend in the world didn't even have the time to sit down and have a real conversation with me, and on top of that he treated me with indifference and spoke in a slightly condescending tone. It seems as though everyone is slowly waiting to die and could care less if that action resounds a mute kick of a pillow by which their legacy will be captured.
  • I'm still pretty damn good at Golden Tee.
  • All I heard about for 2 days, at my grandfather's house was death, hospitals, money, injuries, and sadness. It might have been the saddest two days of my life. I love my grandfather and grandmother very much but found it very difficult to hold it together. My GF and I did have a solid talk about saving money and my father. That was the highlight of my weekend. My cousins are cooler now that they are more grown up. They didn't seem too impressed by my presents.
  • My father being in a mental ward may be the single most worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. The repercussions of his actions may result severe destitution for not only himself but others as well. I can never forgive but it is impossible to hate or shun.
  • I am now much better with women and flirting. I feel grown up. I feel matured but at what cost. My energy level and my wild unbridled self seems to have disappeared. Some weak little humble man has replaced them. Was I wrong to try and change the only part of myself that brought me any sort of notoriety.
  • I love my friends. I love them more and more everyday. I want them to want the way I want. I want them to see and grow with me. I want our paths to intertwine into something great. The more I see, read, or talk to my friend the more I am filled with hope about the future. Something great will come out of us. Someone great must first tame the power that exists.
  • I have put on 5 pounds of pure mush and all the working out and health pursuits of the last year have been shot by 1 week of intense cheese and meat. It was worth it.
  • America is beautiful. It has drawn awe out of me in the past few days. If I could write a symphony about it or a book in the vain of Thomas Wolfe I would. The rolling mountains of Pennsylvania stream themselves out like arms holding something dear. They appear to be these beating mounds of earth that give life to us. The cornfields, strolling cattle that flank barns, slowly grazing, while the farmers meddle with a tractor or an old Chevy engine in a carefree manner brings about a weight to my soul that I have never felt. It's a pool of water after a 4 day journey through the deserts of Africa. It has changed me somewhere.
  • The city seems to be open and easy now. It appears like a child wanting to play a simple game of gin or cribbage. It waits for me to pounce on it and join in the festivities. It lay dormant for those who can't hold it's true heart beat. There are things that now pop around me in a new way.
  • American's are more friendly than I remember. I have no problem with saying "thank you", "hello", or "How are you?". My ability to interact has put a new color on the place that was once painted with a large stroke of gray.
  • While our culture lacks so much of what Korea has it has the one thing that no other culture has. It has the ability to be reborn everyday into something new. It wants to breathe again everyday. There is change here. There is rebirth and stability. There is genius and prosperity to be had amongst those who are willing to band together. This could be a wonderful land if we could only recognize that our strength lay in the fabric we could make and not in the strings of yarn that we are.
  • Every hour goes by and I try to find another way out. Unfortunately, I know that this is not currently an option. This chain pulls at the back of my scalp as though I had an unwanted child or a prison sentence to serve.



I'll have more for you later....

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