I Kan't Spell

 
New Years and Stuff
You see, every New Years I kind of disappear to be by myself. This year seems to luckily be following pattern. Most of my friends are going to go to a local bar to celebrate the Old to the New. I have tickets to a show in NYC but have no one to go with and hence am not going. Actually I like the idea of not going anywhere for New Years. I like the idea that I'll be alone on this pointless day. I mean, it's not ideal, but it's refreshing. It's refreshing like being outside in the cold naked. It let's you feel really alive as opposed to a blurred reality at some local bar, or taking in a music concert with someone you don't really want to be with.

Spending an exclamation day alone is much like being martyred. Everyone will say, "Oh come to the bar." or "Oh go to New York." What the fuck do they know? I mean what the fuck are they gonna do that we don't already do during the week or on any given weekend? I go to conerts all the time. We get rip roaring drunk and laugh our balls off every weekend. What's the difference?

I haven't had a good time hanging out with people at official get togethers in years. I don't think I was ever good at being around people on Birthday's, or Holidays, or July 4th days. All that shit just seems too pronounced to me. Fucking stale people sitting around having forced conversation about bullsiht only to further their own lives via networking and "keeping in touch" in some marginal crappy way. I mean I want friends. I don't need to be asked by people, "How's it going?" or "So what's new?" I mean I know their heart is in the right place and that we don't see each other enough. But, I'm not going to trick myself into believing that we should be spending holiday's together. I want friends, not baseball cards of friends that I collect and then take out of the box twice a year to see what they are worth.

The New Years holiday seems forced and fake and I look around and I don't feel apart of anything, I feel alone. I feel like an outsider that was either begged or came begging to be engaged in something that I feel uncomfortable with. This all seems like a rationalization but it really isn't.

If I wanted to go to the bar I would. If I wanted to go to NYC I would. If I wanted to call other people to see what they were doing I would. But I have no interest. I have no interest in anything during this time of the year. This is not melancholy and this is not depressing, this is pure freedom. This, to me, is what makes me happiest. Being alone, and being martyred, or being thought about by others is what makes me happy. Actually being somewhere in person, doesn't make me happy.

I'll tell you exactly right now what I would do if I attended both of these activities (NYC, Bar).

Bar - I would go to the bar at around 10 o'clock. My friends and I would all stand in a huddled ball for about an hour. We would tell stories. And then one-by-one we would all ship off into our own little worlds. We would all create friend within friend clicks and then I would find myself at a Poker table somewhere and sit for hours. I would then get up from the Poker table a little before midnight to find that I was alone. I would miss Mirel. I would miss Jas. I would miss my other good friends who didn't have the inclination to call or wish me a happy New Year. I would miss my father. I would feel bad about refusing my Aunt and Uncle's invitation only to further my derelict behaviors looking at painted cards. All of this would be compounded by my excess intake of alcohol. I would then shortly leave after that only to walk home staring at my phone pondering whether or not to call people but only wishing it would ring. I would go home and cry and forget all about my year the best I could.

Does that sound like fun? - - Yeah - didn't think so.

NYC - This would be a slight improvement but I had to open my big mouth and tell Jas that there was a concert in NYC that had a band that both her and her boyfriend loved. So, what would I be doing there? Oh, I would be thinking the whole time, "Gee I wonder where she is? I think I see them over there." Plus, I don't really give a shit about Wilco and I've seen the Flaming Lips before and I mean, they're good, but I'm not losing any sleep over missing this concert. Don't get me wrong, it's a good one, but I've been more excited for other shows. So I would get real depressed at the concert thinking about Jas and her boyfriend holding each other real close in the upper deck somewhere. They would be swaying back and forth, kissing during appropriate crescendo changes. I would be standing in the front row with a plastic cup of flat beer, looking at my phone, wishing I could call someone who would care enough to want to hear a concert through a phone. After the show I would go to the Irish Pub and get fall down fuckin drunk while I sang sad Oasis tunes and relived moments of days passed.

So those are my options. That's pretty enticing right? Yeah - thought so. So what do I choose? I choose nothing. I choose a big fat emphatic nothing. I don't just mean for New Years either. I mean for the whole shebang. This isn't a once a week feeling. This has been coming down the pike for quite some time. I don't want to be around anyone for a while. Maybe, I'll hop online from time to time to chat. Maybe, you can keep up with me and my fucked up emotions and life on here from time to time. Your choice. But, for the most part, I have been waiting for quite a long time to be alone and not be bothered and maybe possibly sprout something of fruition and purpose out of my life. Because, this life sure isn't it. My life as it is now isn't growing a fucking thing. I'm still going to write but....I'll see you all later.

Link posted by JVMM : 10:38 AM